THE EARMARK

For those of you looking for a heartwarming story from the dreary, rainy Vancouver Olympics, here’s a pretty good one: An irate airline passenger nearly landed a punch on Mitt Romney, just below the venture capitalist’s stylishly gray temples…

An airline passenger “took a swing” at former Republican presidential candidate and Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney aboard an AirCanada flight from Vancouver to Los Angeles on Monday, after Romney asked the passenger to return his seat back to the upright position while awaiting take off.

Now before you rush to sell off your shares in Bain Capital, keep in mind that Romney and his billion dollar mane eluded the passenger’s fists.  Although there are probably a lot of people that wish they hadn’t.  Among them…

A new Gallup poll released last week offers both good news and bad news for President Obama.

The bad news?  Obama is statistically tied with a generic Republican in the 2012 presidential election.

The good news?  Many Republicans surveyed believe that “generic” candidate should be either John McCain or Scott Brown.

To rephase: That’s one candidate who’s fresh off a 2008 loss, would be 85 by the end of his second term, and might lose his Senate primary to Atilla the Hun.  And a second candidate who has spent more time buck naked in the pages of Cosmo than he’s spent on Capitol Hill.

Among GOP frontrunners, McCain and Brown trail only Mitt Romney, whose entire governing experience consists of a single term as governor, and Sarah Palin, who didn’t even make it that far.

And that’s your top four: Romney, Palin, McCain, Brown.  This leaves us with just one question:

WHAT, no Ronald Reagan?  Or at least Curt Schilling, Barry Goldwater or Joe the Plumber– all right-wing heroes.  And what about Rudy?  It’s only been nine years since 9/11.  Hell, even Joe Lieberman should be on this list.

As for professional GOP campaigners like Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and Louisiana Robot-in-Chief Bobby Jindal, the message is clear: They’d best either lose an election or irrationally quit their jobs pronto if they plan to be flipping pancakes in New Hampshire come January 2012.

For those of you out there who are not glued to Sarah Palin’s Facebook page (and we can’t imagine what else you’re doing with your time), you may have missed her discovery that Barack Obama intends to kill her infant child via the “Death Panel” established by his health care legislation.

Here at The Earmark, we oppose the establishment of an all-powerful federal cabal that has complete authority to vote on life or death decisions for ordinary Americans.  We prefer that the free market have that role.

But considering that we hear the Death Panel’s members are already assembling (Paula Abdul has already cleared her schedule), we’d like to forewarn you about its soon-to-be victims.

Death Panel Victim	Why The Panel Will Vote for Death	Why The Panel Will Vote for Life
Trig Palin	US Weekly has already offered his mother $300,000 for the first photos of his euthanized corpse.	John McCain’s advisers are privately pushing him as an Attorney General candidate.
Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY)	Severe dementia, Alzheimer’s, and Tourette’s Syndrome have destroyed Bunning’s quality of life and contributions to society.	You never know, the man may have one more perfect game left in him.
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney	Romney is Obama’s most formidable GOP rival for 2012. If the Death Panel knocks him off, that title will fall to the nation’s second-most viable Republican: Tom Tancredo.	Since Romney is a synthetic non-human super-predator, any attempts to kill him will hopelessly backfire.
Plumbers making over $250,000 a year	Under Obama’s socialist wealth-redistribution plan, these plumbers must be taxed at the levels they were under Reagan until they perish.	Many of them are needed for their cutting-edge journalism and authorship of bestselling books.

Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin… you’ve been put on notice.  If any of you have designs on derailing Sarah Palin’s march from Matanuska-Susitna College to world domination, think again.  You certainly wouldn’t want Sarah Barracuda to eviscerate you to the level she has a certain inarticulate high school dropout teenager from rural Alaska, now would you?

Just when you thought the plot couldn’t possibly thicken more in the Days of Our Lives in Alaska, it has. Outgoing Gov. Sarah Palin is now fighting back against claims made by her daughter’s ex-boyfriend that she bailed out on Alaska in order to cash in on her fame.

Asked if Levi Johnston’s accusation bore any truth, Palin spokeswoman Meghan Stapleton said in an e-mail to The Sleuth, “Absolutely not. She is taking a leap of faith that all will be well personally. This is about what is best for Alaska and not what is best for her personally…

“It is interesting to learn Levi is working on a piece of fiction while honing his acting skills,” Stapleton added in her e-mail.

The crippling assault by Palin’s goon squad proves how intent the governor is on dismantling anyone who threatens her designs on the White House in 2012.

If a GOP foe like Romney accuses her of cashing in on her fame, she’ll get her dad to tell him off.

If President Obama insinuates that she knowingly permitted Bristol to have premarital sex in her own home, she’ll launch a Scientology-inspired PR campaign to discredit him.

And if Vladimir Putin goes on the Tyra Banks Show to say Palin’s fame “definitely got to her head” and that she “quit on Alaska,” she’ll just have to… well… quit her job three-quarters of the way into her term and devote her life to a full-time assault on her critics.  Boo-ya!

So whether you’re a presidential candidate, the leader of the free world, or a neo-Soviet autocrat, get out of Sarah Palin’s way.  Because while she might not have national experience, party respect, or even a job, she sure has taken apart that barely-literate teenage dropout.  Barracuda!

Item! The word in Washington is that Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is about to announce his pick for his vice-presidential running mate! This will be McCain’s most important decision of the campaign. Whoever serves as his #2 will have the responsibilities of:

* Serving as President of the U.S. Senate.

*Being dispatched to dinner functions in countries whose cuisine gives McCain gas.

* Running the country each night from 7 to 8 pm while McCain is watching Matlock.

Washington Insiders have narrowed down McCain’s choices to five front-runners and the Pages are pleased to give you our Official Vegas Betting Odds on each of them:

Name	Why He’ll Get It	Why He Won’t	Page’s Betting Odds
Tim Pawlenty Governor of Minnesota	Evangelical Christian from a potential swing-state.	Who wants a vice-president who can’t even score with his own wife?	2 : 1
Mitt Romney Former Governor of Massachusetts	Only candidate who can carry the hedge fund and polygamy votes simultaneously.	Americans might be intimidated by such a brilliant, accomplished, righteous, wealthy, handsome family man. (Source: Mitt Romney)	Six : Half-Dozen
Charlie Crist Governor of Florida	Having an obviously gay man on the ticket could help McCain cut into a traditionally Democratic voting bloc.	His dark orange tan clashes badly with the McCain campaign’s blue-and-white theme colors.	69 : 1
Joe Lieberman Senator from Connecticut	Brings valuable experience in the field of losing vice-presidential campaigns. Comes with his own theme song.	Dogged by insidious Washington whisper campaign that he is a Jew.	666 : 1
Bobby Jindal Governor of Louisiana	Introduced an Amber Alert for senior citizens in his home state, so he’ll be ready to respond when McCain wanders off during a G-8 Summit.	America may not be ready for a Catholic vice-president.	1.132 billion : 1