THE EARMARK

On the same morning that Tiger Woods apologized for instigating his wife’s golf club attack, Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty told the Conservative Political Action Conference that the golfer’s spouse had it right all along.

Now he wants to set her loose on the federal government…

Joking about Woods’ looming press conference, Pawlenty said. “I think we can learn a lot from that situation. Not from Tiger, but from his wife.”

“She said she’d had enough, and we’ve had enough,” he said. “I think we should take a nine iron and smash the windows out.”

True to the spirit of his golf metaphor, Pawlenty then teed off on Democrats, slicing piles of red meat into a CPAC audience that aptly resembled a golf bunker… all white.

Pawlenty also took time to articulate the two positions one can take in American public life: Patriot or Liberal.

“Patriots in this room and patriots across the country are rising up, and we have a message for liberals: If you plan to take out freedoms we will fight back!” Pawlenty exclaimed.

Patriot or liberal?  Those are our only options?

Well then don’t tell the Kennedy family, a family known as much for their military service, Special Olympics sponsorship, and social justice initiatives as for their liberal politics.

And don’t tell CPAC’s own Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX), who certainly isn’t a liberal, and probably isn’t a patriot either… unless wanting to secede from the country counts as patriotic.

For those of you looking for a heartwarming story from the dreary, rainy Vancouver Olympics, here’s a pretty good one: An irate airline passenger nearly landed a punch on Mitt Romney, just below the venture capitalist’s stylishly gray temples…

An airline passenger “took a swing” at former Republican presidential candidate and Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney aboard an AirCanada flight from Vancouver to Los Angeles on Monday, after Romney asked the passenger to return his seat back to the upright position while awaiting take off.

Now before you rush to sell off your shares in Bain Capital, keep in mind that Romney and his billion dollar mane eluded the passenger’s fists.  Although there are probably a lot of people that wish they hadn’t.  Among them…

A new Gallup poll released last week offers both good news and bad news for President Obama.

The bad news?  Obama is statistically tied with a generic Republican in the 2012 presidential election.

The good news?  Many Republicans surveyed believe that “generic” candidate should be either John McCain or Scott Brown.

To rephase: That’s one candidate who’s fresh off a 2008 loss, would be 85 by the end of his second term, and might lose his Senate primary to Atilla the Hun.  And a second candidate who has spent more time buck naked in the pages of Cosmo than he’s spent on Capitol Hill.

Among GOP frontrunners, McCain and Brown trail only Mitt Romney, whose entire governing experience consists of a single term as governor, and Sarah Palin, who didn’t even make it that far.

And that’s your top four: Romney, Palin, McCain, Brown.  This leaves us with just one question:

WHAT, no Ronald Reagan?  Or at least Curt Schilling, Barry Goldwater or Joe the Plumber– all right-wing heroes.  And what about Rudy?  It’s only been nine years since 9/11.  Hell, even Joe Lieberman should be on this list.

As for professional GOP campaigners like Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and Louisiana Robot-in-Chief Bobby Jindal, the message is clear: They’d best either lose an election or irrationally quit their jobs pronto if they plan to be flipping pancakes in New Hampshire come January 2012.

Alec Baldwin is not a Republican, but he plays one on TV.  His character Jack Donaghy is an institution on NBC’s 30 Rock, defined by his business prowess and his lust for Greta van Susteren.  And while Baldwin’s real life political views are more of the scream-at-women-in-fur-coats variety, he’s so convincing on TV that even conservatives like Matt Drudge are trying to get into his pants.

Now FCC regulations indicate that an article about contrived political beliefs cannot go beyond a paragraph without mentioning Joe Lieberman, the “Independent Democrat” from Connecticut.  Although he currently caucuses with the Senate Democrats, Lieberman is perhaps best known for his full-throated endorsement of Republican John McCain in the 2008 presidential election.  This followed Lieberman’s own failed run for the Oval Office in 2004, running simultaneously on the Democratic and Anti-Masonic tickets, and his defeat in the 2006 Connecticut Democratic primary to Ned Lamont, whose only qualification for the job of US Senator was having an active Moveon.org account.

So you can probably see where we’re going with this…

Baldwin, a proud Nutmegger (that’s New England slang for a person who technically lives in New York) has been making noise about challenging for Lieberman in 2012.  Declaring that he “had no use for” the turncoat lawmaker, Baldwin suggested that he’d consider a jowl-rattling campaign to return Lieberman’s seat to Democratic hands.  Lieberman replied by imitating Baldwin’s Hollywood buddy Clint Eastwood, but unfortunately the fun ends there.

You see once it dawned on Baldwin that running for Lieberman’s seat would require him to move out of New York and actually live in Connecticut, he began getting cold feet.  So as of press time, he’s out, but not before one final dig at old Joe, calling him a “moderate Republican.”

But Baldwin backed out too hastily.  He might believe that serving as Senator from Connecticut would require you to live in the state, but he couldn’t be more wrong.  As it turns out, the Nutmeg State is currently represented by Iowa resident Chris Dodd and New Hampshire’s own … (drumroll)

Joe Lieberman.

Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin… you’ve been put on notice.  If any of you have designs on derailing Sarah Palin’s march from Matanuska-Susitna College to world domination, think again.  You certainly wouldn’t want Sarah Barracuda to eviscerate you to the level she has a certain inarticulate high school dropout teenager from rural Alaska, now would you?

Just when you thought the plot couldn’t possibly thicken more in the Days of Our Lives in Alaska, it has. Outgoing Gov. Sarah Palin is now fighting back against claims made by her daughter’s ex-boyfriend that she bailed out on Alaska in order to cash in on her fame.

Asked if Levi Johnston’s accusation bore any truth, Palin spokeswoman Meghan Stapleton said in an e-mail to The Sleuth, “Absolutely not. She is taking a leap of faith that all will be well personally. This is about what is best for Alaska and not what is best for her personally…

“It is interesting to learn Levi is working on a piece of fiction while honing his acting skills,” Stapleton added in her e-mail.

The crippling assault by Palin’s goon squad proves how intent the governor is on dismantling anyone who threatens her designs on the White House in 2012.

If a GOP foe like Romney accuses her of cashing in on her fame, she’ll get her dad to tell him off.

If President Obama insinuates that she knowingly permitted Bristol to have premarital sex in her own home, she’ll launch a Scientology-inspired PR campaign to discredit him.

And if Vladimir Putin goes on the Tyra Banks Show to say Palin’s fame “definitely got to her head” and that she “quit on Alaska,” she’ll just have to… well… quit her job three-quarters of the way into her term and devote her life to a full-time assault on her critics.  Boo-ya!

So whether you’re a presidential candidate, the leader of the free world, or a neo-Soviet autocrat, get out of Sarah Palin’s way.  Because while she might not have national experience, party respect, or even a job, she sure has taken apart that barely-literate teenage dropout.  Barracuda!

Listen up, Washington!  Your former denizen, George Allen (R-VA), is about to lecture you, and he’s going to begin just as soon as he can get the American public to pay attention.

In a blog post entitled “George Allen’s Road Back?“, Politico’s Ben Smith writes…

A book is often a start on that road, and Regnery announced today that they’re publishing one by the former Virginia senator:

The book, due out next year, will be called, “The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports.”

Although the book’s publicists are revealing few details (apart from the exciting news that Allen was an excellent rugby player in college), we imagine that Allen plans to admonish his colleagues to:

- Display a noose in a tree at one’s law office in a former Confederate stronghold.

- Call a dark-skinned constituent “macaca” to incite taunts from a redneck audience.

- Allegedly use racial epithets against African-Americans.

- Deny being Jewish.

The only caveat is that, according to Allen’s book title, Washington politicians need to learn these lessons via the world of sports.  Well conveniently enough for our purposes, Allen personally has a NFL Hall of Fame father of the same name!  So all the tips listed above still apply!

Now as for Ben Smith’s prognosis of an Allen comeback, we urge GOP leadership to proceed slowly with this.  Sure, a book on “character” is going to vault Allen into the 2012 presidential dialogue, but will it really be enough to hold off the surge generated by Mark Sanford’s guide to a healthy marriage, Bobby Jindal’s public speaking manual, or Sarah Palin’s tome on perseverance in the workplace?

Because at the current rate, those books are definitely on their way!

So Alaska governor Sarah Palin is stepping down on July 26, and pundits are struggling to figure out why.  Is she running for president?  Is she going to cash in Mike Huckabee-style with a show on Fox News?  Or will she ride her VP loser status to international acclaim, just like Joe Lieberman and John Edwards?

The answer is no, no, and no.  If you ask us, Palin is obviously stepping down in anticipation of a major scandal becoming national news!   The only question is what scandal?  We’ll get the ball rolling with a couple speculations, but feel free to add your own in the comments section!

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has had a rough couple of weeks.  First his soapbox scheme to reject federal stimulus money blew up in his face, rendering him a national joke.  Then he set off for the Appalachian Trail, only to wander off course and end up in South America. Then he came back to South Carolina, admitted to an international love affair, resigned as chairman of the Republican Governors’ Association, and bawled like a schoolgirl on national television.

It’s time we took pity on this poor man by backing off, handing him a live microphone, and allowing him to compare himself to David: King of the Jews.

Here’s the erstwhile thru-hiker in his own words…

What I find interesting is the story of David, and the way in which he fell mightily, he fell in very very significant ways. But then picked up the pieces and built from there.

Sanford followed this remark with a prepared statement, in which he reminded reporters that after David’s own biblical sex scandal, he too served out the remaining 18 months of his term until state law forbid him from seeking re-election…

I remain committed to rebuilding the trust that has been committed to me over the next 18 months, and it is my hope that I am able to follow the example set by David in the Bible - who after his fall from grace humbly refocused on the work at hand.

Although we at The Earmark are happy that Sanford’s confidence and self-image haven’t been even remotely shaken by his own transgressions, we feel that he may have gone to far by likening himself to David: King of the Jews.  Perhaps a comparison to Elliot: Sheriff of Wall Street, John: Bore of the Senate, or Vito: Drunk Driver of Alexandria would have made a better starting point.