THE EARMARK

U.S. Rep. Anh “Joseph” Cao (R-LA) is in a lot of trouble as he stares down 2010 campaign season.

For starters, he’s a Republican in an overwhelmingly Democratic New Orleans district.  His seat is the top target of the Democratic House Campaign Committee, according to the Swing State Project.  And just today Roll Call, the newspaper of Capitol Hill, ran the headline “Cao Most Vulnerable Member in ‘10.”  Folks, this is Bob Taft territory that we’re entering.

But not all hope is lost because Rep. Cao has a strategy, and it’s the same one that propelled him to victory in 2008:

1. Wait until your opponent is indicted for taking half a million in bribes, racketeering, money laundering and obstruction of justice.
2. Cruise to victory!

Now it’s true that Cao can’t fully implement said strategy until $90,000 cash is found in top challenger Cedric Richmond’s freezer, but hey — it’s still 14 months until the election, people!  Maybe Richmond is still out buying the aluminum foil.

And once Cao’s plan comes to fruition, the seat should be his for the next 235 years, after which it will return to a freshly-paroled William Jefferson.

In the most exciting development in academia since Alberto Gonzales became the Bobby Knight of junior level poli-sci courses, disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has agreed to teach a class at the City University of New York.

Although students will be drawn to the course by Spitzer’s personal charisma and tell-all tales of Robert Morganthau, the true learning will come from Spitzer’s hand-selected reading list.  And what’s on that list?  The course hasn’t yet begun, but here’s what we’ve learned so far:

DEFINITELY ON THE LIST

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk - “Pugilistic” is the second-most common adjective associated with Spitzer, right after “bludgeoning.”

Lost Soldiers by Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA) - Spitzer’s students will be tested on their knowledge of “romping atop Simolzak’s huge frame,” and Webb’s book is the ultimate authority.

Those Who Trespass by Bill O’Reilly - Spitzer wants his class to learn that not every sex scandal involves pushing hookers to their brink, as his did.  New York’s own O’Reilly proved they could also involve tales of cunnilingus-obsessed, homicidal TV hosts and falafels.

Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex (DVD) - Spitzer owes everything to his mentor, and assigning her groundbreaking DVD to his class is just a small bit of payback.

O’er the Ramparts: Presidential Leadership for 2016 by Eliot Spitzer - Spitzer had 500,000 of these printed up in 2006 and he’s got to do something with them.

DEFINITELY NOT ON THE LIST

The Manhattan Madam: Sex, Drugs Scandal and Greed Inside America’s Most Successful Prostitution Ring by Kristin Davis - Davis’ tell-all memoir incorrectly states Spitzer’s preferred color of ball gag.

Eliot Spitzer - #1 Gringo! by Christopher Jansen - Ever the gentleman, Spitzer insists that globe-trotting former New York Sen. Hillary Clinton is in fact the #1 Gringo.

What do CNN, MSNBC, C-SPAN and all the broadcast networks have in common?  Well that’s easy.  None have exposed Ronald Reagan and John D. Rockefeller as pro-art communist weasels!

Thankfully though, we have Fox News to pick up the slack.  Their exposé began last night, when they dispatched in-house art critic Glenn Beck to tour the headquarters of NBC — in a building constructed by Rockefeller and afforded landmark status by Reagan.  And horror of horrors, what did Beck find there?  Why paintings!  And sculpture!  And it gets worse:  Some of it was made by foreigners!

Here’s Beck critiquing a 1937 bas-relief by Attilio Piccirilli, an American who happened to have been born in Italy.  From the Modern Art Notes blog…

“Who is this? Who is this?” Beck asked, his voice rising to a yell. “This is the strong leader taking that, using that industry and those machines to lead us into the, uh, bright future, led by our children. Gee, who’s having indoctrination next week? Oh yeah, that’s right, our  president. Completely unrelated. This represents, at the time this was made, Mussolini. This represents Mussolini.”

As the tour continued, Beck pointed out more of Rockefeller/Reagan’s communist gems, including a Carl Paul Jennewein painting that features both a hammer and a sickle.  Although they’re on opposite sides of the painting, and also those symbols predate communism by centuries, but Glenn Beck is really angry so let’s just follow along and try to shield our eyes from the spittle.

Despite Beck’s vigor, the tour did not get past Rockefeller Center’s lobby.  Although we assume Rockefeller and Reagan stashed their most valuable commie cache up on the top floor, Beck could not venture so high for fear of a lightning strike to his tin-foil hat.

The consequences of Ted Kennedy’s death have hit far and wide, from healthcare reform to civil rights to the Washington drinking scene.  But nothing may suffer a more  dire fate than Massachusetts’ blissful lack of moronic ex-jocks running for office.

With Kennedy gone, his unfilled Senate seat has opened the bullpen gates for ex-Red Sox blowhard Curt Schilling to run for office and presumably start comparing trade deficits to ERA…

A day after writing on his blog that he has “some interest” in running for the seat held for nearly 50 years by Democratic Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, Curt Schilling did not back off — and sounded even more determined in considering the opportunity…

A registered independent and longtime Republican supporter, Schilling wrote on his blog that while his family and video game company, 38 Studios, are high priorities, “I do have some interest in the possibility.”

What adds intrigue to the story is that Schilling, by seeking Kennedy’s Massachusetts seat, would actually replace retiring Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY), in order to fulfill the Senate’s quota for old, white, conservative ex-jocks whose primary foreign policy experience was pitching a few games in Canada.  (Or in Bunning’s day, the Dakota Territory.)

Schilling’s resume contains appropriate similarities to Bunning’s — for instance, his heroic World Series victory on a bum ankle rivals Bunning getting attacked by little green doctors.  Still, we won’t be true believers until Schilling predicts a Supreme Court justice’s death, attempts to sue the Republican Party, and loses all of the computer/social media comprehension he currently possesses.

Meanwhile, by this same logic, Bunning’s successor must fill the Ted Kennedy void.  Given that the criteria requires the candidate to be dashing, proudly liberal, ready to party — and, very important, willing to spend a lot of time in Kentucky — it appears the list starts and ends with George Clooney.

Nor will the New York Democrat be chairing the housing, banking, or general honesty committees.  Why?  Because those duties would all clash with his current slate of corruption running the House Ways and Means Committee.

Here’s how the Washington Post breaks it down…

Mr. Rangel’s amended financial disclosure form, which exposes omissions from his 2002 through 2006 records, is a treasure trove of outrage. He neglected to report a checking account with the Congressional Federal Credit Union and one with Merrill Lynch, each valued between $250,000 and $500,000; the tens of thousands of dollars he’s earning from dividends from a number of mutual funds and stocks; and the money made from the sale of a Harlem townhouse. As a result, Mr. Rangel’s reported net worth doubled, from between $516,015 and $1,316,000 to between $1,028,024 and $2,495,000.

Now Rangel has a number of excuses he can claim for such transgressions.  Among them:

* A couple million dollars is chump change when you’re Charlie Rangel.

* He opted to forgo the middleman and hand his tax dollars directly to Jack Murtha’s friends and relatives.

* He’s still a hell of a lot better at math than anyone working in the White House.

Unfortunately for Rangel, none of those excuses will be good enough to wrest the Math Committee chairmanship away from its current holder, Rep. Don Young (R-AK).  If you’re gonna get creative with the numbers, why stop at six digits?