THE EARMARK

Let’s be honest, patriots.  Ronald Reagan was the greatest American since Jesus Christ, and he deserves as much named after him as possible.  Countless freeways and schools, an airport, an aircraft carrier, and a missile test range are not nearly enough!

We must now turn our sights to natural wonders– those landmarks created by God to set the stage for the Great Communicator’s 93-year visit from heaven from (1911-2004).

Thankfully, a San Francisco Bay-area Christian is on the case– and he’s eradicating Satan in the process!

Arthur Mijares never saw it coming when he filed the federal paperwork to change the name of Contra Costa County’s most famous landmark from Mt. Diablo to Mt. Reagan…

“I just happen to be an ordinary man that worships God,” Mijares said by way of explanation. “He gave me this task in my prayer time. I said, ‘Lord, they’re going to think I’m a loon.’”

But only because they’re in league with Satan, Arthur.  Judging from public comments, naming a San Francisco-area mountain for Reagan would be about as popular as renaming the Daytona Motor Speedway for Nancy Pelosi…

In less than a month, more than 80,000 people have joined a Facebook group called “People AGAINST Re-naming Mt. Diablo to Mt. Reagan!!” The Contra Costa County Board of Supervisors, which will vote on the name change Tuesday, has been flooded with e-mail; the heated response runs nine to one against the idea.

Although the Board won’t vote until this afternoon, it’s already clear  the Bay Area has cast its lot with the Devil, and the Reagan movement will have to pick a more auspicious locale for their Messiah’s resurrection.  (We suggest Grover Norquist’s jacuzzi.)

If it’s any solace to the pro-Reagan crowd, it may be impossible for Republicans to get public recognition in greater San Francisco.  In a town where George W. Bush can’t even get a sewage plant named after him, the time may have come to cut bait and just embrace Satan after all.

A week ago today, Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-TX) announced her plans to resign from the Senate in order to challenge Texas Governor Rick Perry in next year’s Republican primary.

The interesting twist in the story is that under Texas law, Perry gets to fill any vacancies in the state’s Senate delegation.  So, it’s up to him to name Hutchinson’s successor.  Speculation is rife about who he may appoint to fill his rival’s seat.  Here are some of the options:

Potential Appointee	Pros	Cons
Texas Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst	By appointing a devoted loyalist, Perry will be able to spread his influence in the Texas Republican party.	Dewhurst’s refusal to wear a bolo tie makes him suspicious in the eyes of Texas voters.
Hard rocker and proud Texan Ted Nugent	Washington is dangerously lacking in AK-47-wielding maniacs who demand that non-English speakers “get the fuck out of America.”	The National Zoo may have some objections.
Former President and Texas Governor George W. Bush	Forcing Bush to return to Washington would be a hilarious practical joke.	Persistent “birther” conspiracy theory insists Bush was born in Connecticut, not Texas.
Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson	Renominating Hutchinson would be a brilliant masterstroke that would ensure Perry’s reelection as governor.	Many political observers believe Hutchinson lacks the competence to serve in the Senate.

Former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was arguably the most disgraced member of the George W. Bush White House.  As Bush’s personal lackey dating back to Texas days, Gonzales worked odd jobs around the West Wing until John Ashcroft was Raptured, clearing the way for him to become the nation’s top law enforcer.  There, as the head of the Department of Justice, he attempted to show how much he understood the nation’s lawbreakers, by promoting unwarranted wiretapping, torture, and the illegal firing of U.S. Attorneys.  He capped it off by perjuring himself in front of Congress.

After bowing to loud resignation calls that came even from Republican leaders, in 2007 Gonzales rode off into the sunset of private law practice, where he found that no one - no one - would hire him.  But nearly two years later, the former AG has finally found an employer: Texas Tech University, which has hired him to teach a “junior-level course” in the Political Science department.

You may remember Texas Tech from another career that ended in disgrace: basketball coach Bobby Knight!  After choking one too many students, Knight was fired from Indiana University, where he had coached for 30 seasons.  He was happily picked up by Texas Tech, which didn’t seem to mind the coach’s colorful vocabulary and penchant for throwing chairs at referees.

It’s anyone’s guess who will be the next to join Gonzales and Knight in Lubbock.  May we humbly suggest Mark Sanford to chair the Religious Studies department and Mark Foley to teach Adolescent Psychology?