THE EARMARK

Former Senator Larry Craig (R-Toto) is not a guy we thought we’d be hearing about much more.  After his exit from Washington in January, we assumed that he would head home, strike a wide stance, and shove hot dogs into hollowed-out potatoes for the rest of his golden years.

But as it turns out, Craig isn’t the type of guy to take a forced retirement lying down.  He’s decided to capitalize on his deep DC experience - after all, the man spent 28 years getting his hands dirty inside the Beltway.  Who else knows as much as him about lubricating the wheels of power and penetrating the innermost circles of Congress?

So, according to the Idaho Statesman, he’s opening a consulting firm.

Said Craig: “I’ve really worked through every problem imaginable in Washington.”

The firm, called New West Strategies LLC, has offices in DC and Idaho, and sports a delightful website that includes a phone number (202-333-5990) that we desperately want to crank call.

The question, of course, is what exactly will this firm consult on?  The website suggests that their focus will be on the environment (namely, fighting on behalf of businesses in their quest to destroy it).  But we’re pretty sure that they’ll happily consult on just about any issue you can think of, except one … something that he cannot possibly touch …

US Air Force appropriations.  Why, what were you thinking about?

Politicians weather a lot of unflattering comparisons in the line of duty.  Any time you’re told you resemble Frankenstein (John Kerry), the Incredible Hulk (Bill Richardson) or a pig (Sarah Palin), it has to dent even the most bloated of egos.

Well apparently these comparisons continue even after a politician has left office.  We refer, of course, to the recent juxtaposition between former Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) and a gay celebrity penguin at the San Francisco city zoo.  For those who haven’t already been swept up in penguin fever, it appears that a previously gay magellanic penguin named Harry left his male lover for a female.  Complicating matters was the fact that Harry’s old flame, Pepper, felt spurned.

What happened next is so obvious we feel foolish even reporting it.  Clearly it was time for conservative columnist Matt Barber to compare Pepper, the slighted gay penguin, to Sen. Craig…

Still, it appears that Pepper has yet to hit rock bottom. In recent days he has reportedly been spotted waddling around the zoo’s public men’s room, skulking in stalls and inexplicably tapping his flipper. There’s even speculation that, as things continue to spiral, he may consider a run for political office.

Pretty harsh and yet, we’d contest Barber’s definition of “rock bottom.”  While trolling the men’s room for anonymous blow jobs is pretty darn low, even lower is being compared to a penguin — who, though down on his luck — has not resorted to this behavior.

And even sadder… the comparison was meant to be insulting to the penguin.

When an Oklahoma politician seeks to establish him or herself as the state’s most obnoxious, hate-mongering bigot, the task is formidable.  After all, the state’s U.S. Senators, James “God, Guns, & Gays” Inhofe and Tom “Lesbian Bathroom Orgy” Coburn are so homophobic, that out-hating them would appear to be an almost impossible task.

Until now.  Clear the decks for Republican State Rep. Sally Kern, who has just issued the “Oklahoma Citizen’s Proclamation for Morality” aka “blame the recession on the gays”.  Here’s an excerpt…

WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national moral crisis; and

WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion, pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and many other forms of debauchery;

If you read on, you can also witness Kern ranting about the need for even more religion intertwined into our government.  Her argument largely consists of putting phrases like “HOLY BIBLE” in all caps.

It should be noted that Kern spewed similar noise 15 months ago when she told a citizens’ group…

“Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades. So it’s the death knell of this country.”

That particular speech also listed Islam (the entire religion) as a national threat, and it got Kern into trouble — although less so for her bigotry than for the fact that she directly plagiarized Mike Huckabee, who told GQ Magazine, “there’s never been a civilization that has rewritten what marriage and family means and survived.”

Long story short, Kern may be overmatched by her home state’s resident bigots, but there’s plenty of room for her in the Big Tent of Huckabee’s national GOP.  (Assuming Huckabee himself isn’t under that tent at the same time — both figuratively and literally.)