THE EARMARK

America is down in the dumps. More than ever, we need a good laugh, and yet where is the comedy?  TV is showing repeats, Al Franken is trying to be serious, and Joe Biden has been put in cold storage until campaign season.

Fellow Americans, the time to act is now.  Is there anybody out there willing to lay down his dignity, his personal reputation, and his grip on reality to make us hoot like jackals until we hyperventilate?

Thankfully a martyr has stepped forward for the sake of comedy, and to him we offer our gratitude.  That said, we had no idea said martyr would be a United States Senator…

Illinois Sen. Roland Burris announced last month that he would not run to retain his Senate seat next year, but in his first television interview since making that decision, Burris told ABC News he could change his mind.

“You never say never,” Burris told ABC News… “What I’m still hearing,” Burris said, is “people from all over the country and they are saying, ‘Don’t give up that seat.’”

Now if you read our earlier report that Burris had withdrawn from the race to raise bail money for Rod Blagojevich, we stand fully prepared to issue a retraction right here.  And we’ll do so with utter glee.

See, while we hate to get a story wrong, how could we pass up a chance to cover a 2010 Senate campaign where an incumbent polling 5% among Democrats and 0.6% among independents runs because he thinks it’s the people’s mandate.  Can Burris be serious?  Even Patti Blagojevich polled higher on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!

We also can’t wait to see who Burris drags up to introduce him at rallies, given that everyone from Gov. Pat Quinn to Sen. Dick Durbin to the Daleys, has told him to resign.  Maybe the late John Wayne Gacy will do the honors, given that he’s the only remaining Illinois Democrat that hasn’t issued a statement condemning Burris.

Now Burris could try to bring in a heavy hitter from the national party to drum up excitement.  We understand that John Edwards has an open schedule.  So does Mike Gravel. But even those guys are going to be pretty tough to rope in when your entire campaign budget is $845.

Ah, comedy.

Don’t tell former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich that he’s hit rock bottom.  Not while he’s starring in an Andrew Lloyd Weber-themed parody.  Not while his wife Patti wins America’s hearts on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! Not when he’s about to release the most anticipated political book since Sen. Jim Webb’s last bodice-ripper.

And certainly not while the man remains Governor of Illinois!  Well… to be more accurate, you’d have to substitute “Illinois” with “a grain elevator on the South Side of Chicago.”  And “governor” should be replaced with “a painted name peeling off the facade“…

At least one sign in Illinois — welcoming drivers to the state’s International Port District — still proclaims Rod R. Blagojevich to be governor…

The painted sign near the top of a 41-story grain elevator near Lake Calumet still bears the disgraced former governor’s name.

“The good news is it’s flaking off,” said Tony Ianello, executive director of the port, which moves about 35 million tons of cargo a year, mostly steel. “The bad news is it’s still up there.”

Why so?

Because it’s too expensive to remove, Ianello said.

We applaud Blagojevich’s foresight in leaving his state so bankrupt that it couldn’t shell out the cash to scrub his corrupt name off of every public edifice.  But his glory isn’t going to last much longer; the state has announced plans to repaint the grain elevator following the 2010 election.

Unfortunately for Blago, this directly coincides with the demise of his other remaining public legacy… Roland Burris.

So, this past weekend was the big annual National Governors Association conference.  The good people of Biloxi, Mississippi, went all out to put on a great time for the governors, because they deserve it, and to be honest there’s not a whole lot else going on in Biloxi these days.  But attendance was kind of sparse.

Turns out a lot of the governors had a … thing.  That couldn’t be avoided.  Sorry, Biloxi.

Fewer than half of the nation’s 50 governors attended the gathering this year, including the group’s chairman, Gov. Ed Rendell, D-Penn.

Before introducing a videotaped message from Rendell, the incoming NGA chairman, Gov. Jim Douglas, R-Vt., opened the first session on Saturday by stating Rendell needed to stay put in Harrisburg to deal with his state’s “economic and fiscal crisis.”

Now it’s understandable that some governors couldn’t make it because they had incredibly important tasks to do, like checking their email or squabbling with local teenagers.  Some may have had urgent business to take care of with waitresses in parking garages.  And others may have tried to come, but forgot their IDs.

Still, they missed out.  Sure turnout was low, but the governors who did show up had a blast.  John Baldacci of Maine brought some great onion dip and Brad Henry of Oklahoma told his famous off-color joke about “flied lice.”

Oh, and nobody made fools of themselves by exchanging Senate seats for rough sex like two bad apples did last year.

Here’s a shocker for you!  Sen. Roland Burris (D-IL) is exiting the 2010 race for his Senate seat.  This is truly an earth-shattering decision, as Burris was certain to win the election based on the factors overwhelmingly in his favor:

1. A possibly illegal appointment by an incredibly corrupt governor who appeared to be wearing a wet cat on his head.
2. A formidable campaign war chest of $845.
3. An impressive 5% standing in the polls.
4. An unbelievably pathetic campaign website.

And yet, he is stepping aside to allow a new man or woman to continue his important work of avoiding constituents and eating lunch.

Burris’ selflessness brings to mind the ancient Roman emperor Cincinnatus, who was called upon to serve his nation in a time of crisis, which he did nobly, and then humbly stepped down after his duty was completed.

The only difference is that Cincinnatus returned to his family farm when his work was done, whereas Burris will undoubtably be headed to Costa Rica to join Patti Blagojevich on the set of I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!