THE EARMARK

From its 1787 inception up through last month, the United States Congress served admirably as the world’s most powerful legislative body.  It drafted laws, levied taxes, declared wars, and upheld American democracy.

But if the past few weeks are any indication, it’s time for Congress to move on to a new calling. One that — at the current rate — figures to occupy the next 200 year block of its existence.

Yes, we are talking about Michael Jackson…

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) shut the door Thursday to a resolution honoring Michael Jackson because debate on the symbolic measure could raise “contrary views” about the pop star’s life.

Lawmakers are free to use House speeches “to express their sympathy or their praise any time that they wish,” said Pelosi.  “I don’t think it’s necessary for us to have a resolution.”

Pelosi is referring to a resolution sponsored by Reps. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX)  and Diane Watson (D-CA) that would have declared that Jackson was the King of Pop, donated generously to charity, once bid on the remains of the “Elephant Man,” and did for surgical masks what Jackie Kennedy did for pillbox hats.

But before Jackson Lee and Watson could enjoy their Pepsi toast to victory, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) interjected via the only medium anyone discusses Jackson these days — a YouTube video — wherein he declared MJ was a Bad and Dangerous man.  King alleges that Jackson was guilty of sexually preying on young boys, and if he expected the sympathy of Republicans like King, he should have at least had the good sense to run for Congress.

While we at the Earmark find King to be particularly hypocritical, we also question the motivation of the bill’s sponsors.  You see, Reps. Sheila Jackson Lee and Diane Watson are prominent members of the Congressional Black Caucus, and while there was a time that the King of Pop brought enormous positive publicity to African-American culture, his late life followed a very different trajectory.

Specifically, between Lisa Marie Presley, Debbie Rowe, his dermatologist-conceived children, and, well, himself… Michael Jackson assembled the whitest family this side of the Romneys.  Reps. Watson and Jackson Lee, are you sure you want to stake your good names to this cause?

So Alaska governor Sarah Palin is stepping down on July 26, and pundits are struggling to figure out why.  Is she running for president?  Is she going to cash in Mike Huckabee-style with a show on Fox News?  Or will she ride her VP loser status to international acclaim, just like Joe Lieberman and John Edwards?

The answer is no, no, and no.  If you ask us, Palin is obviously stepping down in anticipation of a major scandal becoming national news!   The only question is what scandal?  We’ll get the ball rolling with a couple speculations, but feel free to add your own in the comments section!