THE EARMARK

Early yesterday morning, U.S. Rep. John P. Murtha (D-PA)  absconded from his earthly legislating duties for a little slice of paradise beyond the clouds.  And no, that doesn’t mean he rode a Lockheed Martin F-35 to John Murtha Regional Airport in Pennsylvania.  It just means he died.  Went to heaven, if you’re a believer.

Now some of you might say that’s hogwash.  Like if you’re Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA), and you don’t believe in heaven.   Or if you’re Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD), and you don’t believe in heaven for Jack Murtha.  Or if you’re a resident of Murtha’s district, and you don’t believe in heaven for Congressmen that support black presidential candidates.

But let’s say Murtha did make it through the pearly gates.  What awaits him?  Well, here are some possibilities for the dearly departed Democrat…

Rest in peace, Congressman Murtha.

Nor will the New York Democrat be chairing the housing, banking, or general honesty committees.  Why?  Because those duties would all clash with his current slate of corruption running the House Ways and Means Committee.

Here’s how the Washington Post breaks it down…

Mr. Rangel’s amended financial disclosure form, which exposes omissions from his 2002 through 2006 records, is a treasure trove of outrage. He neglected to report a checking account with the Congressional Federal Credit Union and one with Merrill Lynch, each valued between $250,000 and $500,000; the tens of thousands of dollars he’s earning from dividends from a number of mutual funds and stocks; and the money made from the sale of a Harlem townhouse. As a result, Mr. Rangel’s reported net worth doubled, from between $516,015 and $1,316,000 to between $1,028,024 and $2,495,000.

Now Rangel has a number of excuses he can claim for such transgressions.  Among them:

* A couple million dollars is chump change when you’re Charlie Rangel.

* He opted to forgo the middleman and hand his tax dollars directly to Jack Murtha’s friends and relatives.

* He’s still a hell of a lot better at math than anyone working in the White House.

Unfortunately for Rangel, none of those excuses will be good enough to wrest the Math Committee chairmanship away from its current holder, Rep. Don Young (R-AK).  If you’re gonna get creative with the numbers, why stop at six digits?

Bad news for those of you hoping to trade in a gas-guzzling Bentley and get $4500 toward a spiffy new Chevy Aveo.  The government’s much-hyped “cash for clunkers” program is about to crumble like a Ford Festiva in an elevator door.

The program’s principal sin?  Being way too successful…

The government plans to suspend its popular “cash for clunkers” program amid concerns it could quickly use up the $1 billion in rebates for new car purchases, congressional officials said Thursday…

Through late Wednesday, 22,782 vehicles had been purchased through the program and nearly $96 million had been spent. But dealers raised concerns about large backlogs in the processing of the deals in the government system, prompting the suspension.

So barring further notice, this program is finished.  And while some will lament its demise, others will applaud it.  Let’s examine who wins and loses based on this news…

WINNERS

• Personal friends of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and his predecessor, Hank Paulson.  If “cash for clunkers” had survived, these folks would have received a mere $32 billion for bonuses.
• Personal friends of the House Ethics Committee, who will now get to keep their ethical earmark money doled out by ethics-minded congressmen.
• Personal friends and relatives of Rep. Jack Murtha (D-PA), whom the aforementioned Ethics Committee is investigating, only not really.  More cash for this crowd, too.
• Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC) who opposes all forms of federal stimulus, opting to save the money for a time portal to 19th century Belgium.

LOSERS

• Ford Motor Company, who passed on federal stimulus money with the idea that they’d gain sales from this particular program.  For the eponymous family running the show, this is even worse than owning the Lions.
• The majority of President Obama’s cabinet, who all need to ditch that fleet of foreign cars they collectively drive.
• Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT), who thought this would be his big chance to unload an armada of hideously-painted PT Cruisers.

If it’s Wednesday July 22nd, 2009, that can only mean one thing: The American Meat Institute is taking over Capitol Hill!

For hungry Capitol Hill staffers who frequent Congressional receptions in search of free food, Wednesday is their Super Bowl: The American Meat Institute hosts its annual Hot Dog Lunch in the courtyard of the Rayburn House Office Building.  Organizers were expected to serve up more than 4,000 free hot dogs, brats, kielbasas and other sausages to Members, staffers, lobbyists and others starting at about 11 a.m. in the courtyard…

To put it into perspective, if the hot dogs served were laid end-to-end, there would be enough to circle the Capitol Rotunda four times, equal the length of 50 D.C. buses and stretch the entire length of the Reflecting Pool on the National Mall, according to the institute.

There’s a certain poetry in watching our legislators break from reforming our nation’s health care system to spend an hour gorging themselves with meat.  And though we hate to throw a bucket of trichinosis on the party, can we mention the irony that the House spent the earlier part of the day drafting legislation about contracting Type 2 Diabetes?

Of course the day really belongs to the American Meat Institute and its generous hot dog donation. Still, we imagine several key legislators considered this to be a BYOP (Bring Your Own Pork) affair.

How else to explain the fact that Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) showed up to the Hot Dog Lunch with a $50 million hurricane research earmark as a bib?  Or that Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) arrived via an F-22 jet?  Or that Rep. Jack Murtha (D-PA) offered Chambliss an entire airport at which to land that jet?

Maybe next year the American Meat Institute should just bring buns and ketchup and leave the actual pork to the professionals.