THE EARMARK

The Earmark bids a fond farewell to Doris “Granny D” Haddock, a true patriot if there ever was one.  She died yesterday at age 100 in her New Hampshire home.

D was a hero to us in many ways.  She first gained national fame in 1999, when she walked across the country to promote campaign finance reform, despite the protestations of a sobbing John Roberts.  Her courageous efforts led directly (we’re pretty sure) to the passage of the McCain-Feingold bill in 2002, which in turn led to the possibility of a largely unknown African-American man being elected president.  So in other words, Granny D was responsible for fishing being banned nationwide.

But we remember D even more fondly for her bold run for the U.S. Senate at age 94.  She managed to win the Democratic nomination for the seat, largely due to her shrewd campaign tactic of baking pies for each of New Hampshire’s six Democrats.  In the general election, she won an impressive 34% of the vote from incumbent Republican Judd Gregg, who was so infuriated that he hired men to kidnap his wife.

Sadly, though, Granny D never became Senator D.  She lived for many more years, however, long enough to become a Hollywood legend and outlive her childhood nemesis, New Hampshire’s Old Man of the Mountain.

Goodbye, Granny D.  We miss you.

California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina has one major selling point for anyone who stays awake throughout her campaign rallies: She was CEO of Hewlett-Packard 5 years ago.

And there’s plenty of proof for that claim.  Just go find a back-issue of Portfolio magazine— specifically the one listing the 20 worst CEOs of all time— and you’ll see Fiorina prominently profiled.

Or you can ask…

• HP shareholders whose share values tanked under Fiorina.
• Compaq employees that got hosed in Fiorina’s failed merger.
• The board of directors that fired Fiorina in the wake of her hefty personal bonuses and middling performance.

They all remember her.

But maybe you should just ask Arianna Packard, granddaughter of the company founder, who can definitely attest that Fiorina worked for HP.  In the sense that she nearly destroyed the entire operation…

“I know a little bit about Carly Fiorina, having watched her almost destroy the company my grandfather founded. So, allow me to disillusion you of a few of your stated reasons for supporting her,” Packard wrote.

“Most business commentators consider Fiorina’s tenure at HP to be a disaster,” Packard continued. “The stock price dropped by 50% only to rally 10% on the announcement of her firing. She fired 28,000 people before she herself was fired, departing with the 21 million dollar golden parachute that is financing her campaign.”

So if Fiorina’s tenure at Hewlett-Packard was a disaster and got her unceremoniously fired, why on Earth is she going around touting her time there as her top qualification to be a United States senator?

We’re not sure, but it might have something to do with the fact that her #2 qualification is getting unceremoniously fired by the McCain campaign in 2008.

For those of you who keep letting unwatched CSPAN-2 broadcasts pile up in your DVR, we’ll now fill you in on the past week of Senate proceedings:

• Thursday: Irascible Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) stages a one-man legislative blockade, thus eliminating 400,00 people’s unemployment benefits, choking off COBRA payments, halting hundreds of federal transportation projects, cutting doctors’ Medicare payments by 21%, and furloughing 2,000 federal employees.
• Friday: Bunning tells furloughed workers “tough shit” and then names the true casualty of his blockade: His having to miss a basketball game on TV.
• Monday: Pressed by reporters, Bunning gives them the finger and gets territorial about an elevator.
• Meanwhile, the GOP’s national image takes a hit, and their “party of no” reputation is reinforced.
• Tuesday: Satisfied, Bunning drops his objection.

The way we see it, this was never about jobs.  Rather, Bunning’s main objective all along was to make the GOP squirm.

That’s because the Kentucky reactionary blames Mitch McConnell and other GOP leaders for forcing him from his 2010 reelection campaign.  (Although some would say his horrible poll numbers and advanced dementia also contributed.)  And since suing the Republican Party wasn’t viable revenge for Bunning, trashing our fragile economy was the next best option.

Now McConnell and company must absorb notoriety for Bunning’s mess while trying to mount a powerful comeback in the November election.  And that’s just fine by Bunning, who has nothing left to do but relax and count the days until he leaves the Senate for greener pastures…

Specifically Green Pastures Nursing Home.

The wait is finally over.

For those of you rapt with suspense in the hours, minutes and seconds that have elapsed since Scott Brown’s swearing in, we have good news: The Senator’s memoir will be here faster than a disemboweled health care bill!  According to Politico…

Sen. Scott Brown (R-Mass.), the party’s hottest elected official, has decided to write a book that combines memoir and inspiration.

Now some will say that after only a week on the job (half of which was canceled by snow), Brown couldn’t possibly have enough Senatorial insight to merit a memoir.  But think of it this way: Thanks to his 72 hours on Capitol Hill, Brown already has more legislative experience than literary heavyweights Elizabeth Edwards, Andrew Young, Jenny Sanford, and Joe the Plumber– combined!  How could he not write a book?

As of press time, Brown’s is the only memoir to emerge from last month’s Massachusetts special election for Senate.  We’re told former Brown challenger Martha Coakley ruled out writing a one of her own, citing her internal polls that say the public undoubtedly knows everything about her and wouldn’t even need to read it.

As for Brown’s own tome, no official preview has emerged.  Nevertheless, we’re pretty sure the memoir will include…

- Snow accumulation totals since Brown was sworn in.

- What it’s like to ride in an elevator with Sen. Mike Crapo (R-ID).

- The words Wrentham, Massachusetts.

- Something about a pickup truck.

- Tell-all tales of Simon Cowell (via Brown’s daughter).

- Nude photos of the Senator.

And if those aren’t enticing enough, then just buy this book out of societal pressure.  Because although he has yet to vote on any legislation– or even understand any for that matter– Scott Brown has already made his permanent mark in Washington.

At least until the snow melts.

The consequences of Ted Kennedy’s death have hit far and wide, from healthcare reform to civil rights to the Washington drinking scene.  But nothing may suffer a more  dire fate than Massachusetts’ blissful lack of moronic ex-jocks running for office.

With Kennedy gone, his unfilled Senate seat has opened the bullpen gates for ex-Red Sox blowhard Curt Schilling to run for office and presumably start comparing trade deficits to ERA…

A day after writing on his blog that he has “some interest” in running for the seat held for nearly 50 years by Democratic Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, Curt Schilling did not back off — and sounded even more determined in considering the opportunity…

A registered independent and longtime Republican supporter, Schilling wrote on his blog that while his family and video game company, 38 Studios, are high priorities, “I do have some interest in the possibility.”

What adds intrigue to the story is that Schilling, by seeking Kennedy’s Massachusetts seat, would actually replace retiring Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY), in order to fulfill the Senate’s quota for old, white, conservative ex-jocks whose primary foreign policy experience was pitching a few games in Canada.  (Or in Bunning’s day, the Dakota Territory.)

Schilling’s resume contains appropriate similarities to Bunning’s — for instance, his heroic World Series victory on a bum ankle rivals Bunning getting attacked by little green doctors.  Still, we won’t be true believers until Schilling predicts a Supreme Court justice’s death, attempts to sue the Republican Party, and loses all of the computer/social media comprehension he currently possesses.

Meanwhile, by this same logic, Bunning’s successor must fill the Ted Kennedy void.  Given that the criteria requires the candidate to be dashing, proudly liberal, ready to party — and, very important, willing to spend a lot of time in Kentucky — it appears the list starts and ends with George Clooney.

Alec Baldwin is not a Republican, but he plays one on TV.  His character Jack Donaghy is an institution on NBC’s 30 Rock, defined by his business prowess and his lust for Greta van Susteren.  And while Baldwin’s real life political views are more of the scream-at-women-in-fur-coats variety, he’s so convincing on TV that even conservatives like Matt Drudge are trying to get into his pants.

Now FCC regulations indicate that an article about contrived political beliefs cannot go beyond a paragraph without mentioning Joe Lieberman, the “Independent Democrat” from Connecticut.  Although he currently caucuses with the Senate Democrats, Lieberman is perhaps best known for his full-throated endorsement of Republican John McCain in the 2008 presidential election.  This followed Lieberman’s own failed run for the Oval Office in 2004, running simultaneously on the Democratic and Anti-Masonic tickets, and his defeat in the 2006 Connecticut Democratic primary to Ned Lamont, whose only qualification for the job of US Senator was having an active Moveon.org account.

So you can probably see where we’re going with this…

Baldwin, a proud Nutmegger (that’s New England slang for a person who technically lives in New York) has been making noise about challenging for Lieberman in 2012.  Declaring that he “had no use for” the turncoat lawmaker, Baldwin suggested that he’d consider a jowl-rattling campaign to return Lieberman’s seat to Democratic hands.  Lieberman replied by imitating Baldwin’s Hollywood buddy Clint Eastwood, but unfortunately the fun ends there.

You see once it dawned on Baldwin that running for Lieberman’s seat would require him to move out of New York and actually live in Connecticut, he began getting cold feet.  So as of press time, he’s out, but not before one final dig at old Joe, calling him a “moderate Republican.”

But Baldwin backed out too hastily.  He might believe that serving as Senator from Connecticut would require you to live in the state, but he couldn’t be more wrong.  As it turns out, the Nutmeg State is currently represented by Iowa resident Chris Dodd and New Hampshire’s own … (drumroll)

Joe Lieberman.

Senatorial bad boy Jim Webb (D-VA) touched down this morning in Myanmar (nèe Burma) to lay down the law with the nation’s oppressive military regime.

Webb is just the man for the job.  As a  highly decorated former Marine Corpsman and a much-feared Ultimate Fighting champion, the senior senator from Virginia has guts, stamina, and the killer instinct needed to deal with the leader of Myanmar’s junta, Senior General Than Shwe.  After all, this is a man who already took on and conquered a much more formidable foe: the vicious, noose-swinging Confederate reenactor Sen. George Allen.

Webb had this to say in a press conference last night:

She romped on top of Simolzak’s huge frame, straddling him with her hands on his chest, her back arched and her breasts flailing wildly in the air. Her back was to him and her long hair swung from side to side as if accentuating the abandonment of her screams.

Whoops, wrong quote. That one was from Webb’s recent novel, Lost Soldiers.  He actually said something regarding Myanmar.  The details are irrelevant.  What really matters is that this is an epic matchup.

In one corner: Than Shwe, the Asian sensation that’s oppressing a nation.  In the other corner: Jim Webb, the Ayatollah of Annapolis.  At stake: the fair hand of Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, Burmese democracy leader.  The rules: none.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) is a deeply unpopular man right now.  How unpopular?  Well, in a recent poll that had Reid hypothetically matched up with Osama bin Laden, Nevada voters wanted to know bin Laden’s running mate before committing to a candidate.

Okay, so maybe that poll doesn’t actually exist.  Yet.  But the point is that Reid couldn’t beat a drum right now.  So the stage is ripe for an upstart challenger to move in and snatch his Senate seat from right under his jowls.

Apparently that upstart challenger won’t be U.S. Rep. Dean Heller, arguably the most popular Republican in Nevada.  You see, Heller sat back and thought about the prospect of approving Cabinet members, grilling Supreme Court nominees, and joining the most powerful governing body on the planet, and then leaped to the logical conclusion: That’s all well and good, but what about high school sports?

Rep. Dean Heller, R-Nev., has decided not to challenge Sen. Harry Reid in 2010 and will run for re-election in Congressional District 2…

He said a key factor is that his daughter enters high school this fall.

“If I run now, I’m a member of Congress and spend the next year and a half running for Senate,” he said. “I don’t want to miss her first two years in high school.”

Okay, so we’re a little confused. Rep. Heller.  You’re saying it’s nonviable to spend time at your daughter’s high school when you’re a Senate candidate, but that’s totally kosher when you’re actually in government as a United States Representative in a time of war and economic turmoil?

Well you’re damn straight it is!  Our source for such a claim? Why, Rep. Dean Heller (R-NV), as evidenced in this priceless quote:

“Nothing compensates for the time I’m not at home,” Heller said, noting that he missed every one of his daughter Emmy’s track meets this season.

“Next year, I’ll miss votes just to go to her track meets,” he told the students. “It’s that important.”

Wait, it is?  The 400 meter hurdles are more important than passing a national budget?  The javelin more important than military appropriations?  And yet, by Heller’s logic, campaigning for Senate would supersede both sets of duties.  “Forget Emmy’s broad jump, forget the declaration of war back in Congress… I’ve got to scarf down waffles with resentful voters in suburban Reno!”

Well, give Heller this much: Family is at the top of his list. By setting aside a campaign for them, Heller will impress the voting public who, it turns out, actually hate it when congressmen try to talk to them.

The decision also shore up Heller’s support within his own family, on which he still relies for guidance, pleasure and– most important of all– haircuts.

Guess Harry Reid’s going to have to find someone a little less principled to lose to.