THE EARMARK

The Earmark bids a fond farewell to Doris “Granny D” Haddock, a true patriot if there ever was one.  She died yesterday at age 100 in her New Hampshire home.

D was a hero to us in many ways.  She first gained national fame in 1999, when she walked across the country to promote campaign finance reform, despite the protestations of a sobbing John Roberts.  Her courageous efforts led directly (we’re pretty sure) to the passage of the McCain-Feingold bill in 2002, which in turn led to the possibility of a largely unknown African-American man being elected president.  So in other words, Granny D was responsible for fishing being banned nationwide.

But we remember D even more fondly for her bold run for the U.S. Senate at age 94.  She managed to win the Democratic nomination for the seat, largely due to her shrewd campaign tactic of baking pies for each of New Hampshire’s six Democrats.  In the general election, she won an impressive 34% of the vote from incumbent Republican Judd Gregg, who was so infuriated that he hired men to kidnap his wife.

Sadly, though, Granny D never became Senator D.  She lived for many more years, however, long enough to become a Hollywood legend and outlive her childhood nemesis, New Hampshire’s Old Man of the Mountain.

Goodbye, Granny D.  We miss you.

Disgraced Representative Eric Massa (D-NY) only has a few hours left in his House term, which means he’d better hustle if he hopes to alienate all of Congress by day’s end.

Fortunately, Massa is off to a good start upon explaining that a male aide’s sexual harassment allegation was set up by the Democrats because Massa wanted to oppose the health care bill…

“Mine is now the deciding vote on the health care bill and this administration and this House leadership have said, quote-unquote, they will stop at nothing to pass this health care bill, and now they’ve gotten rid of me and it will pass. You connect the dots.”

Massa began the dot-connecting process for us all when he attempted to explain his sexual harassment to a local New York radio station.  His primary points are:

• The main harassment took place when everyone was drunk.
• His wife was there, but only she wasn’t, because she, um, had… the stomach flu.  Yeah…
• First he sexually harassed some women, so remember that before you call him gay.
• The whole thing is actually Steny Hoyer’s fault.
• He’s had cancer, alright?

Roll Call has the full summary of the interview, and if you bother to read the whole thing, let us know.  Particularly if, somewhere in it, Massa starts calling himself “salty” again.

Remember how, back in 2008, we all voted out the Republicans because they were greedy, corrupt, and disrespectful of the voting public?  Well give them this much: At least they were good at it.

If you want to see politicians who are simultaneously a) corrupt and b) really bad at it, look no farther than New York state, where elected Democrats are tarnishing every institution of disciplined corruption that the Gambino family worked for decades to establish.

To illustrate our point, here’s a list of all the corrupt Democrats that New York has had to endure in recent months… plus the corrupt Republicans they could learn from.

Corrupt Democrat	Act of Corruption	Republican Who Did It Better
Eliot Spitzer, ex-governor	Hard to believe this was 2 years ago.  Spitzer rode a wave of self-righteousness all the way to Washington, DC, where he washed up aboard The Mayflower… and then paid several thousand dollars for rough sex.	David Vitter, who one-ups Spitzer’s hypocrisy by trying to criminalize the very prostitution industry he patronized so faithfully.
David Paterson, current governor	Allegedly used state police to intimidate the victim of his wife-beating aide. And he forced the Yankees to give him free World Series tickets.	Rudy Giuliani knows more about exploiting the Yankees.  He also knows how to get way more out of thuggish police officers.
Hiram Monserrate, ex-State Senator	Beat the crap out of his live-in girlfriend.	Ousted Rep. Don Sherwood (R-PA) beat the crap out of his live-in mistress.
Charlie Rangel, U.S. Representative	Despite chairing the tax-writing House Ways and Means Committee, he appears to not have declared a taxable asset since the Carter administration.	Ex-Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham, who’s paying back taxes on lobbying gifts in the form of hand-made license plates.
Eric Massa, U.S. Representative	Propositioned a male aide in his Capitol Hill offices.	Actually, Massa even beats the Republicans in this category.  Not even Mark Foley was slick enough to use the excuse: “I’m just a salty old sailor.“

As chairman of the tax-writing House Ways and Means Committee, Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY) must protect our nation’s revenue, so that every American, no matter how rich and powerful, contributes to the common good.

And if there’s one thing that angers Ways and Means chairmen, it’s people who don’t report income, receive gifts without paying the proper tariffs, and generally cheat the tax system. That’s why Chairman Rangel cast his gaze over Congress and fired the man who most sullies the reputation of his committee: Charlie Rangel.

Representative Charles B. Rangel of New York announced on Wednesday that he would temporarily step down from his powerful post as chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee in an attempt to avert a politically bruising fight over permanently stripping the gavel from his hands.

In stripping Chairman Rangel of his duties, Chairman Rangel demonstrated he would have no tolerance for:

• Omitting hundreds of thousands of dollars in overseas vacation property from your tax returns.
• Omitting several million dollars in domestic assets from your tax returns.
• Attending lobbyist-funded junkets in the Caribbean, and neglecting to note them on your tax returns.

All of these are clear violations of federal law, leaving Chairman Rangel with no choice but to relieve Chairman Rangel of his duties.

With tax ethics properly addressed, Rangel can now turn his attention toward weeding out other Congressional impurities… including Congressmen who are overweight, Congressmen who wear their hair like Pat Riley, and Congressmen who talk like Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny.

Quickly, what do Carrot Top and U.S. Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) have in common?

That’s easy enough.  Both men…

• Perform in public using props.
• Have appeared on Comedy Central.
• Must have been beaten mercilessly by their childhood companions.

But that’s not all!  If Cantor has his way, they’ll also have this in common: Neither man will have any of his ideas included in Barack Obama’s health care bill…

House Minority Whip Eric Cantor released a statement today attacking President Obama for including four Republican ideas in his new health care proposal, which will be released tomorrow…

“If the President simply adds a couple of Republican solutions to a trillion dollar health care package that the American people don’t support, it isn’t bipartisanship - it’s political cover.”

The nerve of President Obama!  When Cantor and his fellow Republicans were imploring him to include Republican submissions in a health care resolution, they didn’t actually mean he was supposed to include Republican submissions in a health care resolution!  What about the prop comedy??

See while Cantor the legislator might want conservative ideas included in a new health bill, Cantor the prop comedian will suffer in a bipartisan Washington.  Will he still get to perform that “southern accent” he spends countless hours perfecting in the mirror?  What about a new routine based around his favorite punchline– “the Democrat party”?  And what’s he going to do with that giant stack of paper he likes to mug with for cameras?

And most importantly… how can a struggling comedian afford to buy health care in this climate?

It takes a big man to read the proverbial writing on the wall, telling him his political career is over.  (It’s particularly impressive when that man is blind.)

That’s why David Paterson should be celebrated, not chastised, for dropping out of New York’s gubernatorial race, and giving his 26% of the vote back to the people.

And no, that isn’t a typo.  The standing governor of New York state was polling at 26% in a hypothetical November match-up.  That’s worse than the hooker-craving blowhard that preceded him.

But now that 26% is freed up for better use.  It could go to likely challenger Andrew Cuomo or to New York’s favorite token Republican, Rick Lazio.  Or it could go to a write-in campaign for the millions of New Yorkers that are more popular than Paterson, such as Ed Koch, Batman or the Times Square Naked Cowboy.

And with the race behind him, Paterson can also take that hefty $3 million he had in his campaign war chest, and re-appropriate it toward something more viable than the governorship.

We suggest a two-bedroom walk-up in Manhattan.

Remember Ned Lamont?  He’s the cable-TV mogul who beat Sen. Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut Democratic primary back in 2006, only to lose to him three months later in the general election.

Well, now he’s back and he’s announced his candidacy to succeed retiring Governor “M” Jodi Rell this November.

Lamont enters the Democratic primary as the nominal front-runner, but other candidates are on the horizon.  How will Lamont repeat history by beating them in the primary, and then losing to them in November?

Opponent	How Lamont Will Beat Him in the Primary	How Lamont Will Lose to Him in the General
Chris Dodd, retiring Senator	Dodd, embarrassed after being forced out of his Senate seat, will fail to rehabilitate his sullied image among Democrats.	Lamont will be caught by surprise when Countrywide Insurance, emboldened by the Supreme Court’s recent campaign finance ruling, donates $50 billion worth of foreclosed properties to Dodd’s campaign, putting him over the top.
Alec Baldwin, actor	Lamont will gain victory by pointing out that Baldwin, despite his frequent candidacy for public office in Connecticut, technically lives in New York.	Confused Tea Party activists, mistakening him for his right-wing brother Stephen, will hand Baldwin the governorship.
Joe Lieberman, Senator	Lieberman can’t resist making an ass of himself, so he will enter and lose the governor’s race.	Patriotic “buy America” fever will give Joe the edge, considering that Lamont drives a Prius and Lieberman is the one thing keeping Chrysler’s PT Cruiser in production.
Paul Newman, deceased philanthropist	Although Newman is a beloved Connecticut icon, Lamont will sneak past him in the primary by pointing out that he is dead.	Lamont is simply a loser.

Early yesterday morning, U.S. Rep. John P. Murtha (D-PA)  absconded from his earthly legislating duties for a little slice of paradise beyond the clouds.  And no, that doesn’t mean he rode a Lockheed Martin F-35 to John Murtha Regional Airport in Pennsylvania.  It just means he died.  Went to heaven, if you’re a believer.

Now some of you might say that’s hogwash.  Like if you’re Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA), and you don’t believe in heaven.   Or if you’re Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD), and you don’t believe in heaven for Jack Murtha.  Or if you’re a resident of Murtha’s district, and you don’t believe in heaven for Congressmen that support black presidential candidates.

But let’s say Murtha did make it through the pearly gates.  What awaits him?  Well, here are some possibilities for the dearly departed Democrat…

Rest in peace, Congressman Murtha.