THE EARMARK

Alec Baldwin is not a Republican, but he plays one on TV.  His character Jack Donaghy is an institution on NBC’s 30 Rock, defined by his business prowess and his lust for Greta van Susteren.  And while Baldwin’s real life political views are more of the scream-at-women-in-fur-coats variety, he’s so convincing on TV that even conservatives like Matt Drudge are trying to get into his pants.

Now FCC regulations indicate that an article about contrived political beliefs cannot go beyond a paragraph without mentioning Joe Lieberman, the “Independent Democrat” from Connecticut.  Although he currently caucuses with the Senate Democrats, Lieberman is perhaps best known for his full-throated endorsement of Republican John McCain in the 2008 presidential election.  This followed Lieberman’s own failed run for the Oval Office in 2004, running simultaneously on the Democratic and Anti-Masonic tickets, and his defeat in the 2006 Connecticut Democratic primary to Ned Lamont, whose only qualification for the job of US Senator was having an active Moveon.org account.

So you can probably see where we’re going with this…

Baldwin, a proud Nutmegger (that’s New England slang for a person who technically lives in New York) has been making noise about challenging for Lieberman in 2012.  Declaring that he “had no use for” the turncoat lawmaker, Baldwin suggested that he’d consider a jowl-rattling campaign to return Lieberman’s seat to Democratic hands.  Lieberman replied by imitating Baldwin’s Hollywood buddy Clint Eastwood, but unfortunately the fun ends there.

You see once it dawned on Baldwin that running for Lieberman’s seat would require him to move out of New York and actually live in Connecticut, he began getting cold feet.  So as of press time, he’s out, but not before one final dig at old Joe, calling him a “moderate Republican.”

But Baldwin backed out too hastily.  He might believe that serving as Senator from Connecticut would require you to live in the state, but he couldn’t be more wrong.  As it turns out, the Nutmeg State is currently represented by Iowa resident Chris Dodd and New Hampshire’s own … (drumroll)

Joe Lieberman.

A week ago today, Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-TX) announced her plans to resign from the Senate in order to challenge Texas Governor Rick Perry in next year’s Republican primary.

The interesting twist in the story is that under Texas law, Perry gets to fill any vacancies in the state’s Senate delegation.  So, it’s up to him to name Hutchinson’s successor.  Speculation is rife about who he may appoint to fill his rival’s seat.  Here are some of the options:

Potential Appointee	Pros	Cons
Texas Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst	By appointing a devoted loyalist, Perry will be able to spread his influence in the Texas Republican party.	Dewhurst’s refusal to wear a bolo tie makes him suspicious in the eyes of Texas voters.
Hard rocker and proud Texan Ted Nugent	Washington is dangerously lacking in AK-47-wielding maniacs who demand that non-English speakers “get the fuck out of America.”	The National Zoo may have some objections.
Former President and Texas Governor George W. Bush	Forcing Bush to return to Washington would be a hilarious practical joke.	Persistent “birther” conspiracy theory insists Bush was born in Connecticut, not Texas.
Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson	Renominating Hutchinson would be a brilliant masterstroke that would ensure Perry’s reelection as governor.	Many political observers believe Hutchinson lacks the competence to serve in the Senate.

Boy, it’s tough to be former U.S. Representative William Jefferson (D-LA) these days.  First of all, the guy has federal agents rooting around in his freezer, screwing up his color-coded Swanson’s Dinner collection.  Then, he loses his Congressional seat to some 41-year-old Republican named Anh Cao.  And then to literally add insult to injury, irresponsible bloggers accuse him of looting a Rite-Aid in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina!

Well, today things got even worse.  Because now Jefferson is headed to prison for the crime of falling victim to a Nigerian “phishing” scam.

Former U.S. Rep. William Jefferson of Louisiana was convicted Wednesday on 11 of the 16 corruption charges against him.

Jefferson, a 62-year-old Democrat, was indicted by a federal grand jury on June 4, 2007, on corruption charges, about two years after federal agents said they found $90,000 in his freezer. Authorities said the cash was part of a payment in marked bills from an FBI informant in a transaction captured on video.

Jefferson was accused of using his congressional clout between 2001 and 2005 to solicit and receive hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes for himself and his family in exchange for promoting products and services in Africa, especially Nigeria, and elsewhere.

Now, this is something that could happen to anyone.  You’re going through your inbox, see an unusual message from a gentleman with an exotic name, and the next thing you know you’re swept up in the African blood-diamond trade!

Now sure, Jefferson was naive for falling for those Nigerian email scammers, but should the guy really go to jail simply for trying to make $8.5 MILLION dollars american IN CASH to support his family?

The maximum sentence for Jefferson is 235 years in prison, which if awarded will certainly serve as a warning to other Congressmen who may be tempted by unsolicited emails from African royalty: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Former Senator Larry Craig (R-Toto) is not a guy we thought we’d be hearing about much more.  After his exit from Washington in January, we assumed that he would head home, strike a wide stance, and shove hot dogs into hollowed-out potatoes for the rest of his golden years.

But as it turns out, Craig isn’t the type of guy to take a forced retirement lying down.  He’s decided to capitalize on his deep DC experience - after all, the man spent 28 years getting his hands dirty inside the Beltway.  Who else knows as much as him about lubricating the wheels of power and penetrating the innermost circles of Congress?

So, according to the Idaho Statesman, he’s opening a consulting firm.

Said Craig: “I’ve really worked through every problem imaginable in Washington.”

The firm, called New West Strategies LLC, has offices in DC and Idaho, and sports a delightful website that includes a phone number (202-333-5990) that we desperately want to crank call.

The question, of course, is what exactly will this firm consult on?  The website suggests that their focus will be on the environment (namely, fighting on behalf of businesses in their quest to destroy it).  But we’re pretty sure that they’ll happily consult on just about any issue you can think of, except one … something that he cannot possibly touch …

US Air Force appropriations.  Why, what were you thinking about?

Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin… you’ve been put on notice.  If any of you have designs on derailing Sarah Palin’s march from Matanuska-Susitna College to world domination, think again.  You certainly wouldn’t want Sarah Barracuda to eviscerate you to the level she has a certain inarticulate high school dropout teenager from rural Alaska, now would you?

Just when you thought the plot couldn’t possibly thicken more in the Days of Our Lives in Alaska, it has. Outgoing Gov. Sarah Palin is now fighting back against claims made by her daughter’s ex-boyfriend that she bailed out on Alaska in order to cash in on her fame.

Asked if Levi Johnston’s accusation bore any truth, Palin spokeswoman Meghan Stapleton said in an e-mail to The Sleuth, “Absolutely not. She is taking a leap of faith that all will be well personally. This is about what is best for Alaska and not what is best for her personally…

“It is interesting to learn Levi is working on a piece of fiction while honing his acting skills,” Stapleton added in her e-mail.

The crippling assault by Palin’s goon squad proves how intent the governor is on dismantling anyone who threatens her designs on the White House in 2012.

If a GOP foe like Romney accuses her of cashing in on her fame, she’ll get her dad to tell him off.

If President Obama insinuates that she knowingly permitted Bristol to have premarital sex in her own home, she’ll launch a Scientology-inspired PR campaign to discredit him.

And if Vladimir Putin goes on the Tyra Banks Show to say Palin’s fame “definitely got to her head” and that she “quit on Alaska,” she’ll just have to… well… quit her job three-quarters of the way into her term and devote her life to a full-time assault on her critics.  Boo-ya!

So whether you’re a presidential candidate, the leader of the free world, or a neo-Soviet autocrat, get out of Sarah Palin’s way.  Because while she might not have national experience, party respect, or even a job, she sure has taken apart that barely-literate teenage dropout.  Barracuda!

Here’s a shocker for you!  Sen. Roland Burris (D-IL) is exiting the 2010 race for his Senate seat.  This is truly an earth-shattering decision, as Burris was certain to win the election based on the factors overwhelmingly in his favor:

1. A possibly illegal appointment by an incredibly corrupt governor who appeared to be wearing a wet cat on his head.
2. A formidable campaign war chest of $845.
3. An impressive 5% standing in the polls.
4. An unbelievably pathetic campaign website.

And yet, he is stepping aside to allow a new man or woman to continue his important work of avoiding constituents and eating lunch.

Burris’ selflessness brings to mind the ancient Roman emperor Cincinnatus, who was called upon to serve his nation in a time of crisis, which he did nobly, and then humbly stepped down after his duty was completed.

The only difference is that Cincinnatus returned to his family farm when his work was done, whereas Burris will undoubtably be headed to Costa Rica to join Patti Blagojevich on the set of I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!

Former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was arguably the most disgraced member of the George W. Bush White House.  As Bush’s personal lackey dating back to Texas days, Gonzales worked odd jobs around the West Wing until John Ashcroft was Raptured, clearing the way for him to become the nation’s top law enforcer.  There, as the head of the Department of Justice, he attempted to show how much he understood the nation’s lawbreakers, by promoting unwarranted wiretapping, torture, and the illegal firing of U.S. Attorneys.  He capped it off by perjuring himself in front of Congress.

After bowing to loud resignation calls that came even from Republican leaders, in 2007 Gonzales rode off into the sunset of private law practice, where he found that no one - no one - would hire him.  But nearly two years later, the former AG has finally found an employer: Texas Tech University, which has hired him to teach a “junior-level course” in the Political Science department.

You may remember Texas Tech from another career that ended in disgrace: basketball coach Bobby Knight!  After choking one too many students, Knight was fired from Indiana University, where he had coached for 30 seasons.  He was happily picked up by Texas Tech, which didn’t seem to mind the coach’s colorful vocabulary and penchant for throwing chairs at referees.

It’s anyone’s guess who will be the next to join Gonzales and Knight in Lubbock.  May we humbly suggest Mark Sanford to chair the Religious Studies department and Mark Foley to teach Adolescent Psychology?

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Disgraced South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, apparently eager to hold on to his favorite monikers, rambling and incoherent, gave a rambling and incoherent interview to the Associated Press today.  In it, he revealed that:

- Maria Belen Chapur, his Argentinian mistress, is his “soul mate.”

- In addition to his affair with Chapur, he had repeated sexual encounters with other women outside his marriage.

- But he never went all the way.

It seems that Sanford is embracing the logic of his old foe, President Bill Clinton.  Clinton, of course, was the one who came up with the brilliant legal theory that fondling a woman’s breasts and genitals and then penetrating her with a cigar does not constitute “sexual relations.”  Now Sanford seems to be on board, saying that it’s really not so bad as long as it’s not intercourse, which after all he did with only one woman who was not his wife:

Sanford, at times crying and unabashedly emotional, acknowledged in the AP interview that he had casual encounters with other women while he was married but before he met Chapur. They took place during trips outside the country to ”blow off steam” with male friends.

”What I would say is that I’ve never had sex with another woman. Have I done stupid? I have. You know you meet someone. You dance with them. You go to a place where you probably shouldn’t have gone,” Sanford said, declining to discuss details. But he said those encounters were nothing like his relationship with Chapur.

”If you’re a married guy at the end of the day you shouldn’t be dancing with somebody else. So anyway, without wandering into that field we’ll just say that I let my guard down in all senses of the word without ever crossing the line that I crossed with this situation.”

OK, Governor.  So it’s not cheating on your wife (or, for that matter, on your mistress) when you, for example, get a blowjob in a Bangkok alley.  We’re sure that logic will be more than sufficient for both of your significant others, as well as for the media and the people of South Carolina.

Now you owe Bill Clinton a cigar.