THE EARMARK

The problem with traditional awards like the Pulitzer and the Nobel is that they’re all but off limits to the likes of Ann Coulter, active Klansmen, and Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK).

That’s why we’d like to thank the good people at the Southern Poverty Law Center for coming up with an award that even that crowd can win…

To the Oscars, the Grammys and the Emmys, you can now add a wonderful new distinction: the Dobbies.

Awarded by the Southern Poverty Law Center, the Dobbies, named after CNN commentator Lou Dobbs, honor the year’s greatest declaration of bigotry, chauvinism and plain stupidity.

Although it would be hard for a Dobbie winner to “out-bigot” the award’s namesake, we think that there are several prime candidates for this year’s honor…

- Rep. Bill Posey (R-FL) Posey gets a nod for introducing the infamous “birther bill” that seems to be getting more attention in the House than healthcare reform.  Dobbs himself would sign on as a co-sponsor, but he can’t bring himself to run for Congress because of all the Mexicans working there.

- Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) In terms of sheer volume (both definitions), Bachmann’s contributions to the field of stupidity have been unrivaled in 2009.  Whether calling for a violent revolution, warning of “flying imams,” predicting White House-sponsored “re-education camps,” Bachmann has proved that there is truly nothing she won’t say… unless, of course, it is true.

- Rep. Spencer Bauchus (R-AL) You can’t truly understand bluster, paranoia or stupidity until you read Bauchus’s list of 17 confirmed socialists in the United States Congress.  Rep. McCarthy’s Bauchus’ quest for a Dobbie might be derailed, however, by the fact that he basically stole his whole act from the aforementioned Bachmann.

- President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) Obama is the clear-cut winner of this award, given that he brazenly ran for president and won despite being a Kenyan spy that was planted into the United States sometime in the early ’80s to savagely attend college and then become leader of the free world, all in the name of Islamo-Fascism and rampant Mexican infestation as they come over here like savages, STEAL our jobs, rape our women, and pray to their heathen leader, Señor Allah!!

Sorry to eliminate that last entry, folks.  But using our powers as editors, we decided that Lou Dobbs wasn’t allowed to submit a nominee in his own contest.

It’s like telling Jerry Seinfeld he can’t start a joke with “what’s the deal…”  It’s like telling Woody Allen he can’t set a film in New York.  It’s like telling Dane Cook he can’t do any more arm farts.

That’s right, folks.  In the worst piece of news for Washington comedy writers since that day Michele Bachmann had laryngitis, Sen. Jim Bunning (R-Dementia Ward) announced he is retiring.  Behold the statement posted on his personal website…

The simple fact is that I have not raised the funds necessary to run an effective campaign for the U.S. Senate. For this reason, I will not be a candidate for re-election in 2010.

Now we can’t imagine why the Kentucky conservative would want find himself so impecunious at this point in his life.  We all know he made a pretty penny during his baseball career, and what about his freelance work as an ad hoc doctor, lawyer, and fairgrounds clown? Surely there’s enough money left in the tank for a hilarious rematch with Daniel Mongiardo!

Thankfully, as if to acknowledge that his retirement is going to contribute to a deficit of comedy in our capital city, Bunning peppered his retirement statements with a couple of meatballs, including:

- This is all the fault of his fellow Senate Republicans, who “have done everything in their power to dry up my fundraising.”

- No one invites him to cocktail parties.

- Blah blah blah socialism.

You know, the more that we at The Earmark think about the prospect of a Bunning-free 2010 election, the harder it is to stomach.  Could this mean there will be no accusations of “limp wrists“?  No cue-card laden satellite debate appearances? No harrowing references to the events of November 11th?

Friends, we cannot let this stand!  That’s why as of today, July 27th, 2009, we at The Earmark are launching a campaign to get Jim Bunning back into the 2010 race.  If real donations couldn’t sustain his campaign, then ironic ones will have to do instead!

So the next time you think about renting a comedy DVD… or paying to hear a stand-up act… or giving a quarter to a babbling guy on the street… save that money and donate it to Bunning’s campaign instead!  Why keep the comedy to yourself?  All of America (or at the very least, Kentucky) needs to laugh in 2010!