THE EARMARK

For those of you who keep letting unwatched CSPAN-2 broadcasts pile up in your DVR, we’ll now fill you in on the past week of Senate proceedings:

• Thursday: Irascible Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) stages a one-man legislative blockade, thus eliminating 400,00 people’s unemployment benefits, choking off COBRA payments, halting hundreds of federal transportation projects, cutting doctors’ Medicare payments by 21%, and furloughing 2,000 federal employees.
• Friday: Bunning tells furloughed workers “tough shit” and then names the true casualty of his blockade: His having to miss a basketball game on TV.
• Monday: Pressed by reporters, Bunning gives them the finger and gets territorial about an elevator.
• Meanwhile, the GOP’s national image takes a hit, and their “party of no” reputation is reinforced.
• Tuesday: Satisfied, Bunning drops his objection.

The way we see it, this was never about jobs.  Rather, Bunning’s main objective all along was to make the GOP squirm.

That’s because the Kentucky reactionary blames Mitch McConnell and other GOP leaders for forcing him from his 2010 reelection campaign.  (Although some would say his horrible poll numbers and advanced dementia also contributed.)  And since suing the Republican Party wasn’t viable revenge for Bunning, trashing our fragile economy was the next best option.

Now McConnell and company must absorb notoriety for Bunning’s mess while trying to mount a powerful comeback in the November election.  And that’s just fine by Bunning, who has nothing left to do but relax and count the days until he leaves the Senate for greener pastures…

Specifically Green Pastures Nursing Home.

The consequences of Ted Kennedy’s death have hit far and wide, from healthcare reform to civil rights to the Washington drinking scene.  But nothing may suffer a more  dire fate than Massachusetts’ blissful lack of moronic ex-jocks running for office.

With Kennedy gone, his unfilled Senate seat has opened the bullpen gates for ex-Red Sox blowhard Curt Schilling to run for office and presumably start comparing trade deficits to ERA…

A day after writing on his blog that he has “some interest” in running for the seat held for nearly 50 years by Democratic Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, Curt Schilling did not back off — and sounded even more determined in considering the opportunity…

A registered independent and longtime Republican supporter, Schilling wrote on his blog that while his family and video game company, 38 Studios, are high priorities, “I do have some interest in the possibility.”

What adds intrigue to the story is that Schilling, by seeking Kennedy’s Massachusetts seat, would actually replace retiring Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY), in order to fulfill the Senate’s quota for old, white, conservative ex-jocks whose primary foreign policy experience was pitching a few games in Canada.  (Or in Bunning’s day, the Dakota Territory.)

Schilling’s resume contains appropriate similarities to Bunning’s — for instance, his heroic World Series victory on a bum ankle rivals Bunning getting attacked by little green doctors.  Still, we won’t be true believers until Schilling predicts a Supreme Court justice’s death, attempts to sue the Republican Party, and loses all of the computer/social media comprehension he currently possesses.

Meanwhile, by this same logic, Bunning’s successor must fill the Ted Kennedy void.  Given that the criteria requires the candidate to be dashing, proudly liberal, ready to party — and, very important, willing to spend a lot of time in Kentucky — it appears the list starts and ends with George Clooney.

For those of you out there who are not glued to Sarah Palin’s Facebook page (and we can’t imagine what else you’re doing with your time), you may have missed her discovery that Barack Obama intends to kill her infant child via the “Death Panel” established by his health care legislation.

Here at The Earmark, we oppose the establishment of an all-powerful federal cabal that has complete authority to vote on life or death decisions for ordinary Americans.  We prefer that the free market have that role.

But considering that we hear the Death Panel’s members are already assembling (Paula Abdul has already cleared her schedule), we’d like to forewarn you about its soon-to-be victims.

Death Panel Victim	Why The Panel Will Vote for Death	Why The Panel Will Vote for Life
Trig Palin	US Weekly has already offered his mother $300,000 for the first photos of his euthanized corpse.	John McCain’s advisers are privately pushing him as an Attorney General candidate.
Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY)	Severe dementia, Alzheimer’s, and Tourette’s Syndrome have destroyed Bunning’s quality of life and contributions to society.	You never know, the man may have one more perfect game left in him.
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney	Romney is Obama’s most formidable GOP rival for 2012. If the Death Panel knocks him off, that title will fall to the nation’s second-most viable Republican: Tom Tancredo.	Since Romney is a synthetic non-human super-predator, any attempts to kill him will hopelessly backfire.
Plumbers making over $250,000 a year	Under Obama’s socialist wealth-redistribution plan, these plumbers must be taxed at the levels they were under Reagan until they perish.	Many of them are needed for their cutting-edge journalism and authorship of bestselling books.

It’s like telling Jerry Seinfeld he can’t start a joke with “what’s the deal…”  It’s like telling Woody Allen he can’t set a film in New York.  It’s like telling Dane Cook he can’t do any more arm farts.

That’s right, folks.  In the worst piece of news for Washington comedy writers since that day Michele Bachmann had laryngitis, Sen. Jim Bunning (R-Dementia Ward) announced he is retiring.  Behold the statement posted on his personal website…

The simple fact is that I have not raised the funds necessary to run an effective campaign for the U.S. Senate. For this reason, I will not be a candidate for re-election in 2010.

Now we can’t imagine why the Kentucky conservative would want find himself so impecunious at this point in his life.  We all know he made a pretty penny during his baseball career, and what about his freelance work as an ad hoc doctor, lawyer, and fairgrounds clown? Surely there’s enough money left in the tank for a hilarious rematch with Daniel Mongiardo!

Thankfully, as if to acknowledge that his retirement is going to contribute to a deficit of comedy in our capital city, Bunning peppered his retirement statements with a couple of meatballs, including:

- This is all the fault of his fellow Senate Republicans, who “have done everything in their power to dry up my fundraising.”

- No one invites him to cocktail parties.

- Blah blah blah socialism.

You know, the more that we at The Earmark think about the prospect of a Bunning-free 2010 election, the harder it is to stomach.  Could this mean there will be no accusations of “limp wrists“?  No cue-card laden satellite debate appearances? No harrowing references to the events of November 11th?

Friends, we cannot let this stand!  That’s why as of today, July 27th, 2009, we at The Earmark are launching a campaign to get Jim Bunning back into the 2010 race.  If real donations couldn’t sustain his campaign, then ironic ones will have to do instead!

So the next time you think about renting a comedy DVD… or paying to hear a stand-up act… or giving a quarter to a babbling guy on the street… save that money and donate it to Bunning’s campaign instead!  Why keep the comedy to yourself?  All of America (or at the very least, Kentucky) needs to laugh in 2010!

With both parties in the U.S. Senate swept up in confirmation fever, it’s time someone offered a different perspective on Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor.  Nearly every senator has praised the New York judge, from John Kerry to John Cornyn.  Isn’t anyone going to break up the love-fest and declare that Sotomayor is unqualified and unworthy of the bench?

Just in the nick of time, enter a senile, disoriented old man…

Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Ky., said Thursday he would vote against Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s nomination to the Supreme Court, becoming at least the fourth Republican to publicly declare his opposition to President Barack Obama’s first nominee to the high court.

“On viewing the record of Judge Sonia Sotomayor, I do not find her to be a suitable candidate for Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, and will vote against her whenever the Senate considers her nomination,” Bunning said on the Senate floor.

Bunning’s argument is simple: Sure, Sotomayor has sat on two federal courts, while also serving as a professor, a prosecutor and a litigator, but where’s the experience that matters?

• Has Sotomayor ever thrown a perfect game?
• Has she ever tried to sue the Republican Party?
• Has she ever accused a political opponent of looking like one of Saddam Hussein’s sons?
• Has she ever had little green doctors pounding on her back?

Well why the heck not??

But before we permanently write off a potential Sotomayor/Bunning alliance, we should consider one more contingency:  Perhaps Bunning is unwilling to vote for Sotomayor this time around but is open to her as President Obama’s next high court appointment.

See, as anyone who listens to Bunning’s periodic rantings is well aware, the senator has already proclaimed Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s imminent death, which means it’s only a matter of months before we start this nomination dance all over again.

Maybe by that time, Sotomayor will have thrown a perfect game.