THE EARMARK

Bad news for those of you hoping to trade in a gas-guzzling Bentley and get $4500 toward a spiffy new Chevy Aveo.  The government’s much-hyped “cash for clunkers” program is about to crumble like a Ford Festiva in an elevator door.

The program’s principal sin?  Being way too successful…

The government plans to suspend its popular “cash for clunkers” program amid concerns it could quickly use up the $1 billion in rebates for new car purchases, congressional officials said Thursday…

Through late Wednesday, 22,782 vehicles had been purchased through the program and nearly $96 million had been spent. But dealers raised concerns about large backlogs in the processing of the deals in the government system, prompting the suspension.

So barring further notice, this program is finished.  And while some will lament its demise, others will applaud it.  Let’s examine who wins and loses based on this news…

WINNERS

• Personal friends of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and his predecessor, Hank Paulson.  If “cash for clunkers” had survived, these folks would have received a mere $32 billion for bonuses.
• Personal friends of the House Ethics Committee, who will now get to keep their ethical earmark money doled out by ethics-minded congressmen.
• Personal friends and relatives of Rep. Jack Murtha (D-PA), whom the aforementioned Ethics Committee is investigating, only not really.  More cash for this crowd, too.
• Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC) who opposes all forms of federal stimulus, opting to save the money for a time portal to 19th century Belgium.

LOSERS

• Ford Motor Company, who passed on federal stimulus money with the idea that they’d gain sales from this particular program.  For the eponymous family running the show, this is even worse than owning the Lions.
• The majority of President Obama’s cabinet, who all need to ditch that fleet of foreign cars they collectively drive.
• Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT), who thought this would be his big chance to unload an armada of hideously-painted PT Cruisers.

Stop what you’re doing, call your broker, and put in a “buy” order on Honda, Hyundai, Toyota, Mercedes… any car company as long as it’s not American!

Allow us to explain: President Obama has named Ron Bloom as his new chief advisor on the automobile industry, and if past appointments are any indication, Bloom is going to be a walking, talking advertisement for a foreign-made car.  Just check the published stats and you’ll see that the road to Obama’s cabinet is full of speed-traps for anyone caught driving domestic.

Consider the cars of current administration members…

- Timothy Geithner: Acura TSX

- Larry Summers: Mazda Protégé

- Peter Orszag: Honda Odyssey and Volvo S60

- Austin Goolsbee: Toyota Highlander

- New auto task force leader Brian Deese: Honda Civic

- Steven Rattner, the financially-shady bureaucrat that Bloom is replacing: Mercedes-Benz 350

You’ll admit that although Ron Bloom’s ride of choice has yet to be publicly revealed, the odds are looking pretty good for Germany and Japan.  In fact, when all is said and done, the only two administrators still driving American might be Obama himself (Ford Escape Hybrid) and VP Joe Biden (1981 Trans Am with Night Ranger in the tape deck.)

Let the record stand that none of this would have happened under a John McCain administration.  In fact, all imports would have probably been cut off by this point due to the ongoing war with Spain.  And if party leaders had allowed McCain to pick Joe Lieberman as his VP, there would have been a whole fleet of colorfully adorned PT Cruisers in the White House parking lot as well!

[In the interest of full disclosure, none of us here at The Earmark drive American, either.  But if no one from our site is appointed to at least Secretary of Labor by the end of Obama's first term, we're just going to give up and finally indulge ourselves with one of those dreamy Pontiac Azteks we've been holding off on.]