Beltway Comedians Despair: Jim Bunning Is Retiring
Author: Dylan Ris | Category: Election 2010, Republicans, Senate
It’s like telling Jerry Seinfeld he can’t start a joke with “what’s the deal…” It’s like telling Woody Allen he can’t set a film in New York. It’s like telling Dane Cook he can’t do any more arm farts.
That’s right, folks. In the worst piece of news for Washington comedy writers since that day Michele Bachmann had laryngitis, Sen. Jim Bunning (R-Dementia Ward) announced he is retiring. Behold the statement posted on his personal website…
The simple fact is that I have not raised the funds necessary to run an effective campaign for the U.S. Senate. For this reason, I will not be a candidate for re-election in 2010.
Now we can’t imagine why the Kentucky conservative would want find himself so impecunious at this point in his life. We all know he made a pretty penny during his baseball career, and what about his freelance work as an ad hoc doctor, lawyer, and fairgrounds clown? Surely there’s enough money left in the tank for a hilarious rematch with Daniel Mongiardo!
Thankfully, as if to acknowledge that his retirement is going to contribute to a deficit of comedy in our capital city, Bunning peppered his retirement statements with a couple of meatballs, including:
- This is all the fault of his fellow Senate Republicans, who “have done everything in their power to dry up my fundraising.”
- No one invites him to cocktail parties.
- Blah blah blah socialism.
You know, the more that we at The Earmark think about the prospect of a Bunning-free 2010 election, the harder it is to stomach. Could this mean there will be no accusations of “limp wrists“? No cue-card laden satellite debate appearances? No harrowing references to the events of November 11th?
Friends, we cannot let this stand! That’s why as of today, July 27th, 2009, we at The Earmark are launching a campaign to get Jim Bunning back into the 2010 race. If real donations couldn’t sustain his campaign, then ironic ones will have to do instead!
So the next time you think about renting a comedy DVD… or paying to hear a stand-up act… or giving a quarter to a babbling guy on the street… save that money and donate it to Bunning’s campaign instead! Why keep the comedy to yourself? All of America (or at the very least, Kentucky) needs to laugh in 2010!
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July 27th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
[...] * Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY) retiring due to lack of people giving a shit. [...]
July 27th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Now all the drool mops can be allocated to Robert Byrd’s section of the Senate.
July 27th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
you libs already had a comedian run for office al franken. some gentleman he nearly violated sonia sotomarx on the senate floor. this country is going to hell and it is all thanks to libs like franken, barry hussein and lindsay graham. i am hoping bunning will run for president in 2010. he is the only one who can save us from these liberal socialist mcgoverniks.
July 27th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I’d rather donate to Duncan Hunter ‘12.
July 27th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I hope people give him a good retirement gift that portrays his work. A caricature is a good idea perhaps.