THE EARMARK

Alec Baldwin is not a Republican, but he plays one on TV.  His character Jack Donaghy is an institution on NBC’s 30 Rock, defined by his business prowess and his lust for Greta van Susteren.  And while Baldwin’s real life political views are more of the scream-at-women-in-fur-coats variety, he’s so convincing on TV that even conservatives like Matt Drudge are trying to get into his pants.

Now FCC regulations indicate that an article about contrived political beliefs cannot go beyond a paragraph without mentioning Joe Lieberman, the “Independent Democrat” from Connecticut.  Although he currently caucuses with the Senate Democrats, Lieberman is perhaps best known for his full-throated endorsement of Republican John McCain in the 2008 presidential election.  This followed Lieberman’s own failed run for the Oval Office in 2004, running simultaneously on the Democratic and Anti-Masonic tickets, and his defeat in the 2006 Connecticut Democratic primary to Ned Lamont, whose only qualification for the job of US Senator was having an active Moveon.org account.

So you can probably see where we’re going with this…

Baldwin, a proud Nutmegger (that’s New England slang for a person who technically lives in New York) has been making noise about challenging for Lieberman in 2012.  Declaring that he “had no use for” the turncoat lawmaker, Baldwin suggested that he’d consider a jowl-rattling campaign to return Lieberman’s seat to Democratic hands.  Lieberman replied by imitating Baldwin’s Hollywood buddy Clint Eastwood, but unfortunately the fun ends there.

You see once it dawned on Baldwin that running for Lieberman’s seat would require him to move out of New York and actually live in Connecticut, he began getting cold feet.  So as of press time, he’s out, but not before one final dig at old Joe, calling him a “moderate Republican.”

But Baldwin backed out too hastily.  He might believe that serving as Senator from Connecticut would require you to live in the state, but he couldn’t be more wrong.  As it turns out, the Nutmeg State is currently represented by Iowa resident Chris Dodd and New Hampshire’s own … (drumroll)

Joe Lieberman.

Senatorial bad boy Jim Webb (D-VA) touched down this morning in Myanmar (nèe Burma) to lay down the law with the nation’s oppressive military regime.

Webb is just the man for the job.  As a  highly decorated former Marine Corpsman and a much-feared Ultimate Fighting champion, the senior senator from Virginia has guts, stamina, and the killer instinct needed to deal with the leader of Myanmar’s junta, Senior General Than Shwe.  After all, this is a man who already took on and conquered a much more formidable foe: the vicious, noose-swinging Confederate reenactor Sen. George Allen.

Webb had this to say in a press conference last night:

She romped on top of Simolzak’s huge frame, straddling him with her hands on his chest, her back arched and her breasts flailing wildly in the air. Her back was to him and her long hair swung from side to side as if accentuating the abandonment of her screams.

Whoops, wrong quote. That one was from Webb’s recent novel, Lost Soldiers.  He actually said something regarding Myanmar.  The details are irrelevant.  What really matters is that this is an epic matchup.

In one corner: Than Shwe, the Asian sensation that’s oppressing a nation.  In the other corner: Jim Webb, the Ayatollah of Annapolis.  At stake: the fair hand of Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, Burmese democracy leader.  The rules: none.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) is a deeply unpopular man right now.  How unpopular?  Well, in a recent poll that had Reid hypothetically matched up with Osama bin Laden, Nevada voters wanted to know bin Laden’s running mate before committing to a candidate.

Okay, so maybe that poll doesn’t actually exist.  Yet.  But the point is that Reid couldn’t beat a drum right now.  So the stage is ripe for an upstart challenger to move in and snatch his Senate seat from right under his jowls.

Apparently that upstart challenger won’t be U.S. Rep. Dean Heller, arguably the most popular Republican in Nevada.  You see, Heller sat back and thought about the prospect of approving Cabinet members, grilling Supreme Court nominees, and joining the most powerful governing body on the planet, and then leaped to the logical conclusion: That’s all well and good, but what about high school sports?

Rep. Dean Heller, R-Nev., has decided not to challenge Sen. Harry Reid in 2010 and will run for re-election in Congressional District 2…

He said a key factor is that his daughter enters high school this fall.

“If I run now, I’m a member of Congress and spend the next year and a half running for Senate,” he said. “I don’t want to miss her first two years in high school.”

Okay, so we’re a little confused. Rep. Heller.  You’re saying it’s nonviable to spend time at your daughter’s high school when you’re a Senate candidate, but that’s totally kosher when you’re actually in government as a United States Representative in a time of war and economic turmoil?

Well you’re damn straight it is!  Our source for such a claim? Why, Rep. Dean Heller (R-NV), as evidenced in this priceless quote:

“Nothing compensates for the time I’m not at home,” Heller said, noting that he missed every one of his daughter Emmy’s track meets this season.

“Next year, I’ll miss votes just to go to her track meets,” he told the students. “It’s that important.”

Wait, it is?  The 400 meter hurdles are more important than passing a national budget?  The javelin more important than military appropriations?  And yet, by Heller’s logic, campaigning for Senate would supersede both sets of duties.  “Forget Emmy’s broad jump, forget the declaration of war back in Congress… I’ve got to scarf down waffles with resentful voters in suburban Reno!”

Well, give Heller this much: Family is at the top of his list. By setting aside a campaign for them, Heller will impress the voting public who, it turns out, actually hate it when congressmen try to talk to them.

The decision also shore up Heller’s support within his own family, on which he still relies for guidance, pleasure and– most important of all– haircuts.

Guess Harry Reid’s going to have to find someone a little less principled to lose to.

America is down in the dumps. More than ever, we need a good laugh, and yet where is the comedy?  TV is showing repeats, Al Franken is trying to be serious, and Joe Biden has been put in cold storage until campaign season.

Fellow Americans, the time to act is now.  Is there anybody out there willing to lay down his dignity, his personal reputation, and his grip on reality to make us hoot like jackals until we hyperventilate?

Thankfully a martyr has stepped forward for the sake of comedy, and to him we offer our gratitude.  That said, we had no idea said martyr would be a United States Senator…

Illinois Sen. Roland Burris announced last month that he would not run to retain his Senate seat next year, but in his first television interview since making that decision, Burris told ABC News he could change his mind.

“You never say never,” Burris told ABC News… “What I’m still hearing,” Burris said, is “people from all over the country and they are saying, ‘Don’t give up that seat.’”

Now if you read our earlier report that Burris had withdrawn from the race to raise bail money for Rod Blagojevich, we stand fully prepared to issue a retraction right here.  And we’ll do so with utter glee.

See, while we hate to get a story wrong, how could we pass up a chance to cover a 2010 Senate campaign where an incumbent polling 5% among Democrats and 0.6% among independents runs because he thinks it’s the people’s mandate.  Can Burris be serious?  Even Patti Blagojevich polled higher on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!

We also can’t wait to see who Burris drags up to introduce him at rallies, given that everyone from Gov. Pat Quinn to Sen. Dick Durbin to the Daleys, has told him to resign.  Maybe the late John Wayne Gacy will do the honors, given that he’s the only remaining Illinois Democrat that hasn’t issued a statement condemning Burris.

Now Burris could try to bring in a heavy hitter from the national party to drum up excitement.  We understand that John Edwards has an open schedule.  So does Mike Gravel. But even those guys are going to be pretty tough to rope in when your entire campaign budget is $845.

Ah, comedy.

For those of you out there who are not glued to Sarah Palin’s Facebook page (and we can’t imagine what else you’re doing with your time), you may have missed her discovery that Barack Obama intends to kill her infant child via the “Death Panel” established by his health care legislation.

Here at The Earmark, we oppose the establishment of an all-powerful federal cabal that has complete authority to vote on life or death decisions for ordinary Americans.  We prefer that the free market have that role.

But considering that we hear the Death Panel’s members are already assembling (Paula Abdul has already cleared her schedule), we’d like to forewarn you about its soon-to-be victims.

Death Panel Victim	Why The Panel Will Vote for Death	Why The Panel Will Vote for Life
Trig Palin	US Weekly has already offered his mother $300,000 for the first photos of his euthanized corpse.	John McCain’s advisers are privately pushing him as an Attorney General candidate.
Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY)	Severe dementia, Alzheimer’s, and Tourette’s Syndrome have destroyed Bunning’s quality of life and contributions to society.	You never know, the man may have one more perfect game left in him.
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney	Romney is Obama’s most formidable GOP rival for 2012. If the Death Panel knocks him off, that title will fall to the nation’s second-most viable Republican: Tom Tancredo.	Since Romney is a synthetic non-human super-predator, any attempts to kill him will hopelessly backfire.
Plumbers making over $250,000 a year	Under Obama’s socialist wealth-redistribution plan, these plumbers must be taxed at the levels they were under Reagan until they perish.	Many of them are needed for their cutting-edge journalism and authorship of bestselling books.

And before the Latina-loving governor gets his hopes up, may we remind him that headline does not say Colombia.

No, we’re talking Columbia, South Carolina where the hubristic conservative remains governor, despite a multi-week ordeal wherein he lied to his staff about an Appalachian Trail trek, hightailed it to Argentina to boink a TV reporter, and then came back to South Carolina to cry, suggest he could have been King of the Jews, and work on his Bill Clinton impersonation.

But now he’s going to have to do it without his wife and children.  Because they’re abandoning Sanford in his governor’s mansion…

Jenny Sanford, the wife of Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, will move from the governor’s mansion in Columbia to Charleston with the couple’s four sons, she announced on Friday, signaling that she intends to keep her distance from her husband.

While the news is obviously a setback for the governor, we’re confident that he could fill the vacancies in his mansion without too much trouble.  Topping the list of likely guests…

Maria Belén Chapur- This would be the aforementioned reporter at the heart of the Sanford affair.  Helping her cause for admittance is that she’s Sanford’s proclaimed soul mate.  (Sorry, Bill Maher.)

His Old Roomies From the Capitol Hill Christian Group House- Nothing could be more Christian than welcoming a stranger into your home, only in the case of Sanford’s old roommates John Ensign (R-NV) and Chip Pickering (R-MS), you’ll have to replace the word “stranger” with “fellow self-righteous blowhard who also cheated on his wife.”  Oh, and Rep. Zach Wamp (R-TN) will tag along, too — although mostly just for the free cash.

700,000,000 Dollar Bills- That would be the stimulus money that Sanford refuses to spend after being knocked off his soapbox and being forced to accept money for roads, schools and hospitals.  The governor could use a cuddling partner right about now, and George Washington seems as worthy as anyone.

Fellow Philandering Governor Jim Gibbons (R-NV)- Gibbons is the Ying to Sanford’s Yang, as evidenced by the two men’s post-affair trajectories.  While Sanford was abandoned in his mansion as his wife headed home, out in Nevada, it was Gibbons who got kicked out of the mansion while his wife stayed!  Now Gibbons would have probably prefered some classier accomodations than downtown Columbia.  For instance, crashing with some fashionable gay friends in midtown Manhattan would be much more appealing — but hey, we can’t all be Rudy Giuliani.

The problem with traditional awards like the Pulitzer and the Nobel is that they’re all but off limits to the likes of Ann Coulter, active Klansmen, and Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK).

That’s why we’d like to thank the good people at the Southern Poverty Law Center for coming up with an award that even that crowd can win…

To the Oscars, the Grammys and the Emmys, you can now add a wonderful new distinction: the Dobbies.

Awarded by the Southern Poverty Law Center, the Dobbies, named after CNN commentator Lou Dobbs, honor the year’s greatest declaration of bigotry, chauvinism and plain stupidity.

Although it would be hard for a Dobbie winner to “out-bigot” the award’s namesake, we think that there are several prime candidates for this year’s honor…

- Rep. Bill Posey (R-FL) Posey gets a nod for introducing the infamous “birther bill” that seems to be getting more attention in the House than healthcare reform.  Dobbs himself would sign on as a co-sponsor, but he can’t bring himself to run for Congress because of all the Mexicans working there.

- Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) In terms of sheer volume (both definitions), Bachmann’s contributions to the field of stupidity have been unrivaled in 2009.  Whether calling for a violent revolution, warning of “flying imams,” predicting White House-sponsored “re-education camps,” Bachmann has proved that there is truly nothing she won’t say… unless, of course, it is true.

- Rep. Spencer Bauchus (R-AL) You can’t truly understand bluster, paranoia or stupidity until you read Bauchus’s list of 17 confirmed socialists in the United States Congress.  Rep. McCarthy’s Bauchus’ quest for a Dobbie might be derailed, however, by the fact that he basically stole his whole act from the aforementioned Bachmann.

- President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) Obama is the clear-cut winner of this award, given that he brazenly ran for president and won despite being a Kenyan spy that was planted into the United States sometime in the early ’80s to savagely attend college and then become leader of the free world, all in the name of Islamo-Fascism and rampant Mexican infestation as they come over here like savages, STEAL our jobs, rape our women, and pray to their heathen leader, Señor Allah!!

Sorry to eliminate that last entry, folks.  But using our powers as editors, we decided that Lou Dobbs wasn’t allowed to submit a nominee in his own contest.

A week ago today, Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-TX) announced her plans to resign from the Senate in order to challenge Texas Governor Rick Perry in next year’s Republican primary.

The interesting twist in the story is that under Texas law, Perry gets to fill any vacancies in the state’s Senate delegation.  So, it’s up to him to name Hutchinson’s successor.  Speculation is rife about who he may appoint to fill his rival’s seat.  Here are some of the options:

Potential Appointee	Pros	Cons
Texas Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst	By appointing a devoted loyalist, Perry will be able to spread his influence in the Texas Republican party.	Dewhurst’s refusal to wear a bolo tie makes him suspicious in the eyes of Texas voters.
Hard rocker and proud Texan Ted Nugent	Washington is dangerously lacking in AK-47-wielding maniacs who demand that non-English speakers “get the fuck out of America.”	The National Zoo may have some objections.
Former President and Texas Governor George W. Bush	Forcing Bush to return to Washington would be a hilarious practical joke.	Persistent “birther” conspiracy theory insists Bush was born in Connecticut, not Texas.
Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson	Renominating Hutchinson would be a brilliant masterstroke that would ensure Perry’s reelection as governor.	Many political observers believe Hutchinson lacks the competence to serve in the Senate.