THE EARMARK

The first amendment to the U.S. Constitution says that government has no power to restrict freedom of speech, religion or the press.  The second amendment says that if a desperate raccoon chews its way into your house during a blizzard, you’re allowed to blow it to pieces with a $2000 gas-powered Desert Eagle handgun.

Representative Steve King  (R-IA) cashed in on that second freedom last week, as evidenced by this incredibly manly Twitter boast…

Mid day, mid blizzard, 15 degrees, Crazy Raccoon chewing and clawing his way into my house. Desert Eagle 1, Crazy Raccoon zero.

So to all of you complaining that our congressmen never get anything done, now you know how they’re otherwise occupied: Staying indoors and firing pistols at panicked wildlife.

Congressman King defended his raccoon annihilation to Capitol Hill newspaper Roll Call, explaining that while he respects most animals, “I can’t have a crazy ’coon.”  Interesting language coming from the only U.S. representative to vote against acknowledging slaves’ role in the Capitol building’s construction.

As for the Desert Eagle handgun, you might be interested to know that it:

- is manufactured by Magnum Research, which declares itself “maker of the world’s most powerful handguns.”

- is sold under the slogan “the science of kaboom.”

- enjoyed great fame as the gun that got Gilbert Arenas kicked out of the NBA.

And to think: If only Arenas had used his gun to blow up raccoons instead of to “prank” a teammate, he could’ve ditched basketball altogether, kept working in Washington, and represented Council Bluffs, Iowa in Congress.

Or he could have used it to shoot an elderly man in the face and become Vice President.