THE EARMARK

There’s something about the sex lives of Nevada politicians that recalls a traffic accident you just can’t look away from.  And no, we’re not talking about Sen. Harry Reid enjoying a little missionary position with the missus.  (We’ll pause 20 minutes for you to flush that horrible image out of your mind.)

Here at the Earmark, we’re much more interested in Nevada’s philandering set.  And that group is chaired my Sen. John Ensign (R-Christian Group House), and the state’s governor, Cheatin’ Jim Gibbons.

Ensign, who has a taste for his staffers’ wives, will never get in trouble so long as his parents are around to bail him out.  Contrast that with Gibbons, who dates everyone from Playmates to podiatrists’ wives, and mostly just needs someone to let him into his governor’s mansion.

But while Senator Ensign has recently shifted his focus from getting laid to sabotaging healthcare, Governor Gibbons continues to embarrass himself in the field of sex.  Here’s the latest:

• This week, Gibbons lied about bringing a mistress with him on a recent visit to Washington, even though video existed of the two of them together on the trip.
• He also said with a straight face that he hasn’t had sex since 1995, despite conducting public extramarital affairs with at least 3 separate women during that time.

If Gibbons has really been cut off since 1995, he’s the most inept gigolo since Bill O’Reilly.  That’s because there’s a trail of 867 text messages indicating that Gibbons was certainly trying to get laid sometime in the last 14 years.  He also propositioned a cocktail waitress for a night of non-consensual sex in a parking garage, although apparently that was also a failure.

If you find it ironic that the governor of the union’s most brothel-intensive state has been abstinent since the first Clinton administration, we’d argue this sort of thing happens everywhere.  For instance, Vermont has become the most reliably liberal state in the US, but they’re governed by a Republican. And New Jersey is the eggplant capital of the world, but their governor looks like he eats nothing but bacon cheeseburgers.

And also, Gibbons is lying.

And before the Latina-loving governor gets his hopes up, may we remind him that headline does not say Colombia.

No, we’re talking Columbia, South Carolina where the hubristic conservative remains governor, despite a multi-week ordeal wherein he lied to his staff about an Appalachian Trail trek, hightailed it to Argentina to boink a TV reporter, and then came back to South Carolina to cry, suggest he could have been King of the Jews, and work on his Bill Clinton impersonation.

But now he’s going to have to do it without his wife and children.  Because they’re abandoning Sanford in his governor’s mansion…

Jenny Sanford, the wife of Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, will move from the governor’s mansion in Columbia to Charleston with the couple’s four sons, she announced on Friday, signaling that she intends to keep her distance from her husband.

While the news is obviously a setback for the governor, we’re confident that he could fill the vacancies in his mansion without too much trouble.  Topping the list of likely guests…

Maria Belén Chapur- This would be the aforementioned reporter at the heart of the Sanford affair.  Helping her cause for admittance is that she’s Sanford’s proclaimed soul mate.  (Sorry, Bill Maher.)

His Old Roomies From the Capitol Hill Christian Group House- Nothing could be more Christian than welcoming a stranger into your home, only in the case of Sanford’s old roommates John Ensign (R-NV) and Chip Pickering (R-MS), you’ll have to replace the word “stranger” with “fellow self-righteous blowhard who also cheated on his wife.”  Oh, and Rep. Zach Wamp (R-TN) will tag along, too — although mostly just for the free cash.

700,000,000 Dollar Bills- That would be the stimulus money that Sanford refuses to spend after being knocked off his soapbox and being forced to accept money for roads, schools and hospitals.  The governor could use a cuddling partner right about now, and George Washington seems as worthy as anyone.

Fellow Philandering Governor Jim Gibbons (R-NV)- Gibbons is the Ying to Sanford’s Yang, as evidenced by the two men’s post-affair trajectories.  While Sanford was abandoned in his mansion as his wife headed home, out in Nevada, it was Gibbons who got kicked out of the mansion while his wife stayed!  Now Gibbons would have probably prefered some classier accomodations than downtown Columbia.  For instance, crashing with some fashionable gay friends in midtown Manhattan would be much more appealing — but hey, we can’t all be Rudy Giuliani.

Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) has had a busy first month on the job, what with service dogs and special committees on aging and babies that take after Marv Albert.

Consequently, we don’t blame him for taking so long to move out of that prominent Republican’s house.

And by “that prominent Republican,” we don’t mean Franken’s close buddy G. Gordon Liddy.  We’re talking about Norman Ornstein, a bigwig at the American Enterprise Institute.

The point is, Franken finally got up off that guy’s couch (or guest bedroom as it were) and found a place of his own…

Franken moved into new digs of his very own on Capitol Hill over the weekend, according to an HOH source…

When Franken made trips to D.C. during the seven months that the final results of the Minnesota Senate race were unresolved, he stayed in a guest room at the home of American Enterprise Institute resident scholar (and Roll Call contributing writer) Norman Ornstein. The two are longtime friends, having met at the 1988 Democratic National Convention.

The Frankens shacked up with Ornstein while looking for a new place after the Senator was officially sworn in earlier this month.

While we’re happy that Franken finally has a space large enough to house both his collection of Perry Mason tapes and his ego, we wonder if he wouldn’t be better served by continuing to live with Republicans.

For instance, Rep. Zach Wamp (R-TN) got $5000 from fellow Republican John Ensign simply because the two lived together. (Or, one source alleges, were having an affair.)  All we’re saying is that a stray five grand here and there could only help Franken, especially if Norman Hsu isn’t available to donate the next time around.

We’d like to credit Roll Call, the newspaper of Capitol Hill, for breaking this important story.  That said, we should note that while their reporters confirmed Franken no longer lived with Ornstein, they could only refer to his new home as an “undisclosed” location.

Which means on second thought, maybe Franken is living with a prominent Republican!

Health care reform is splitting Congress down the middle and America is paying the price.

On the left, you have Hollywood liberals like Blanche Lincoln and Jon Tester, who want to force hardworking Americans into Soviet communal hospitals where all diagnoses call for prescription marijuana and tofu breast implants.

On the right, you have family-first conservatives like David Vitter and John Ensign, who believe poor Americans’ only exposure to medication should be in rural meth labs.

But what about the so-called moderate Republicans (read: Republicans who do not take the Book of Revelations literally)?  Well by today’s standards, Chuck Grassley (R-IA) is one of these Republicans, having gotten an 11% rating from the NAACP and a 20% from the ACLU. (Jim DeMint, just for comparison, got a 7% from both.)

So maybe Grassley would be sympathetic to the health care plan being pushed by President Obama and Congressional Democrats?  Maybe?

Well the senator has weighed in with a response via his favorite medium — Twitter — and the answer is a resounding “no.”  At least we think so.  Which is to say, if you can make sense of this post, please let us know…

Misinformatio accuses me of supportin ObamaCare NOT TRUE I M at table making sure Govt takeovr doesn’t happen,protect patience,and taxpayers

Although nearly 50% of the words in Grassley’s “tweet” were technically English, it’s still hard to make sense of it all.  Fortunately we have this related “tweet” to clarify…

PTL BluDogs Keep barkin Pelosie bill is Govt takeovr of healthCare Breaks Obama promise”keep what u hv” Puts Wash Burocrats in chrg MUSTSTOP

Well, that certainly clears things up.  Not in the sense of Grassley’s health care stance, his openness to compromise, or even his ability to control spastic finger motions.  But it does confirm a theory that we’ve been harboring since a previous Grassley “tweet” on July 18…

He definitively cannot spell “Pelosi.”

Congratulations, Senator John Ensign (R-NV)!  After serving 15 years in Congress without a single notable achievement, you’ve finally managed to make a name for yourself in politics.

Caught with his pants down astride his intern, Ensign is now something of a household name.  But his fame wasn’t truly understood until this week, when America learned that the senator’s been inspiring copycats!

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you State Senator Paul Stanley (R-TN).  This gay-bashing, abstinence-preaching legislator saw how far intern-related affairs had propelled Ensign and — presumably hoping to make a U.S. Senate run of his own one day — decided to emulate his superior.  And since it takes an extra bit of pizazz to get noticed on the state level, Stanley picked an intern who was only 22.

But the similarities don’t stop there, so perhaps a handy chart is in order…

We should add that the ever-zealous Stanley went even further to emulate Ensign when he physically assaulted his wife in a garage.  The only problem is that he mistakenly copied the wrong Nevada politician.  That move is the signature crime of Governor Jim Gibbons.

It’s a ridiculous allegation, right? But throw in a little bit of transitive logic and it makes perfect sense.  First consider the news story…

Eight days after admitting to an extramarital affair, Sen. John Ensign gave $5,000 to the Tennessee gubernatorial campaign of Rep. Zach Wamp – a fellow Republican who lives with Ensign in a Christian group house on Capitol Hill’s C Street.

Now for those unfamiliar with Christian group house etiquette, understand that the last time Ensign doled out multi-thousand dollar payments, it was to a lady he had illicitly balled during a long-term affair.  (Okay technically his parents doled out the cash, but the senator is embarrassed enough as it is, okay?)

Now consider our logic…

Ensign cuts multi-thousand dollar checks to those he porks during affairs  +  He just gave Rep. Wamp 5000 big ones  –>  Ensign was having an affair with Wamp.

If you’re still skeptical, consider the behavior of two previous tenants of the home…

Two other former housemates, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford (R) and former Rep. Chip Pickering (R-Miss.), both have also been implicated in extramarital affairs since the Ensign scandal broke last month.

In other words, if everyone in the house is having affairs and making cash payments and whatnot, why not just simplify things and start making those transactions among one another?

In conclusion, we fear that Christian group houses on Capitol Hill might not be achieving their intended effect.  Perhaps the congressmen should adjust their standards to those of a rival group house inhabited by Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Dick Durbin (D-IL), George Miller (D-CA) and Bill Delahunt (D-MA).  Their rules are simple: Restock the cereal, kill any stray rodents, and pile on Schumer until he makes his bed.

Oh, and if you feel the sudden urge to parcel out cash payments or conduct affairs, definitely wait until the New York Times reporter leaves the house.

Senator John Ensign (R-NV), you march your butt right over here!  You were a very bad boy, Senator!  A very bad boy!  Now you go stand in the corner and think about what you did while Mommy and Daddy write a check to pay off your mistress…

Senator John Ensign’s parents gave almost $100,000 to his former lover and her family in April 2008, it was revealed on Thursday, as Mr. Ensign’s embarrassment over his extramarital affair seemed to deepen.

“In April 2008, Senator John Ensign’s parents each made gifts to Doug Hampton, Cindy Hampton, and two of their children in the form of a check totaling $96,000,” a statement on the senator’s behalf said. “Each gift was limited to $12,000. The payments were made as gifts, accepted as gifts and complied with tax rules governing gifts.”

We at the Earmark don’t know what is more hypocritical:

1. The fact that Ensign has routinely campaigned on a right-wing family “values” platform yet was off philandering with a married woman.

or

2. The fact that he routinely votes against any form of welfare or poverty assistance and yet the man is still living off of his wealthy parents!

Our friends at Politics Daily point out that Ensign is in good company as far as unsavory Nevada politicians go, but let’s face it: In terms of sheer loser-dom, the senator wins hands down.

Just compare him to the state’s governor, Cheatin’ Jim Gibbons.  When that man got the inkling to rape a cocktail waitress in a Reno parking garage, he went right up to her and told her his intentions.  He didn’t wuss out and make his parents do it for him!

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has had a rough couple of weeks.  First his soapbox scheme to reject federal stimulus money blew up in his face, rendering him a national joke.  Then he set off for the Appalachian Trail, only to wander off course and end up in South America. Then he came back to South Carolina, admitted to an international love affair, resigned as chairman of the Republican Governors’ Association, and bawled like a schoolgirl on national television.

It’s time we took pity on this poor man by backing off, handing him a live microphone, and allowing him to compare himself to David: King of the Jews.

Here’s the erstwhile thru-hiker in his own words…

What I find interesting is the story of David, and the way in which he fell mightily, he fell in very very significant ways. But then picked up the pieces and built from there.

Sanford followed this remark with a prepared statement, in which he reminded reporters that after David’s own biblical sex scandal, he too served out the remaining 18 months of his term until state law forbid him from seeking re-election…

I remain committed to rebuilding the trust that has been committed to me over the next 18 months, and it is my hope that I am able to follow the example set by David in the Bible - who after his fall from grace humbly refocused on the work at hand.

Although we at The Earmark are happy that Sanford’s confidence and self-image haven’t been even remotely shaken by his own transgressions, we feel that he may have gone to far by likening himself to David: King of the Jews.  Perhaps a comparison to Elliot: Sheriff of Wall Street, John: Bore of the Senate, or Vito: Drunk Driver of Alexandria would have made a better starting point.