THE EARMARK

And before the Latina-loving governor gets his hopes up, may we remind him that headline does not say Colombia.

No, we’re talking Columbia, South Carolina where the hubristic conservative remains governor, despite a multi-week ordeal wherein he lied to his staff about an Appalachian Trail trek, hightailed it to Argentina to boink a TV reporter, and then came back to South Carolina to cry, suggest he could have been King of the Jews, and work on his Bill Clinton impersonation.

But now he’s going to have to do it without his wife and children.  Because they’re abandoning Sanford in his governor’s mansion…

Jenny Sanford, the wife of Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, will move from the governor’s mansion in Columbia to Charleston with the couple’s four sons, she announced on Friday, signaling that she intends to keep her distance from her husband.

While the news is obviously a setback for the governor, we’re confident that he could fill the vacancies in his mansion without too much trouble.  Topping the list of likely guests…

Maria Belén Chapur- This would be the aforementioned reporter at the heart of the Sanford affair.  Helping her cause for admittance is that she’s Sanford’s proclaimed soul mate.  (Sorry, Bill Maher.)

His Old Roomies From the Capitol Hill Christian Group House- Nothing could be more Christian than welcoming a stranger into your home, only in the case of Sanford’s old roommates John Ensign (R-NV) and Chip Pickering (R-MS), you’ll have to replace the word “stranger” with “fellow self-righteous blowhard who also cheated on his wife.”  Oh, and Rep. Zach Wamp (R-TN) will tag along, too — although mostly just for the free cash.

700,000,000 Dollar Bills- That would be the stimulus money that Sanford refuses to spend after being knocked off his soapbox and being forced to accept money for roads, schools and hospitals.  The governor could use a cuddling partner right about now, and George Washington seems as worthy as anyone.

Fellow Philandering Governor Jim Gibbons (R-NV)- Gibbons is the Ying to Sanford’s Yang, as evidenced by the two men’s post-affair trajectories.  While Sanford was abandoned in his mansion as his wife headed home, out in Nevada, it was Gibbons who got kicked out of the mansion while his wife stayed!  Now Gibbons would have probably prefered some classier accomodations than downtown Columbia.  For instance, crashing with some fashionable gay friends in midtown Manhattan would be much more appealing — but hey, we can’t all be Rudy Giuliani.

Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) has had a busy first month on the job, what with service dogs and special committees on aging and babies that take after Marv Albert.

Consequently, we don’t blame him for taking so long to move out of that prominent Republican’s house.

And by “that prominent Republican,” we don’t mean Franken’s close buddy G. Gordon Liddy.  We’re talking about Norman Ornstein, a bigwig at the American Enterprise Institute.

The point is, Franken finally got up off that guy’s couch (or guest bedroom as it were) and found a place of his own…

Franken moved into new digs of his very own on Capitol Hill over the weekend, according to an HOH source…

When Franken made trips to D.C. during the seven months that the final results of the Minnesota Senate race were unresolved, he stayed in a guest room at the home of American Enterprise Institute resident scholar (and Roll Call contributing writer) Norman Ornstein. The two are longtime friends, having met at the 1988 Democratic National Convention.

The Frankens shacked up with Ornstein while looking for a new place after the Senator was officially sworn in earlier this month.

While we’re happy that Franken finally has a space large enough to house both his collection of Perry Mason tapes and his ego, we wonder if he wouldn’t be better served by continuing to live with Republicans.

For instance, Rep. Zach Wamp (R-TN) got $5000 from fellow Republican John Ensign simply because the two lived together. (Or, one source alleges, were having an affair.)  All we’re saying is that a stray five grand here and there could only help Franken, especially if Norman Hsu isn’t available to donate the next time around.

We’d like to credit Roll Call, the newspaper of Capitol Hill, for breaking this important story.  That said, we should note that while their reporters confirmed Franken no longer lived with Ornstein, they could only refer to his new home as an “undisclosed” location.

Which means on second thought, maybe Franken is living with a prominent Republican!

It’s a ridiculous allegation, right? But throw in a little bit of transitive logic and it makes perfect sense.  First consider the news story…

Eight days after admitting to an extramarital affair, Sen. John Ensign gave $5,000 to the Tennessee gubernatorial campaign of Rep. Zach Wamp – a fellow Republican who lives with Ensign in a Christian group house on Capitol Hill’s C Street.

Now for those unfamiliar with Christian group house etiquette, understand that the last time Ensign doled out multi-thousand dollar payments, it was to a lady he had illicitly balled during a long-term affair.  (Okay technically his parents doled out the cash, but the senator is embarrassed enough as it is, okay?)

Now consider our logic…

Ensign cuts multi-thousand dollar checks to those he porks during affairs  +  He just gave Rep. Wamp 5000 big ones  –>  Ensign was having an affair with Wamp.

If you’re still skeptical, consider the behavior of two previous tenants of the home…

Two other former housemates, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford (R) and former Rep. Chip Pickering (R-Miss.), both have also been implicated in extramarital affairs since the Ensign scandal broke last month.

In other words, if everyone in the house is having affairs and making cash payments and whatnot, why not just simplify things and start making those transactions among one another?

In conclusion, we fear that Christian group houses on Capitol Hill might not be achieving their intended effect.  Perhaps the congressmen should adjust their standards to those of a rival group house inhabited by Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Dick Durbin (D-IL), George Miller (D-CA) and Bill Delahunt (D-MA).  Their rules are simple: Restock the cereal, kill any stray rodents, and pile on Schumer until he makes his bed.

Oh, and if you feel the sudden urge to parcel out cash payments or conduct affairs, definitely wait until the New York Times reporter leaves the house.