THE EARMARK

There’s something about the sex lives of Nevada politicians that recalls a traffic accident you just can’t look away from.  And no, we’re not talking about Sen. Harry Reid enjoying a little missionary position with the missus.  (We’ll pause 20 minutes for you to flush that horrible image out of your mind.)

Here at the Earmark, we’re much more interested in Nevada’s philandering set.  And that group is chaired my Sen. John Ensign (R-Christian Group House), and the state’s governor, Cheatin’ Jim Gibbons.

Ensign, who has a taste for his staffers’ wives, will never get in trouble so long as his parents are around to bail him out.  Contrast that with Gibbons, who dates everyone from Playmates to podiatrists’ wives, and mostly just needs someone to let him into his governor’s mansion.

But while Senator Ensign has recently shifted his focus from getting laid to sabotaging healthcare, Governor Gibbons continues to embarrass himself in the field of sex.  Here’s the latest:

• This week, Gibbons lied about bringing a mistress with him on a recent visit to Washington, even though video existed of the two of them together on the trip.
• He also said with a straight face that he hasn’t had sex since 1995, despite conducting public extramarital affairs with at least 3 separate women during that time.

If Gibbons has really been cut off since 1995, he’s the most inept gigolo since Bill O’Reilly.  That’s because there’s a trail of 867 text messages indicating that Gibbons was certainly trying to get laid sometime in the last 14 years.  He also propositioned a cocktail waitress for a night of non-consensual sex in a parking garage, although apparently that was also a failure.

If you find it ironic that the governor of the union’s most brothel-intensive state has been abstinent since the first Clinton administration, we’d argue this sort of thing happens everywhere.  For instance, Vermont has become the most reliably liberal state in the US, but they’re governed by a Republican. And New Jersey is the eggplant capital of the world, but their governor looks like he eats nothing but bacon cheeseburgers.

And also, Gibbons is lying.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) is a deeply unpopular man right now.  How unpopular?  Well, in a recent poll that had Reid hypothetically matched up with Osama bin Laden, Nevada voters wanted to know bin Laden’s running mate before committing to a candidate.

Okay, so maybe that poll doesn’t actually exist.  Yet.  But the point is that Reid couldn’t beat a drum right now.  So the stage is ripe for an upstart challenger to move in and snatch his Senate seat from right under his jowls.

Apparently that upstart challenger won’t be U.S. Rep. Dean Heller, arguably the most popular Republican in Nevada.  You see, Heller sat back and thought about the prospect of approving Cabinet members, grilling Supreme Court nominees, and joining the most powerful governing body on the planet, and then leaped to the logical conclusion: That’s all well and good, but what about high school sports?

Rep. Dean Heller, R-Nev., has decided not to challenge Sen. Harry Reid in 2010 and will run for re-election in Congressional District 2…

He said a key factor is that his daughter enters high school this fall.

“If I run now, I’m a member of Congress and spend the next year and a half running for Senate,” he said. “I don’t want to miss her first two years in high school.”

Okay, so we’re a little confused. Rep. Heller.  You’re saying it’s nonviable to spend time at your daughter’s high school when you’re a Senate candidate, but that’s totally kosher when you’re actually in government as a United States Representative in a time of war and economic turmoil?

Well you’re damn straight it is!  Our source for such a claim? Why, Rep. Dean Heller (R-NV), as evidenced in this priceless quote:

“Nothing compensates for the time I’m not at home,” Heller said, noting that he missed every one of his daughter Emmy’s track meets this season.

“Next year, I’ll miss votes just to go to her track meets,” he told the students. “It’s that important.”

Wait, it is?  The 400 meter hurdles are more important than passing a national budget?  The javelin more important than military appropriations?  And yet, by Heller’s logic, campaigning for Senate would supersede both sets of duties.  “Forget Emmy’s broad jump, forget the declaration of war back in Congress… I’ve got to scarf down waffles with resentful voters in suburban Reno!”

Well, give Heller this much: Family is at the top of his list. By setting aside a campaign for them, Heller will impress the voting public who, it turns out, actually hate it when congressmen try to talk to them.

The decision also shore up Heller’s support within his own family, on which he still relies for guidance, pleasure and– most important of all– haircuts.

Guess Harry Reid’s going to have to find someone a little less principled to lose to.