THE EARMARK

America is down in the dumps. More than ever, we need a good laugh, and yet where is the comedy?  TV is showing repeats, Al Franken is trying to be serious, and Joe Biden has been put in cold storage until campaign season.

Fellow Americans, the time to act is now.  Is there anybody out there willing to lay down his dignity, his personal reputation, and his grip on reality to make us hoot like jackals until we hyperventilate?

Thankfully a martyr has stepped forward for the sake of comedy, and to him we offer our gratitude.  That said, we had no idea said martyr would be a United States Senator…

Illinois Sen. Roland Burris announced last month that he would not run to retain his Senate seat next year, but in his first television interview since making that decision, Burris told ABC News he could change his mind.

“You never say never,” Burris told ABC News… “What I’m still hearing,” Burris said, is “people from all over the country and they are saying, ‘Don’t give up that seat.’”

Now if you read our earlier report that Burris had withdrawn from the race to raise bail money for Rod Blagojevich, we stand fully prepared to issue a retraction right here.  And we’ll do so with utter glee.

See, while we hate to get a story wrong, how could we pass up a chance to cover a 2010 Senate campaign where an incumbent polling 5% among Democrats and 0.6% among independents runs because he thinks it’s the people’s mandate.  Can Burris be serious?  Even Patti Blagojevich polled higher on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!

We also can’t wait to see who Burris drags up to introduce him at rallies, given that everyone from Gov. Pat Quinn to Sen. Dick Durbin to the Daleys, has told him to resign.  Maybe the late John Wayne Gacy will do the honors, given that he’s the only remaining Illinois Democrat that hasn’t issued a statement condemning Burris.

Now Burris could try to bring in a heavy hitter from the national party to drum up excitement.  We understand that John Edwards has an open schedule.  So does Mike Gravel. But even those guys are going to be pretty tough to rope in when your entire campaign budget is $845.

Ah, comedy.

It’s a ridiculous allegation, right? But throw in a little bit of transitive logic and it makes perfect sense.  First consider the news story…

Eight days after admitting to an extramarital affair, Sen. John Ensign gave $5,000 to the Tennessee gubernatorial campaign of Rep. Zach Wamp – a fellow Republican who lives with Ensign in a Christian group house on Capitol Hill’s C Street.

Now for those unfamiliar with Christian group house etiquette, understand that the last time Ensign doled out multi-thousand dollar payments, it was to a lady he had illicitly balled during a long-term affair.  (Okay technically his parents doled out the cash, but the senator is embarrassed enough as it is, okay?)

Now consider our logic…

Ensign cuts multi-thousand dollar checks to those he porks during affairs  +  He just gave Rep. Wamp 5000 big ones  –>  Ensign was having an affair with Wamp.

If you’re still skeptical, consider the behavior of two previous tenants of the home…

Two other former housemates, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford (R) and former Rep. Chip Pickering (R-Miss.), both have also been implicated in extramarital affairs since the Ensign scandal broke last month.

In other words, if everyone in the house is having affairs and making cash payments and whatnot, why not just simplify things and start making those transactions among one another?

In conclusion, we fear that Christian group houses on Capitol Hill might not be achieving their intended effect.  Perhaps the congressmen should adjust their standards to those of a rival group house inhabited by Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Dick Durbin (D-IL), George Miller (D-CA) and Bill Delahunt (D-MA).  Their rules are simple: Restock the cereal, kill any stray rodents, and pile on Schumer until he makes his bed.

Oh, and if you feel the sudden urge to parcel out cash payments or conduct affairs, definitely wait until the New York Times reporter leaves the house.