THE EARMARK

It’s a ridiculous allegation, right? But throw in a little bit of transitive logic and it makes perfect sense.  First consider the news story…

Eight days after admitting to an extramarital affair, Sen. John Ensign gave $5,000 to the Tennessee gubernatorial campaign of Rep. Zach Wamp – a fellow Republican who lives with Ensign in a Christian group house on Capitol Hill’s C Street.

Now for those unfamiliar with Christian group house etiquette, understand that the last time Ensign doled out multi-thousand dollar payments, it was to a lady he had illicitly balled during a long-term affair.  (Okay technically his parents doled out the cash, but the senator is embarrassed enough as it is, okay?)

Now consider our logic…

Ensign cuts multi-thousand dollar checks to those he porks during affairs  +  He just gave Rep. Wamp 5000 big ones  –>  Ensign was having an affair with Wamp.

If you’re still skeptical, consider the behavior of two previous tenants of the home…

Two other former housemates, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford (R) and former Rep. Chip Pickering (R-Miss.), both have also been implicated in extramarital affairs since the Ensign scandal broke last month.

In other words, if everyone in the house is having affairs and making cash payments and whatnot, why not just simplify things and start making those transactions among one another?

In conclusion, we fear that Christian group houses on Capitol Hill might not be achieving their intended effect.  Perhaps the congressmen should adjust their standards to those of a rival group house inhabited by Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Dick Durbin (D-IL), George Miller (D-CA) and Bill Delahunt (D-MA).  Their rules are simple: Restock the cereal, kill any stray rodents, and pile on Schumer until he makes his bed.

Oh, and if you feel the sudden urge to parcel out cash payments or conduct affairs, definitely wait until the New York Times reporter leaves the house.