THE EARMARK

A year ago, Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Congressional Country Club) rode back into her native Texas vowing to take the Governor’s office away from her nemesis and fellow Republican, incumbent Rick Perry.  After five terms in the Senate, she had much to prove to voters skeptical that she had gone soft while in Washington.  Well, hundreds of stock shows, chili cook-offs, and hog-slaughterings later, Hutchison’s hard work finally paid off yesterday.

With a massive defeat in the primary.

Having been embarrassed by an opponent whose main campaign tactic was to dispatch Ted Nugent to threaten to kill voters, Hutchison now has no choice but to fade away into retirement.  Because after all, she resigned her Senate seat in order to enter the governor’s race.

Oh wait, she didn’t! Turns out she accidentally forgot to resign back in November, conveniently leaving her with nearly three years left in her term. So she has the option to return to her beloved Washington, exchanging her bolo tie for a power suit and her Old El Paso salsa for an understated Bernaise.  Or she can do the right thing: fulfill her promise, bow out, and allow her successor to be appointed by … Governor Rick Perry.

Did somebody say Senator Nuge?

The first amendment to the U.S. Constitution says that government has no power to restrict freedom of speech, religion or the press.  The second amendment says that if a desperate raccoon chews its way into your house during a blizzard, you’re allowed to blow it to pieces with a $2000 gas-powered Desert Eagle handgun.

Representative Steve King  (R-IA) cashed in on that second freedom last week, as evidenced by this incredibly manly Twitter boast…

Mid day, mid blizzard, 15 degrees, Crazy Raccoon chewing and clawing his way into my house. Desert Eagle 1, Crazy Raccoon zero.

So to all of you complaining that our congressmen never get anything done, now you know how they’re otherwise occupied: Staying indoors and firing pistols at panicked wildlife.

Congressman King defended his raccoon annihilation to Capitol Hill newspaper Roll Call, explaining that while he respects most animals, “I can’t have a crazy ’coon.”  Interesting language coming from the only U.S. representative to vote against acknowledging slaves’ role in the Capitol building’s construction.

As for the Desert Eagle handgun, you might be interested to know that it:

- is manufactured by Magnum Research, which declares itself “maker of the world’s most powerful handguns.”

- is sold under the slogan “the science of kaboom.”

- enjoyed great fame as the gun that got Gilbert Arenas kicked out of the NBA.

And to think: If only Arenas had used his gun to blow up raccoons instead of to “prank” a teammate, he could’ve ditched basketball altogether, kept working in Washington, and represented Council Bluffs, Iowa in Congress.

Or he could have used it to shoot an elderly man in the face and become Vice President.