THE EARMARK

There’s something about the sex lives of Nevada politicians that recalls a traffic accident you just can’t look away from.  And no, we’re not talking about Sen. Harry Reid enjoying a little missionary position with the missus.  (We’ll pause 20 minutes for you to flush that horrible image out of your mind.)

Here at the Earmark, we’re much more interested in Nevada’s philandering set.  And that group is chaired my Sen. John Ensign (R-Christian Group House), and the state’s governor, Cheatin’ Jim Gibbons.

Ensign, who has a taste for his staffers’ wives, will never get in trouble so long as his parents are around to bail him out.  Contrast that with Gibbons, who dates everyone from Playmates to podiatrists’ wives, and mostly just needs someone to let him into his governor’s mansion.

But while Senator Ensign has recently shifted his focus from getting laid to sabotaging healthcare, Governor Gibbons continues to embarrass himself in the field of sex.  Here’s the latest:

• This week, Gibbons lied about bringing a mistress with him on a recent visit to Washington, even though video existed of the two of them together on the trip.
• He also said with a straight face that he hasn’t had sex since 1995, despite conducting public extramarital affairs with at least 3 separate women during that time.

If Gibbons has really been cut off since 1995, he’s the most inept gigolo since Bill O’Reilly.  That’s because there’s a trail of 867 text messages indicating that Gibbons was certainly trying to get laid sometime in the last 14 years.  He also propositioned a cocktail waitress for a night of non-consensual sex in a parking garage, although apparently that was also a failure.

If you find it ironic that the governor of the union’s most brothel-intensive state has been abstinent since the first Clinton administration, we’d argue this sort of thing happens everywhere.  For instance, Vermont has become the most reliably liberal state in the US, but they’re governed by a Republican. And New Jersey is the eggplant capital of the world, but their governor looks like he eats nothing but bacon cheeseburgers.

And also, Gibbons is lying.

And before the Latina-loving governor gets his hopes up, may we remind him that headline does not say Colombia.

No, we’re talking Columbia, South Carolina where the hubristic conservative remains governor, despite a multi-week ordeal wherein he lied to his staff about an Appalachian Trail trek, hightailed it to Argentina to boink a TV reporter, and then came back to South Carolina to cry, suggest he could have been King of the Jews, and work on his Bill Clinton impersonation.

But now he’s going to have to do it without his wife and children.  Because they’re abandoning Sanford in his governor’s mansion…

Jenny Sanford, the wife of Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, will move from the governor’s mansion in Columbia to Charleston with the couple’s four sons, she announced on Friday, signaling that she intends to keep her distance from her husband.

While the news is obviously a setback for the governor, we’re confident that he could fill the vacancies in his mansion without too much trouble.  Topping the list of likely guests…

Maria Belén Chapur- This would be the aforementioned reporter at the heart of the Sanford affair.  Helping her cause for admittance is that she’s Sanford’s proclaimed soul mate.  (Sorry, Bill Maher.)

His Old Roomies From the Capitol Hill Christian Group House- Nothing could be more Christian than welcoming a stranger into your home, only in the case of Sanford’s old roommates John Ensign (R-NV) and Chip Pickering (R-MS), you’ll have to replace the word “stranger” with “fellow self-righteous blowhard who also cheated on his wife.”  Oh, and Rep. Zach Wamp (R-TN) will tag along, too — although mostly just for the free cash.

700,000,000 Dollar Bills- That would be the stimulus money that Sanford refuses to spend after being knocked off his soapbox and being forced to accept money for roads, schools and hospitals.  The governor could use a cuddling partner right about now, and George Washington seems as worthy as anyone.

Fellow Philandering Governor Jim Gibbons (R-NV)- Gibbons is the Ying to Sanford’s Yang, as evidenced by the two men’s post-affair trajectories.  While Sanford was abandoned in his mansion as his wife headed home, out in Nevada, it was Gibbons who got kicked out of the mansion while his wife stayed!  Now Gibbons would have probably prefered some classier accomodations than downtown Columbia.  For instance, crashing with some fashionable gay friends in midtown Manhattan would be much more appealing — but hey, we can’t all be Rudy Giuliani.

Congratulations, Senator John Ensign (R-NV)!  After serving 15 years in Congress without a single notable achievement, you’ve finally managed to make a name for yourself in politics.

Caught with his pants down astride his intern, Ensign is now something of a household name.  But his fame wasn’t truly understood until this week, when America learned that the senator’s been inspiring copycats!

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you State Senator Paul Stanley (R-TN).  This gay-bashing, abstinence-preaching legislator saw how far intern-related affairs had propelled Ensign and — presumably hoping to make a U.S. Senate run of his own one day — decided to emulate his superior.  And since it takes an extra bit of pizazz to get noticed on the state level, Stanley picked an intern who was only 22.

But the similarities don’t stop there, so perhaps a handy chart is in order…

We should add that the ever-zealous Stanley went even further to emulate Ensign when he physically assaulted his wife in a garage.  The only problem is that he mistakenly copied the wrong Nevada politician.  That move is the signature crime of Governor Jim Gibbons.

So, this past weekend was the big annual National Governors Association conference.  The good people of Biloxi, Mississippi, went all out to put on a great time for the governors, because they deserve it, and to be honest there’s not a whole lot else going on in Biloxi these days.  But attendance was kind of sparse.

Turns out a lot of the governors had a … thing.  That couldn’t be avoided.  Sorry, Biloxi.

Fewer than half of the nation’s 50 governors attended the gathering this year, including the group’s chairman, Gov. Ed Rendell, D-Penn.

Before introducing a videotaped message from Rendell, the incoming NGA chairman, Gov. Jim Douglas, R-Vt., opened the first session on Saturday by stating Rendell needed to stay put in Harrisburg to deal with his state’s “economic and fiscal crisis.”

Now it’s understandable that some governors couldn’t make it because they had incredibly important tasks to do, like checking their email or squabbling with local teenagers.  Some may have had urgent business to take care of with waitresses in parking garages.  And others may have tried to come, but forgot their IDs.

Still, they missed out.  Sure turnout was low, but the governors who did show up had a blast.  John Baldacci of Maine brought some great onion dip and Brad Henry of Oklahoma told his famous off-color joke about “flied lice.”

Oh, and nobody made fools of themselves by exchanging Senate seats for rough sex like two bad apples did last year.

Senator John Ensign (R-NV), you march your butt right over here!  You were a very bad boy, Senator!  A very bad boy!  Now you go stand in the corner and think about what you did while Mommy and Daddy write a check to pay off your mistress…

Senator John Ensign’s parents gave almost $100,000 to his former lover and her family in April 2008, it was revealed on Thursday, as Mr. Ensign’s embarrassment over his extramarital affair seemed to deepen.

“In April 2008, Senator John Ensign’s parents each made gifts to Doug Hampton, Cindy Hampton, and two of their children in the form of a check totaling $96,000,” a statement on the senator’s behalf said. “Each gift was limited to $12,000. The payments were made as gifts, accepted as gifts and complied with tax rules governing gifts.”

We at the Earmark don’t know what is more hypocritical:

1. The fact that Ensign has routinely campaigned on a right-wing family “values” platform yet was off philandering with a married woman.

or

2. The fact that he routinely votes against any form of welfare or poverty assistance and yet the man is still living off of his wealthy parents!

Our friends at Politics Daily point out that Ensign is in good company as far as unsavory Nevada politicians go, but let’s face it: In terms of sheer loser-dom, the senator wins hands down.

Just compare him to the state’s governor, Cheatin’ Jim Gibbons.  When that man got the inkling to rape a cocktail waitress in a Reno parking garage, he went right up to her and told her his intentions.  He didn’t wuss out and make his parents do it for him!