THE EARMARK

For those of you who keep letting unwatched CSPAN-2 broadcasts pile up in your DVR, we’ll now fill you in on the past week of Senate proceedings:

• Thursday: Irascible Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) stages a one-man legislative blockade, thus eliminating 400,00 people’s unemployment benefits, choking off COBRA payments, halting hundreds of federal transportation projects, cutting doctors’ Medicare payments by 21%, and furloughing 2,000 federal employees.
• Friday: Bunning tells furloughed workers “tough shit” and then names the true casualty of his blockade: His having to miss a basketball game on TV.
• Monday: Pressed by reporters, Bunning gives them the finger and gets territorial about an elevator.
• Meanwhile, the GOP’s national image takes a hit, and their “party of no” reputation is reinforced.
• Tuesday: Satisfied, Bunning drops his objection.

The way we see it, this was never about jobs.  Rather, Bunning’s main objective all along was to make the GOP squirm.

That’s because the Kentucky reactionary blames Mitch McConnell and other GOP leaders for forcing him from his 2010 reelection campaign.  (Although some would say his horrible poll numbers and advanced dementia also contributed.)  And since suing the Republican Party wasn’t viable revenge for Bunning, trashing our fragile economy was the next best option.

Now McConnell and company must absorb notoriety for Bunning’s mess while trying to mount a powerful comeback in the November election.  And that’s just fine by Bunning, who has nothing left to do but relax and count the days until he leaves the Senate for greener pastures…

Specifically Green Pastures Nursing Home.

Bad news for those of you hoping to trade in a gas-guzzling Bentley and get $4500 toward a spiffy new Chevy Aveo.  The government’s much-hyped “cash for clunkers” program is about to crumble like a Ford Festiva in an elevator door.

The program’s principal sin?  Being way too successful…

The government plans to suspend its popular “cash for clunkers” program amid concerns it could quickly use up the $1 billion in rebates for new car purchases, congressional officials said Thursday…

Through late Wednesday, 22,782 vehicles had been purchased through the program and nearly $96 million had been spent. But dealers raised concerns about large backlogs in the processing of the deals in the government system, prompting the suspension.

So barring further notice, this program is finished.  And while some will lament its demise, others will applaud it.  Let’s examine who wins and loses based on this news…

WINNERS

• Personal friends of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and his predecessor, Hank Paulson.  If “cash for clunkers” had survived, these folks would have received a mere $32 billion for bonuses.
• Personal friends of the House Ethics Committee, who will now get to keep their ethical earmark money doled out by ethics-minded congressmen.
• Personal friends and relatives of Rep. Jack Murtha (D-PA), whom the aforementioned Ethics Committee is investigating, only not really.  More cash for this crowd, too.
• Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC) who opposes all forms of federal stimulus, opting to save the money for a time portal to 19th century Belgium.

LOSERS

• Ford Motor Company, who passed on federal stimulus money with the idea that they’d gain sales from this particular program.  For the eponymous family running the show, this is even worse than owning the Lions.
• The majority of President Obama’s cabinet, who all need to ditch that fleet of foreign cars they collectively drive.
• Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT), who thought this would be his big chance to unload an armada of hideously-painted PT Cruisers.

So, this past weekend was the big annual National Governors Association conference.  The good people of Biloxi, Mississippi, went all out to put on a great time for the governors, because they deserve it, and to be honest there’s not a whole lot else going on in Biloxi these days.  But attendance was kind of sparse.

Turns out a lot of the governors had a … thing.  That couldn’t be avoided.  Sorry, Biloxi.

Fewer than half of the nation’s 50 governors attended the gathering this year, including the group’s chairman, Gov. Ed Rendell, D-Penn.

Before introducing a videotaped message from Rendell, the incoming NGA chairman, Gov. Jim Douglas, R-Vt., opened the first session on Saturday by stating Rendell needed to stay put in Harrisburg to deal with his state’s “economic and fiscal crisis.”

Now it’s understandable that some governors couldn’t make it because they had incredibly important tasks to do, like checking their email or squabbling with local teenagers.  Some may have had urgent business to take care of with waitresses in parking garages.  And others may have tried to come, but forgot their IDs.

Still, they missed out.  Sure turnout was low, but the governors who did show up had a blast.  John Baldacci of Maine brought some great onion dip and Brad Henry of Oklahoma told his famous off-color joke about “flied lice.”

Oh, and nobody made fools of themselves by exchanging Senate seats for rough sex like two bad apples did last year.

Stop what you’re doing, call your broker, and put in a “buy” order on Honda, Hyundai, Toyota, Mercedes… any car company as long as it’s not American!

Allow us to explain: President Obama has named Ron Bloom as his new chief advisor on the automobile industry, and if past appointments are any indication, Bloom is going to be a walking, talking advertisement for a foreign-made car.  Just check the published stats and you’ll see that the road to Obama’s cabinet is full of speed-traps for anyone caught driving domestic.

Consider the cars of current administration members…

- Timothy Geithner: Acura TSX

- Larry Summers: Mazda Protégé

- Peter Orszag: Honda Odyssey and Volvo S60

- Austin Goolsbee: Toyota Highlander

- New auto task force leader Brian Deese: Honda Civic

- Steven Rattner, the financially-shady bureaucrat that Bloom is replacing: Mercedes-Benz 350

You’ll admit that although Ron Bloom’s ride of choice has yet to be publicly revealed, the odds are looking pretty good for Germany and Japan.  In fact, when all is said and done, the only two administrators still driving American might be Obama himself (Ford Escape Hybrid) and VP Joe Biden (1981 Trans Am with Night Ranger in the tape deck.)

Let the record stand that none of this would have happened under a John McCain administration.  In fact, all imports would have probably been cut off by this point due to the ongoing war with Spain.  And if party leaders had allowed McCain to pick Joe Lieberman as his VP, there would have been a whole fleet of colorfully adorned PT Cruisers in the White House parking lot as well!

[In the interest of full disclosure, none of us here at The Earmark drive American, either.  But if no one from our site is appointed to at least Secretary of Labor by the end of Obama's first term, we're just going to give up and finally indulge ourselves with one of those dreamy Pontiac Azteks we've been holding off on.]

We’ve said it before, and now we’ll say it again.  Swindlers in the financial services industry: Stop preying on the most naive, foolish, vulnerable segment of our society — members of Congress!

Around this time last year, we called out the sub-prime mortgage thieves who caused foolhardy Rep. Laura Richardson (D-CA) to default on the loan for her third home.  The congresswoman was so distraught that she wound up abandoning her BMW at a Long Beach auto garage, and no amount of Greenpeace-funded smoothies could comfort her.

Now comes the news that the financial vultures have found another Congressional victim.  And that would be freshman Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL), who apparently wanted to show solidarity with Americans who were bilked by Ponzi schemes by falling for one himself…

Freshman Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.) lost $3 million in a stock swindle between 2000 and 2005, a Florida television station reported this week.

According to Orlando’s Local 6, Grayson was an investor in a Ponzi scheme run by the company Derivium Capital. The scheme allowed Grayson and other investors to turn over stock to Derivium in exchange for cash loans and redeem the value later if the stock prices increased.

This news alone ought to be embarrassing enough for Grayson, his family, and the United States of America.  But what makes it even more pathetic is the fact that Grayson isn’t just a congressman — he’s on the House Financial Services Committee!  He’s supposed to be safeguarding the nation against fraud and instead he’s intertwining himself with bogus offers for instant cash loans.  And he’s been hiding it for four years!

Clearly humbled, Rep. Grayson has now decided that cash-loan-for-stock scams simply aren’t the best way to fritter away money in today’s economy.  So from now on, look for the congressman to get his dough the old fashioned way… in $50 million earmarks attached to cap-and-trade legislation.