THE EARMARK

The wait is finally over.

For those of you rapt with suspense in the hours, minutes and seconds that have elapsed since Scott Brown’s swearing in, we have good news: The Senator’s memoir will be here faster than a disemboweled health care bill!  According to Politico…

Sen. Scott Brown (R-Mass.), the party’s hottest elected official, has decided to write a book that combines memoir and inspiration.

Now some will say that after only a week on the job (half of which was canceled by snow), Brown couldn’t possibly have enough Senatorial insight to merit a memoir.  But think of it this way: Thanks to his 72 hours on Capitol Hill, Brown already has more legislative experience than literary heavyweights Elizabeth Edwards, Andrew Young, Jenny Sanford, and Joe the Plumber– combined!  How could he not write a book?

As of press time, Brown’s is the only memoir to emerge from last month’s Massachusetts special election for Senate.  We’re told former Brown challenger Martha Coakley ruled out writing a one of her own, citing her internal polls that say the public undoubtedly knows everything about her and wouldn’t even need to read it.

As for Brown’s own tome, no official preview has emerged.  Nevertheless, we’re pretty sure the memoir will include…

- Snow accumulation totals since Brown was sworn in.

- What it’s like to ride in an elevator with Sen. Mike Crapo (R-ID).

- The words Wrentham, Massachusetts.

- Something about a pickup truck.

- Tell-all tales of Simon Cowell (via Brown’s daughter).

- Nude photos of the Senator.

And if those aren’t enticing enough, then just buy this book out of societal pressure.  Because although he has yet to vote on any legislation– or even understand any for that matter– Scott Brown has already made his permanent mark in Washington.

At least until the snow melts.

To hear Elizabeth Edwards tell it, her husband’s former campaign aide, Andrew Young, abetted more bad behavior than anyone this side of Rush Limbaugh’s pharmacist.

Although she opts to not identify Young by name in her bestselling book Reslience, Edwards still considers the ex-staffer guilty of everything from enabling husband John’s affair with a hack filmmaker to stealing her dead son’s baseball card collection.

Further stirring the pot is the fact that Young himself has a book coming out, and in it he claims to have viewed a sex tape made by his former boss and the aforementioned hack Hunter.  (Well, we’re just glad she successfully completed at least one film in her directing career.)  Comedy Central’s Mary Phillips-Sandy suspects the onscreen pillow-talk contained a lot of sultry references to regional health care markets.  But we won’t cite specifics because this is a family website.

What Young doesn’t mention is whether or not he personally was in those sex videos, as he has previously claimed to have knocked up Hunter himself.  Perhaps the two of them acted out a stolen baseball card fetish.  Or maybe they engaged in auto-erotic asphyxiation with one of those LiveStrong bracelets the campaign seemed to stock by the gross.

Either way, that baby has a lot of awkward family reunions awaiting her.