THE EARMARK

In the most exciting development in academia since Alberto Gonzales became the Bobby Knight of junior level poli-sci courses, disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has agreed to teach a class at the City University of New York.

Although students will be drawn to the course by Spitzer’s personal charisma and tell-all tales of Robert Morganthau, the true learning will come from Spitzer’s hand-selected reading list.  And what’s on that list?  The course hasn’t yet begun, but here’s what we’ve learned so far:

DEFINITELY ON THE LIST

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk - “Pugilistic” is the second-most common adjective associated with Spitzer, right after “bludgeoning.”

Lost Soldiers by Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA) - Spitzer’s students will be tested on their knowledge of “romping atop Simolzak’s huge frame,” and Webb’s book is the ultimate authority.

Those Who Trespass by Bill O’Reilly - Spitzer wants his class to learn that not every sex scandal involves pushing hookers to their brink, as his did.  New York’s own O’Reilly proved they could also involve tales of cunnilingus-obsessed, homicidal TV hosts and falafels.

Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex (DVD) - Spitzer owes everything to his mentor, and assigning her groundbreaking DVD to his class is just a small bit of payback.

O’er the Ramparts: Presidential Leadership for 2016 by Eliot Spitzer - Spitzer had 500,000 of these printed up in 2006 and he’s got to do something with them.

DEFINITELY NOT ON THE LIST

The Manhattan Madam: Sex, Drugs Scandal and Greed Inside America’s Most Successful Prostitution Ring by Kristin Davis - Davis’ tell-all memoir incorrectly states Spitzer’s preferred color of ball gag.

Eliot Spitzer - #1 Gringo! by Christopher Jansen - Ever the gentleman, Spitzer insists that globe-trotting former New York Sen. Hillary Clinton is in fact the #1 Gringo.

Former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was arguably the most disgraced member of the George W. Bush White House.  As Bush’s personal lackey dating back to Texas days, Gonzales worked odd jobs around the West Wing until John Ashcroft was Raptured, clearing the way for him to become the nation’s top law enforcer.  There, as the head of the Department of Justice, he attempted to show how much he understood the nation’s lawbreakers, by promoting unwarranted wiretapping, torture, and the illegal firing of U.S. Attorneys.  He capped it off by perjuring himself in front of Congress.

After bowing to loud resignation calls that came even from Republican leaders, in 2007 Gonzales rode off into the sunset of private law practice, where he found that no one - no one - would hire him.  But nearly two years later, the former AG has finally found an employer: Texas Tech University, which has hired him to teach a “junior-level course” in the Political Science department.

You may remember Texas Tech from another career that ended in disgrace: basketball coach Bobby Knight!  After choking one too many students, Knight was fired from Indiana University, where he had coached for 30 seasons.  He was happily picked up by Texas Tech, which didn’t seem to mind the coach’s colorful vocabulary and penchant for throwing chairs at referees.

It’s anyone’s guess who will be the next to join Gonzales and Knight in Lubbock.  May we humbly suggest Mark Sanford to chair the Religious Studies department and Mark Foley to teach Adolescent Psychology?