THE EARMARK

A new Gallup poll released last week offers both good news and bad news for President Obama.

The bad news?  Obama is statistically tied with a generic Republican in the 2012 presidential election.

The good news?  Many Republicans surveyed believe that “generic” candidate should be either John McCain or Scott Brown.

To rephase: That’s one candidate who’s fresh off a 2008 loss, would be 85 by the end of his second term, and might lose his Senate primary to Atilla the Hun.  And a second candidate who has spent more time buck naked in the pages of Cosmo than he’s spent on Capitol Hill.

Among GOP frontrunners, McCain and Brown trail only Mitt Romney, whose entire governing experience consists of a single term as governor, and Sarah Palin, who didn’t even make it that far.

And that’s your top four: Romney, Palin, McCain, Brown.  This leaves us with just one question:

WHAT, no Ronald Reagan?  Or at least Curt Schilling, Barry Goldwater or Joe the Plumber– all right-wing heroes.  And what about Rudy?  It’s only been nine years since 9/11.  Hell, even Joe Lieberman should be on this list.

As for professional GOP campaigners like Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and Louisiana Robot-in-Chief Bobby Jindal, the message is clear: They’d best either lose an election or irrationally quit their jobs pronto if they plan to be flipping pancakes in New Hampshire come January 2012.

Remember Ned Lamont?  He’s the cable-TV mogul who beat Sen. Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut Democratic primary back in 2006, only to lose to him three months later in the general election.

Well, now he’s back and he’s announced his candidacy to succeed retiring Governor “M” Jodi Rell this November.

Lamont enters the Democratic primary as the nominal front-runner, but other candidates are on the horizon.  How will Lamont repeat history by beating them in the primary, and then losing to them in November?

Opponent	How Lamont Will Beat Him in the Primary	How Lamont Will Lose to Him in the General
Chris Dodd, retiring Senator	Dodd, embarrassed after being forced out of his Senate seat, will fail to rehabilitate his sullied image among Democrats.	Lamont will be caught by surprise when Countrywide Insurance, emboldened by the Supreme Court’s recent campaign finance ruling, donates $50 billion worth of foreclosed properties to Dodd’s campaign, putting him over the top.
Alec Baldwin, actor	Lamont will gain victory by pointing out that Baldwin, despite his frequent candidacy for public office in Connecticut, technically lives in New York.	Confused Tea Party activists, mistakening him for his right-wing brother Stephen, will hand Baldwin the governorship.
Joe Lieberman, Senator	Lieberman can’t resist making an ass of himself, so he will enter and lose the governor’s race.	Patriotic “buy America” fever will give Joe the edge, considering that Lamont drives a Prius and Lieberman is the one thing keeping Chrysler’s PT Cruiser in production.
Paul Newman, deceased philanthropist	Although Newman is a beloved Connecticut icon, Lamont will sneak past him in the primary by pointing out that he is dead.	Lamont is simply a loser.

Alec Baldwin is not a Republican, but he plays one on TV.  His character Jack Donaghy is an institution on NBC’s 30 Rock, defined by his business prowess and his lust for Greta van Susteren.  And while Baldwin’s real life political views are more of the scream-at-women-in-fur-coats variety, he’s so convincing on TV that even conservatives like Matt Drudge are trying to get into his pants.

Now FCC regulations indicate that an article about contrived political beliefs cannot go beyond a paragraph without mentioning Joe Lieberman, the “Independent Democrat” from Connecticut.  Although he currently caucuses with the Senate Democrats, Lieberman is perhaps best known for his full-throated endorsement of Republican John McCain in the 2008 presidential election.  This followed Lieberman’s own failed run for the Oval Office in 2004, running simultaneously on the Democratic and Anti-Masonic tickets, and his defeat in the 2006 Connecticut Democratic primary to Ned Lamont, whose only qualification for the job of US Senator was having an active Moveon.org account.

So you can probably see where we’re going with this…

Baldwin, a proud Nutmegger (that’s New England slang for a person who technically lives in New York) has been making noise about challenging for Lieberman in 2012.  Declaring that he “had no use for” the turncoat lawmaker, Baldwin suggested that he’d consider a jowl-rattling campaign to return Lieberman’s seat to Democratic hands.  Lieberman replied by imitating Baldwin’s Hollywood buddy Clint Eastwood, but unfortunately the fun ends there.

You see once it dawned on Baldwin that running for Lieberman’s seat would require him to move out of New York and actually live in Connecticut, he began getting cold feet.  So as of press time, he’s out, but not before one final dig at old Joe, calling him a “moderate Republican.”

But Baldwin backed out too hastily.  He might believe that serving as Senator from Connecticut would require you to live in the state, but he couldn’t be more wrong.  As it turns out, the Nutmeg State is currently represented by Iowa resident Chris Dodd and New Hampshire’s own … (drumroll)

Joe Lieberman.

Bad news for those of you hoping to trade in a gas-guzzling Bentley and get $4500 toward a spiffy new Chevy Aveo.  The government’s much-hyped “cash for clunkers” program is about to crumble like a Ford Festiva in an elevator door.

The program’s principal sin?  Being way too successful…

The government plans to suspend its popular “cash for clunkers” program amid concerns it could quickly use up the $1 billion in rebates for new car purchases, congressional officials said Thursday…

Through late Wednesday, 22,782 vehicles had been purchased through the program and nearly $96 million had been spent. But dealers raised concerns about large backlogs in the processing of the deals in the government system, prompting the suspension.

So barring further notice, this program is finished.  And while some will lament its demise, others will applaud it.  Let’s examine who wins and loses based on this news…

WINNERS

• Personal friends of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and his predecessor, Hank Paulson.  If “cash for clunkers” had survived, these folks would have received a mere $32 billion for bonuses.
• Personal friends of the House Ethics Committee, who will now get to keep their ethical earmark money doled out by ethics-minded congressmen.
• Personal friends and relatives of Rep. Jack Murtha (D-PA), whom the aforementioned Ethics Committee is investigating, only not really.  More cash for this crowd, too.
• Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC) who opposes all forms of federal stimulus, opting to save the money for a time portal to 19th century Belgium.

LOSERS

• Ford Motor Company, who passed on federal stimulus money with the idea that they’d gain sales from this particular program.  For the eponymous family running the show, this is even worse than owning the Lions.
• The majority of President Obama’s cabinet, who all need to ditch that fleet of foreign cars they collectively drive.
• Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT), who thought this would be his big chance to unload an armada of hideously-painted PT Cruisers.

Stop what you’re doing, call your broker, and put in a “buy” order on Honda, Hyundai, Toyota, Mercedes… any car company as long as it’s not American!

Allow us to explain: President Obama has named Ron Bloom as his new chief advisor on the automobile industry, and if past appointments are any indication, Bloom is going to be a walking, talking advertisement for a foreign-made car.  Just check the published stats and you’ll see that the road to Obama’s cabinet is full of speed-traps for anyone caught driving domestic.

Consider the cars of current administration members…

- Timothy Geithner: Acura TSX

- Larry Summers: Mazda Protégé

- Peter Orszag: Honda Odyssey and Volvo S60

- Austin Goolsbee: Toyota Highlander

- New auto task force leader Brian Deese: Honda Civic

- Steven Rattner, the financially-shady bureaucrat that Bloom is replacing: Mercedes-Benz 350

You’ll admit that although Ron Bloom’s ride of choice has yet to be publicly revealed, the odds are looking pretty good for Germany and Japan.  In fact, when all is said and done, the only two administrators still driving American might be Obama himself (Ford Escape Hybrid) and VP Joe Biden (1981 Trans Am with Night Ranger in the tape deck.)

Let the record stand that none of this would have happened under a John McCain administration.  In fact, all imports would have probably been cut off by this point due to the ongoing war with Spain.  And if party leaders had allowed McCain to pick Joe Lieberman as his VP, there would have been a whole fleet of colorfully adorned PT Cruisers in the White House parking lot as well!

[In the interest of full disclosure, none of us here at The Earmark drive American, either.  But if no one from our site is appointed to at least Secretary of Labor by the end of Obama's first term, we're just going to give up and finally indulge ourselves with one of those dreamy Pontiac Azteks we've been holding off on.]

So Alaska governor Sarah Palin is stepping down on July 26, and pundits are struggling to figure out why.  Is she running for president?  Is she going to cash in Mike Huckabee-style with a show on Fox News?  Or will she ride her VP loser status to international acclaim, just like Joe Lieberman and John Edwards?

The answer is no, no, and no.  If you ask us, Palin is obviously stepping down in anticipation of a major scandal becoming national news!   The only question is what scandal?  We’ll get the ball rolling with a couple speculations, but feel free to add your own in the comments section!

Item! The word in Washington is that Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is about to announce his pick for his vice-presidential running mate! This will be McCain’s most important decision of the campaign. Whoever serves as his #2 will have the responsibilities of:

* Serving as President of the U.S. Senate.

*Being dispatched to dinner functions in countries whose cuisine gives McCain gas.

* Running the country each night from 7 to 8 pm while McCain is watching Matlock.

Washington Insiders have narrowed down McCain’s choices to five front-runners and the Pages are pleased to give you our Official Vegas Betting Odds on each of them:

Name	Why He’ll Get It	Why He Won’t	Page’s Betting Odds
Tim Pawlenty Governor of Minnesota	Evangelical Christian from a potential swing-state.	Who wants a vice-president who can’t even score with his own wife?	2 : 1
Mitt Romney Former Governor of Massachusetts	Only candidate who can carry the hedge fund and polygamy votes simultaneously.	Americans might be intimidated by such a brilliant, accomplished, righteous, wealthy, handsome family man. (Source: Mitt Romney)	Six : Half-Dozen
Charlie Crist Governor of Florida	Having an obviously gay man on the ticket could help McCain cut into a traditionally Democratic voting bloc.	His dark orange tan clashes badly with the McCain campaign’s blue-and-white theme colors.	69 : 1
Joe Lieberman Senator from Connecticut	Brings valuable experience in the field of losing vice-presidential campaigns. Comes with his own theme song.	Dogged by insidious Washington whisper campaign that he is a Jew.	666 : 1
Bobby Jindal Governor of Louisiana	Introduced an Amber Alert for senior citizens in his home state, so he’ll be ready to respond when McCain wanders off during a G-8 Summit.	America may not be ready for a Catholic vice-president.	1.132 billion : 1