THE EARMARK

Someone in Louisiana has it in for porn star/U.S. Senate candidate Stormy Daniels and her campaign consultant Brian Welch.  In a raunchy bit of political foreplay, an unidentified gigolo blew up Welch’s car in downtown New Orleans on Tuesday night.

Although police have yet to arrest an assailant, all eyes have turned to the Louisianan most associated with women of ill repute — and wouldn’t you know it, that guy just happens to be Daniels’ opponent!

We refer, of course, to the sex industry’s one-man stimulus package, Sen. David Vitter (R-LA).  Now we certainly wouldn’t claim Vitter is the man shown igniting the car in a surveillance video obtained by Welch.  But he has plenty of reason to want Daniels out of the race, not the least of which is that she was outpolling him 4 to 1 as recently as this spring.

But despite an obvious motive, nothing else about the crime screams “David Vitter.”  For instance, where was the temper tantrum and stampede through security doors?  Where was the $249 million for termite research?  And where was the Senator himself, fleeing the scene in sexy diapers?

Plus Vitter has an alibi.  Both before and after the car bombing, he was spotted in Washington ripping Sonia Sotomayor for not using baseball analogies like John Roberts did and fellow Republican George Voinovich for being a moderate.

So Vitter himself is eliminated as a suspect.  But what about members of his family?  It’s certainly a possibility, given that he’s been known to dispatch his daughter for campaign dirty work.  And then there’s his wife, Wendy, who has compared herself to Lorena Bobbitt — meaning that she’s capable of assaulting celebrity porn stars.

No matter who the assailant is, we advise him or her to proceed with caution.  Unless she’s being paid, Stormy Daniels will not go down easily.  And if you don’t believe us, just stop by her husband’s hospital room.

With both parties in the U.S. Senate swept up in confirmation fever, it’s time someone offered a different perspective on Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor.  Nearly every senator has praised the New York judge, from John Kerry to John Cornyn.  Isn’t anyone going to break up the love-fest and declare that Sotomayor is unqualified and unworthy of the bench?

Just in the nick of time, enter a senile, disoriented old man…

Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Ky., said Thursday he would vote against Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s nomination to the Supreme Court, becoming at least the fourth Republican to publicly declare his opposition to President Barack Obama’s first nominee to the high court.

“On viewing the record of Judge Sonia Sotomayor, I do not find her to be a suitable candidate for Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, and will vote against her whenever the Senate considers her nomination,” Bunning said on the Senate floor.

Bunning’s argument is simple: Sure, Sotomayor has sat on two federal courts, while also serving as a professor, a prosecutor and a litigator, but where’s the experience that matters?

• Has Sotomayor ever thrown a perfect game?
• Has she ever tried to sue the Republican Party?
• Has she ever accused a political opponent of looking like one of Saddam Hussein’s sons?
• Has she ever had little green doctors pounding on her back?

Well why the heck not??

But before we permanently write off a potential Sotomayor/Bunning alliance, we should consider one more contingency:  Perhaps Bunning is unwilling to vote for Sotomayor this time around but is open to her as President Obama’s next high court appointment.

See, as anyone who listens to Bunning’s periodic rantings is well aware, the senator has already proclaimed Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s imminent death, which means it’s only a matter of months before we start this nomination dance all over again.

Maybe by that time, Sotomayor will have thrown a perfect game.