THE EARMARK

In the most exciting development in academia since Alberto Gonzales became the Bobby Knight of junior level poli-sci courses, disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has agreed to teach a class at the City University of New York.

Although students will be drawn to the course by Spitzer’s personal charisma and tell-all tales of Robert Morganthau, the true learning will come from Spitzer’s hand-selected reading list.  And what’s on that list?  The course hasn’t yet begun, but here’s what we’ve learned so far:

DEFINITELY ON THE LIST

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk - “Pugilistic” is the second-most common adjective associated with Spitzer, right after “bludgeoning.”

Lost Soldiers by Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA) - Spitzer’s students will be tested on their knowledge of “romping atop Simolzak’s huge frame,” and Webb’s book is the ultimate authority.

Those Who Trespass by Bill O’Reilly - Spitzer wants his class to learn that not every sex scandal involves pushing hookers to their brink, as his did.  New York’s own O’Reilly proved they could also involve tales of cunnilingus-obsessed, homicidal TV hosts and falafels.

Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex (DVD) - Spitzer owes everything to his mentor, and assigning her groundbreaking DVD to his class is just a small bit of payback.

O’er the Ramparts: Presidential Leadership for 2016 by Eliot Spitzer - Spitzer had 500,000 of these printed up in 2006 and he’s got to do something with them.

DEFINITELY NOT ON THE LIST

The Manhattan Madam: Sex, Drugs Scandal and Greed Inside America’s Most Successful Prostitution Ring by Kristin Davis - Davis’ tell-all memoir incorrectly states Spitzer’s preferred color of ball gag.

Eliot Spitzer - #1 Gringo! by Christopher Jansen - Ever the gentleman, Spitzer insists that globe-trotting former New York Sen. Hillary Clinton is in fact the #1 Gringo.

Senatorial bad boy Jim Webb (D-VA) touched down this morning in Myanmar (nèe Burma) to lay down the law with the nation’s oppressive military regime.

Webb is just the man for the job.  As a  highly decorated former Marine Corpsman and a much-feared Ultimate Fighting champion, the senior senator from Virginia has guts, stamina, and the killer instinct needed to deal with the leader of Myanmar’s junta, Senior General Than Shwe.  After all, this is a man who already took on and conquered a much more formidable foe: the vicious, noose-swinging Confederate reenactor Sen. George Allen.

Webb had this to say in a press conference last night:

She romped on top of Simolzak’s huge frame, straddling him with her hands on his chest, her back arched and her breasts flailing wildly in the air. Her back was to him and her long hair swung from side to side as if accentuating the abandonment of her screams.

Whoops, wrong quote. That one was from Webb’s recent novel, Lost Soldiers.  He actually said something regarding Myanmar.  The details are irrelevant.  What really matters is that this is an epic matchup.

In one corner: Than Shwe, the Asian sensation that’s oppressing a nation.  In the other corner: Jim Webb, the Ayatollah of Annapolis.  At stake: the fair hand of Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, Burmese democracy leader.  The rules: none.

Don’t tell former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich that he’s hit rock bottom.  Not while he’s starring in an Andrew Lloyd Weber-themed parody.  Not while his wife Patti wins America’s hearts on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! Not when he’s about to release the most anticipated political book since Sen. Jim Webb’s last bodice-ripper.

And certainly not while the man remains Governor of Illinois!  Well… to be more accurate, you’d have to substitute “Illinois” with “a grain elevator on the South Side of Chicago.”  And “governor” should be replaced with “a painted name peeling off the facade“…

At least one sign in Illinois — welcoming drivers to the state’s International Port District — still proclaims Rod R. Blagojevich to be governor…

The painted sign near the top of a 41-story grain elevator near Lake Calumet still bears the disgraced former governor’s name.

“The good news is it’s flaking off,” said Tony Ianello, executive director of the port, which moves about 35 million tons of cargo a year, mostly steel. “The bad news is it’s still up there.”

Why so?

Because it’s too expensive to remove, Ianello said.

We applaud Blagojevich’s foresight in leaving his state so bankrupt that it couldn’t shell out the cash to scrub his corrupt name off of every public edifice.  But his glory isn’t going to last much longer; the state has announced plans to repaint the grain elevator following the 2010 election.

Unfortunately for Blago, this directly coincides with the demise of his other remaining public legacy… Roland Burris.