THE EARMARK

The first amendment to the U.S. Constitution says that government has no power to restrict freedom of speech, religion or the press.  The second amendment says that if a desperate raccoon chews its way into your house during a blizzard, you’re allowed to blow it to pieces with a $2000 gas-powered Desert Eagle handgun.

Representative Steve King  (R-IA) cashed in on that second freedom last week, as evidenced by this incredibly manly Twitter boast…

Mid day, mid blizzard, 15 degrees, Crazy Raccoon chewing and clawing his way into my house. Desert Eagle 1, Crazy Raccoon zero.

So to all of you complaining that our congressmen never get anything done, now you know how they’re otherwise occupied: Staying indoors and firing pistols at panicked wildlife.

Congressman King defended his raccoon annihilation to Capitol Hill newspaper Roll Call, explaining that while he respects most animals, “I can’t have a crazy ’coon.”  Interesting language coming from the only U.S. representative to vote against acknowledging slaves’ role in the Capitol building’s construction.

As for the Desert Eagle handgun, you might be interested to know that it:

- is manufactured by Magnum Research, which declares itself “maker of the world’s most powerful handguns.”

- is sold under the slogan “the science of kaboom.”

- enjoyed great fame as the gun that got Gilbert Arenas kicked out of the NBA.

And to think: If only Arenas had used his gun to blow up raccoons instead of to “prank” a teammate, he could’ve ditched basketball altogether, kept working in Washington, and represented Council Bluffs, Iowa in Congress.

Or he could have used it to shoot an elderly man in the face and become Vice President.

Health care reform is splitting Congress down the middle and America is paying the price.

On the left, you have Hollywood liberals like Blanche Lincoln and Jon Tester, who want to force hardworking Americans into Soviet communal hospitals where all diagnoses call for prescription marijuana and tofu breast implants.

On the right, you have family-first conservatives like David Vitter and John Ensign, who believe poor Americans’ only exposure to medication should be in rural meth labs.

But what about the so-called moderate Republicans (read: Republicans who do not take the Book of Revelations literally)?  Well by today’s standards, Chuck Grassley (R-IA) is one of these Republicans, having gotten an 11% rating from the NAACP and a 20% from the ACLU. (Jim DeMint, just for comparison, got a 7% from both.)

So maybe Grassley would be sympathetic to the health care plan being pushed by President Obama and Congressional Democrats?  Maybe?

Well the senator has weighed in with a response via his favorite medium — Twitter — and the answer is a resounding “no.”  At least we think so.  Which is to say, if you can make sense of this post, please let us know…

Misinformatio accuses me of supportin ObamaCare NOT TRUE I M at table making sure Govt takeovr doesn’t happen,protect patience,and taxpayers

Although nearly 50% of the words in Grassley’s “tweet” were technically English, it’s still hard to make sense of it all.  Fortunately we have this related “tweet” to clarify…

PTL BluDogs Keep barkin Pelosie bill is Govt takeovr of healthCare Breaks Obama promise”keep what u hv” Puts Wash Burocrats in chrg MUSTSTOP

Well, that certainly clears things up.  Not in the sense of Grassley’s health care stance, his openness to compromise, or even his ability to control spastic finger motions.  But it does confirm a theory that we’ve been harboring since a previous Grassley “tweet” on July 18…

He definitively cannot spell “Pelosi.”