THE EARMARK

And before the Latina-loving governor gets his hopes up, may we remind him that headline does not say Colombia.

No, we’re talking Columbia, South Carolina where the hubristic conservative remains governor, despite a multi-week ordeal wherein he lied to his staff about an Appalachian Trail trek, hightailed it to Argentina to boink a TV reporter, and then came back to South Carolina to cry, suggest he could have been King of the Jews, and work on his Bill Clinton impersonation.

But now he’s going to have to do it without his wife and children.  Because they’re abandoning Sanford in his governor’s mansion…

Jenny Sanford, the wife of Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, will move from the governor’s mansion in Columbia to Charleston with the couple’s four sons, she announced on Friday, signaling that she intends to keep her distance from her husband.

While the news is obviously a setback for the governor, we’re confident that he could fill the vacancies in his mansion without too much trouble.  Topping the list of likely guests…

Maria Belén Chapur- This would be the aforementioned reporter at the heart of the Sanford affair.  Helping her cause for admittance is that she’s Sanford’s proclaimed soul mate.  (Sorry, Bill Maher.)

His Old Roomies From the Capitol Hill Christian Group House- Nothing could be more Christian than welcoming a stranger into your home, only in the case of Sanford’s old roommates John Ensign (R-NV) and Chip Pickering (R-MS), you’ll have to replace the word “stranger” with “fellow self-righteous blowhard who also cheated on his wife.”  Oh, and Rep. Zach Wamp (R-TN) will tag along, too — although mostly just for the free cash.

700,000,000 Dollar Bills- That would be the stimulus money that Sanford refuses to spend after being knocked off his soapbox and being forced to accept money for roads, schools and hospitals.  The governor could use a cuddling partner right about now, and George Washington seems as worthy as anyone.

Fellow Philandering Governor Jim Gibbons (R-NV)- Gibbons is the Ying to Sanford’s Yang, as evidenced by the two men’s post-affair trajectories.  While Sanford was abandoned in his mansion as his wife headed home, out in Nevada, it was Gibbons who got kicked out of the mansion while his wife stayed!  Now Gibbons would have probably prefered some classier accomodations than downtown Columbia.  For instance, crashing with some fashionable gay friends in midtown Manhattan would be much more appealing — but hey, we can’t all be Rudy Giuliani.

Bam whack!

I’m sorry, did someone ask for an elder statesman to show up get some shit done?  Because that’s exactly what just happened.

Former President Bill Clinton left North Korea early Wednesday, the state news agency reported, after securing a pardon for two jailed American journalists from the reclusive North Korean president, Kim Jong-il. It was not immediately known whether the journalists were allowed to leave as well.

The official Korean Central News Agency issued a brief dispatch, news agencies reported, saying that Mr. Clinton and his party had left by plane.

Next time you’ve got a problem with a megalomaniacal dictator holding innocent American women hostage, there’s only two guys you need to call: Bill and Clinton.  That’s right.  Sometimes it takes someone with a little more seasoning to do the heavy lifting around here.

So for all you young bucks out there who think you’re pretty hot just because you happen to currently be the president, just remember that old Bubba’s got your back when the going gets tough.  Just pick up the phone, honey.

Alright, international diplomatic crisis averted.  What’s up next for #42 to take care of?

What’s that?  Health care overhaul?

Aw, crap.

.

Disgraced South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, apparently eager to hold on to his favorite monikers, rambling and incoherent, gave a rambling and incoherent interview to the Associated Press today.  In it, he revealed that:

- Maria Belen Chapur, his Argentinian mistress, is his “soul mate.”

- In addition to his affair with Chapur, he had repeated sexual encounters with other women outside his marriage.

- But he never went all the way.

It seems that Sanford is embracing the logic of his old foe, President Bill Clinton.  Clinton, of course, was the one who came up with the brilliant legal theory that fondling a woman’s breasts and genitals and then penetrating her with a cigar does not constitute “sexual relations.”  Now Sanford seems to be on board, saying that it’s really not so bad as long as it’s not intercourse, which after all he did with only one woman who was not his wife:

Sanford, at times crying and unabashedly emotional, acknowledged in the AP interview that he had casual encounters with other women while he was married but before he met Chapur. They took place during trips outside the country to ”blow off steam” with male friends.

”What I would say is that I’ve never had sex with another woman. Have I done stupid? I have. You know you meet someone. You dance with them. You go to a place where you probably shouldn’t have gone,” Sanford said, declining to discuss details. But he said those encounters were nothing like his relationship with Chapur.

”If you’re a married guy at the end of the day you shouldn’t be dancing with somebody else. So anyway, without wandering into that field we’ll just say that I let my guard down in all senses of the word without ever crossing the line that I crossed with this situation.”

OK, Governor.  So it’s not cheating on your wife (or, for that matter, on your mistress) when you, for example, get a blowjob in a Bangkok alley.  We’re sure that logic will be more than sufficient for both of your significant others, as well as for the media and the people of South Carolina.

Now you owe Bill Clinton a cigar.