THE EARMARK

Remember how, back in 2008, we all voted out the Republicans because they were greedy, corrupt, and disrespectful of the voting public?  Well give them this much: At least they were good at it.

If you want to see politicians who are simultaneously a) corrupt and b) really bad at it, look no farther than New York state, where elected Democrats are tarnishing every institution of disciplined corruption that the Gambino family worked for decades to establish.

To illustrate our point, here’s a list of all the corrupt Democrats that New York has had to endure in recent months… plus the corrupt Republicans they could learn from.

Corrupt Democrat	Act of Corruption	Republican Who Did It Better
Eliot Spitzer, ex-governor	Hard to believe this was 2 years ago.  Spitzer rode a wave of self-righteousness all the way to Washington, DC, where he washed up aboard The Mayflower… and then paid several thousand dollars for rough sex.	David Vitter, who one-ups Spitzer’s hypocrisy by trying to criminalize the very prostitution industry he patronized so faithfully.
David Paterson, current governor	Allegedly used state police to intimidate the victim of his wife-beating aide. And he forced the Yankees to give him free World Series tickets.	Rudy Giuliani knows more about exploiting the Yankees.  He also knows how to get way more out of thuggish police officers.
Hiram Monserrate, ex-State Senator	Beat the crap out of his live-in girlfriend.	Ousted Rep. Don Sherwood (R-PA) beat the crap out of his live-in mistress.
Charlie Rangel, U.S. Representative	Despite chairing the tax-writing House Ways and Means Committee, he appears to not have declared a taxable asset since the Carter administration.	Ex-Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham, who’s paying back taxes on lobbying gifts in the form of hand-made license plates.
Eric Massa, U.S. Representative	Propositioned a male aide in his Capitol Hill offices.	Actually, Massa even beats the Republicans in this category.  Not even Mark Foley was slick enough to use the excuse: “I’m just a salty old sailor.“

It takes a big man to read the proverbial writing on the wall, telling him his political career is over.  (It’s particularly impressive when that man is blind.)

That’s why David Paterson should be celebrated, not chastised, for dropping out of New York’s gubernatorial race, and giving his 26% of the vote back to the people.

And no, that isn’t a typo.  The standing governor of New York state was polling at 26% in a hypothetical November match-up.  That’s worse than the hooker-craving blowhard that preceded him.

But now that 26% is freed up for better use.  It could go to likely challenger Andrew Cuomo or to New York’s favorite token Republican, Rick Lazio.  Or it could go to a write-in campaign for the millions of New Yorkers that are more popular than Paterson, such as Ed Koch, Batman or the Times Square Naked Cowboy.

And with the race behind him, Paterson can also take that hefty $3 million he had in his campaign war chest, and re-appropriate it toward something more viable than the governorship.

We suggest a two-bedroom walk-up in Manhattan.

In the most exciting development in academia since Alberto Gonzales became the Bobby Knight of junior level poli-sci courses, disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has agreed to teach a class at the City University of New York.

Although students will be drawn to the course by Spitzer’s personal charisma and tell-all tales of Robert Morganthau, the true learning will come from Spitzer’s hand-selected reading list.  And what’s on that list?  The course hasn’t yet begun, but here’s what we’ve learned so far:

DEFINITELY ON THE LIST

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk - “Pugilistic” is the second-most common adjective associated with Spitzer, right after “bludgeoning.”

Lost Soldiers by Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA) - Spitzer’s students will be tested on their knowledge of “romping atop Simolzak’s huge frame,” and Webb’s book is the ultimate authority.

Those Who Trespass by Bill O’Reilly - Spitzer wants his class to learn that not every sex scandal involves pushing hookers to their brink, as his did.  New York’s own O’Reilly proved they could also involve tales of cunnilingus-obsessed, homicidal TV hosts and falafels.

Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex (DVD) - Spitzer owes everything to his mentor, and assigning her groundbreaking DVD to his class is just a small bit of payback.

O’er the Ramparts: Presidential Leadership for 2016 by Eliot Spitzer - Spitzer had 500,000 of these printed up in 2006 and he’s got to do something with them.

DEFINITELY NOT ON THE LIST

The Manhattan Madam: Sex, Drugs Scandal and Greed Inside America’s Most Successful Prostitution Ring by Kristin Davis - Davis’ tell-all memoir incorrectly states Spitzer’s preferred color of ball gag.

Eliot Spitzer - #1 Gringo! by Christopher Jansen - Ever the gentleman, Spitzer insists that globe-trotting former New York Sen. Hillary Clinton is in fact the #1 Gringo.

So, this past weekend was the big annual National Governors Association conference.  The good people of Biloxi, Mississippi, went all out to put on a great time for the governors, because they deserve it, and to be honest there’s not a whole lot else going on in Biloxi these days.  But attendance was kind of sparse.

Turns out a lot of the governors had a … thing.  That couldn’t be avoided.  Sorry, Biloxi.

Fewer than half of the nation’s 50 governors attended the gathering this year, including the group’s chairman, Gov. Ed Rendell, D-Penn.

Before introducing a videotaped message from Rendell, the incoming NGA chairman, Gov. Jim Douglas, R-Vt., opened the first session on Saturday by stating Rendell needed to stay put in Harrisburg to deal with his state’s “economic and fiscal crisis.”

Now it’s understandable that some governors couldn’t make it because they had incredibly important tasks to do, like checking their email or squabbling with local teenagers.  Some may have had urgent business to take care of with waitresses in parking garages.  And others may have tried to come, but forgot their IDs.

Still, they missed out.  Sure turnout was low, but the governors who did show up had a blast.  John Baldacci of Maine brought some great onion dip and Brad Henry of Oklahoma told his famous off-color joke about “flied lice.”

Oh, and nobody made fools of themselves by exchanging Senate seats for rough sex like two bad apples did last year.