THE EARMARK

Disgraced Representative Eric Massa (D-NY) only has a few hours left in his House term, which means he’d better hustle if he hopes to alienate all of Congress by day’s end.

Fortunately, Massa is off to a good start upon explaining that a male aide’s sexual harassment allegation was set up by the Democrats because Massa wanted to oppose the health care bill…

“Mine is now the deciding vote on the health care bill and this administration and this House leadership have said, quote-unquote, they will stop at nothing to pass this health care bill, and now they’ve gotten rid of me and it will pass. You connect the dots.”

Massa began the dot-connecting process for us all when he attempted to explain his sexual harassment to a local New York radio station.  His primary points are:

• The main harassment took place when everyone was drunk.
• His wife was there, but only she wasn’t, because she, um, had… the stomach flu.  Yeah…
• First he sexually harassed some women, so remember that before you call him gay.
• The whole thing is actually Steny Hoyer’s fault.
• He’s had cancer, alright?

Roll Call has the full summary of the interview, and if you bother to read the whole thing, let us know.  Particularly if, somewhere in it, Massa starts calling himself “salty” again.

Quickly, what do Carrot Top and U.S. Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) have in common?

That’s easy enough.  Both men…

• Perform in public using props.
• Have appeared on Comedy Central.
• Must have been beaten mercilessly by their childhood companions.

But that’s not all!  If Cantor has his way, they’ll also have this in common: Neither man will have any of his ideas included in Barack Obama’s health care bill…

House Minority Whip Eric Cantor released a statement today attacking President Obama for including four Republican ideas in his new health care proposal, which will be released tomorrow…

“If the President simply adds a couple of Republican solutions to a trillion dollar health care package that the American people don’t support, it isn’t bipartisanship - it’s political cover.”

The nerve of President Obama!  When Cantor and his fellow Republicans were imploring him to include Republican submissions in a health care resolution, they didn’t actually mean he was supposed to include Republican submissions in a health care resolution!  What about the prop comedy??

See while Cantor the legislator might want conservative ideas included in a new health bill, Cantor the prop comedian will suffer in a bipartisan Washington.  Will he still get to perform that “southern accent” he spends countless hours perfecting in the mirror?  What about a new routine based around his favorite punchline– “the Democrat party”?  And what’s he going to do with that giant stack of paper he likes to mug with for cameras?

And most importantly… how can a struggling comedian afford to buy health care in this climate?

For those of you out there who are not glued to Sarah Palin’s Facebook page (and we can’t imagine what else you’re doing with your time), you may have missed her discovery that Barack Obama intends to kill her infant child via the “Death Panel” established by his health care legislation.

Here at The Earmark, we oppose the establishment of an all-powerful federal cabal that has complete authority to vote on life or death decisions for ordinary Americans.  We prefer that the free market have that role.

But considering that we hear the Death Panel’s members are already assembling (Paula Abdul has already cleared her schedule), we’d like to forewarn you about its soon-to-be victims.

Death Panel Victim	Why The Panel Will Vote for Death	Why The Panel Will Vote for Life
Trig Palin	US Weekly has already offered his mother $300,000 for the first photos of his euthanized corpse.	John McCain’s advisers are privately pushing him as an Attorney General candidate.
Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY)	Severe dementia, Alzheimer’s, and Tourette’s Syndrome have destroyed Bunning’s quality of life and contributions to society.	You never know, the man may have one more perfect game left in him.
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney	Romney is Obama’s most formidable GOP rival for 2012. If the Death Panel knocks him off, that title will fall to the nation’s second-most viable Republican: Tom Tancredo.	Since Romney is a synthetic non-human super-predator, any attempts to kill him will hopelessly backfire.
Plumbers making over $250,000 a year	Under Obama’s socialist wealth-redistribution plan, these plumbers must be taxed at the levels they were under Reagan until they perish.	Many of them are needed for their cutting-edge journalism and authorship of bestselling books.

Health care reform?  Who needs it?  Certainly not House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), whose heart is beating harder than ever, thanks to dreamy “Young and the Restless” star Peter Bergman!

The hunky Bergman stars in Boehner’s new YouTube video about health care, which also features theme music from the daytime soap and de-contextualized clips of President Obama discussing policy.  Grrrowl!

A sample portion includes the President, discussing medical procedures, saying, “You know what? I’d make a lot more money if I take this kid’s tonsils out.”

Now we’re with you: A gratuitous tonsillectomy is obviously grounds for impeachment — and yet that soap underscore that Boehner inserted is so damn sexy, we’re just going to have to give Obama a pass.

Oh and one other problem: The quote — like all others in the ad — is taken completely out of context, since Obama was paraphrasing a doctor’s profit logic under the current system.  In other words, the president is advocating the exact opposite of the hypothetical doctor he’s quoting.

We at The Earmark are surprised that Boehner — a highly public figure in his own right — would want to cast the first stone in this game, since the same thing could come back to bite him personally.

For example, Democrats could cite the time that Boehner posted his own golf scores online when he was supposed to be in Washington leading a pro-oil sit-in.  Now we all know that Boehner was posting his scores to demonstrate what he didn’t want to see congressmen doing during a debate of national significance.  But take that golf story out of context and you’d think that Boehner was just a smug, detached Marie Antoinette type who went on to golf at several more Ohio country clubs in neglect of his Washington duties.

But we all know Boehner would never do that.  No sir!

By the way, if the Democrats did ever want to make such an ad, we think “The Bold and the Beautiful” would make for an incredibly sexy theme.

Health care reform is splitting Congress down the middle and America is paying the price.

On the left, you have Hollywood liberals like Blanche Lincoln and Jon Tester, who want to force hardworking Americans into Soviet communal hospitals where all diagnoses call for prescription marijuana and tofu breast implants.

On the right, you have family-first conservatives like David Vitter and John Ensign, who believe poor Americans’ only exposure to medication should be in rural meth labs.

But what about the so-called moderate Republicans (read: Republicans who do not take the Book of Revelations literally)?  Well by today’s standards, Chuck Grassley (R-IA) is one of these Republicans, having gotten an 11% rating from the NAACP and a 20% from the ACLU. (Jim DeMint, just for comparison, got a 7% from both.)

So maybe Grassley would be sympathetic to the health care plan being pushed by President Obama and Congressional Democrats?  Maybe?

Well the senator has weighed in with a response via his favorite medium — Twitter — and the answer is a resounding “no.”  At least we think so.  Which is to say, if you can make sense of this post, please let us know…

Misinformatio accuses me of supportin ObamaCare NOT TRUE I M at table making sure Govt takeovr doesn’t happen,protect patience,and taxpayers

Although nearly 50% of the words in Grassley’s “tweet” were technically English, it’s still hard to make sense of it all.  Fortunately we have this related “tweet” to clarify…

PTL BluDogs Keep barkin Pelosie bill is Govt takeovr of healthCare Breaks Obama promise”keep what u hv” Puts Wash Burocrats in chrg MUSTSTOP

Well, that certainly clears things up.  Not in the sense of Grassley’s health care stance, his openness to compromise, or even his ability to control spastic finger motions.  But it does confirm a theory that we’ve been harboring since a previous Grassley “tweet” on July 18…

He definitively cannot spell “Pelosi.”