THE EARMARK

Bad news for those of you hoping to trade in a gas-guzzling Bentley and get $4500 toward a spiffy new Chevy Aveo.  The government’s much-hyped “cash for clunkers” program is about to crumble like a Ford Festiva in an elevator door.

The program’s principal sin?  Being way too successful…

The government plans to suspend its popular “cash for clunkers” program amid concerns it could quickly use up the $1 billion in rebates for new car purchases, congressional officials said Thursday…

Through late Wednesday, 22,782 vehicles had been purchased through the program and nearly $96 million had been spent. But dealers raised concerns about large backlogs in the processing of the deals in the government system, prompting the suspension.

So barring further notice, this program is finished.  And while some will lament its demise, others will applaud it.  Let’s examine who wins and loses based on this news…

WINNERS

• Personal friends of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and his predecessor, Hank Paulson.  If “cash for clunkers” had survived, these folks would have received a mere $32 billion for bonuses.
• Personal friends of the House Ethics Committee, who will now get to keep their ethical earmark money doled out by ethics-minded congressmen.
• Personal friends and relatives of Rep. Jack Murtha (D-PA), whom the aforementioned Ethics Committee is investigating, only not really.  More cash for this crowd, too.
• Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC) who opposes all forms of federal stimulus, opting to save the money for a time portal to 19th century Belgium.

LOSERS

• Ford Motor Company, who passed on federal stimulus money with the idea that they’d gain sales from this particular program.  For the eponymous family running the show, this is even worse than owning the Lions.
• The majority of President Obama’s cabinet, who all need to ditch that fleet of foreign cars they collectively drive.
• Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT), who thought this would be his big chance to unload an armada of hideously-painted PT Cruisers.

With the August recess looming on the horizon and no imminent health care reform, it appears that Congressional Summer 2009 will be mostly remembered for Michael Jackson, Perry Mason, and disturbingly ceaseless “birther” movement.

The latter topic has been a particularly big hit of late, from an angry mob screaming at Rep. Mike Castle (R-DE) and to Rep. Tim Murphy (R-PA) hiding in a House supply store to avoid admitting that President Obama is a citizen.

But the most significant development on the topic has been the rise of the “birther bill,” introduced by Rep. Bill Posey (R-FL).  (The St. Petersburg Times speculates it was Posey’s ploy to finally get on Keith Olbermann’s show, but we suspect the congressmen just wants to keep Panamanians like John McCain out of the White House.)

Ultimately though, this bill is about President Obama, and it turns out that Posey isn’t the only representative who wants to waste our nation’s time questioning the man’s citizenship.  The Posey bill now has 11 co-sponsors, with the latest, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), signing on yesterday…

“I don’t know if it’s true or not,” Gohmert told the Washington Post’s Sleuth in a telephone interview Wednesday evening. “But I read that Lou Dobbs said [Obama's] original birth certificate was destroyed.”

Really Rep. Gohmert?  You’re a United States congressman — one of 435 elite individuals leading the people’s house of Congress — and you’re getting your news from Lou Dobbs?  Did you pick out the spittle first?

As long as you’re watching, Congressman, you might want to pick up a few nutrition tips from ol’ Lou as well.  We understand he has a few spare boxes of race-baiting waffles lying around the bunker.

At least that would steer the conversation back toward health care.

Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) has had a busy first month on the job, what with service dogs and special committees on aging and babies that take after Marv Albert.

Consequently, we don’t blame him for taking so long to move out of that prominent Republican’s house.

And by “that prominent Republican,” we don’t mean Franken’s close buddy G. Gordon Liddy.  We’re talking about Norman Ornstein, a bigwig at the American Enterprise Institute.

The point is, Franken finally got up off that guy’s couch (or guest bedroom as it were) and found a place of his own…

Franken moved into new digs of his very own on Capitol Hill over the weekend, according to an HOH source…

When Franken made trips to D.C. during the seven months that the final results of the Minnesota Senate race were unresolved, he stayed in a guest room at the home of American Enterprise Institute resident scholar (and Roll Call contributing writer) Norman Ornstein. The two are longtime friends, having met at the 1988 Democratic National Convention.

The Frankens shacked up with Ornstein while looking for a new place after the Senator was officially sworn in earlier this month.

While we’re happy that Franken finally has a space large enough to house both his collection of Perry Mason tapes and his ego, we wonder if he wouldn’t be better served by continuing to live with Republicans.

For instance, Rep. Zach Wamp (R-TN) got $5000 from fellow Republican John Ensign simply because the two lived together. (Or, one source alleges, were having an affair.)  All we’re saying is that a stray five grand here and there could only help Franken, especially if Norman Hsu isn’t available to donate the next time around.

We’d like to credit Roll Call, the newspaper of Capitol Hill, for breaking this important story.  That said, we should note that while their reporters confirmed Franken no longer lived with Ornstein, they could only refer to his new home as an “undisclosed” location.

Which means on second thought, maybe Franken is living with a prominent Republican!

Everything must be aflutter at the White House.

President Obama is presumbably running around like mad, trying to get ready for hosting the most awkward social gathering in Washington since Joe and Jill Biden dropped in on the Cheneys for tea and a round of The Most Dangerous Game.

Tomorrow evening at 6 PM, Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., and his arresting officer, Sgt. James Crowley, will be accepting Obama’s offer of joining him for a reconciliatory beer at the White House.  The President has a range of options for what kind of brew to serve, each with its own implications …

Former Senator Larry Craig (R-Toto) is not a guy we thought we’d be hearing about much more.  After his exit from Washington in January, we assumed that he would head home, strike a wide stance, and shove hot dogs into hollowed-out potatoes for the rest of his golden years.

But as it turns out, Craig isn’t the type of guy to take a forced retirement lying down.  He’s decided to capitalize on his deep DC experience - after all, the man spent 28 years getting his hands dirty inside the Beltway.  Who else knows as much as him about lubricating the wheels of power and penetrating the innermost circles of Congress?

So, according to the Idaho Statesman, he’s opening a consulting firm.

Said Craig: “I’ve really worked through every problem imaginable in Washington.”

The firm, called New West Strategies LLC, has offices in DC and Idaho, and sports a delightful website that includes a phone number (202-333-5990) that we desperately want to crank call.

The question, of course, is what exactly will this firm consult on?  The website suggests that their focus will be on the environment (namely, fighting on behalf of businesses in their quest to destroy it).  But we’re pretty sure that they’ll happily consult on just about any issue you can think of, except one … something that he cannot possibly touch …

US Air Force appropriations.  Why, what were you thinking about?

Health care reform is splitting Congress down the middle and America is paying the price.

On the left, you have Hollywood liberals like Blanche Lincoln and Jon Tester, who want to force hardworking Americans into Soviet communal hospitals where all diagnoses call for prescription marijuana and tofu breast implants.

On the right, you have family-first conservatives like David Vitter and John Ensign, who believe poor Americans’ only exposure to medication should be in rural meth labs.

But what about the so-called moderate Republicans (read: Republicans who do not take the Book of Revelations literally)?  Well by today’s standards, Chuck Grassley (R-IA) is one of these Republicans, having gotten an 11% rating from the NAACP and a 20% from the ACLU. (Jim DeMint, just for comparison, got a 7% from both.)

So maybe Grassley would be sympathetic to the health care plan being pushed by President Obama and Congressional Democrats?  Maybe?

Well the senator has weighed in with a response via his favorite medium — Twitter — and the answer is a resounding “no.”  At least we think so.  Which is to say, if you can make sense of this post, please let us know…

Misinformatio accuses me of supportin ObamaCare NOT TRUE I M at table making sure Govt takeovr doesn’t happen,protect patience,and taxpayers

Although nearly 50% of the words in Grassley’s “tweet” were technically English, it’s still hard to make sense of it all.  Fortunately we have this related “tweet” to clarify…

PTL BluDogs Keep barkin Pelosie bill is Govt takeovr of healthCare Breaks Obama promise”keep what u hv” Puts Wash Burocrats in chrg MUSTSTOP

Well, that certainly clears things up.  Not in the sense of Grassley’s health care stance, his openness to compromise, or even his ability to control spastic finger motions.  But it does confirm a theory that we’ve been harboring since a previous Grassley “tweet” on July 18…

He definitively cannot spell “Pelosi.”

It’s like telling Jerry Seinfeld he can’t start a joke with “what’s the deal…”  It’s like telling Woody Allen he can’t set a film in New York.  It’s like telling Dane Cook he can’t do any more arm farts.

That’s right, folks.  In the worst piece of news for Washington comedy writers since that day Michele Bachmann had laryngitis, Sen. Jim Bunning (R-Dementia Ward) announced he is retiring.  Behold the statement posted on his personal website…

The simple fact is that I have not raised the funds necessary to run an effective campaign for the U.S. Senate. For this reason, I will not be a candidate for re-election in 2010.

Now we can’t imagine why the Kentucky conservative would want find himself so impecunious at this point in his life.  We all know he made a pretty penny during his baseball career, and what about his freelance work as an ad hoc doctor, lawyer, and fairgrounds clown? Surely there’s enough money left in the tank for a hilarious rematch with Daniel Mongiardo!

Thankfully, as if to acknowledge that his retirement is going to contribute to a deficit of comedy in our capital city, Bunning peppered his retirement statements with a couple of meatballs, including:

- This is all the fault of his fellow Senate Republicans, who “have done everything in their power to dry up my fundraising.”

- No one invites him to cocktail parties.

- Blah blah blah socialism.

You know, the more that we at The Earmark think about the prospect of a Bunning-free 2010 election, the harder it is to stomach.  Could this mean there will be no accusations of “limp wrists“?  No cue-card laden satellite debate appearances? No harrowing references to the events of November 11th?

Friends, we cannot let this stand!  That’s why as of today, July 27th, 2009, we at The Earmark are launching a campaign to get Jim Bunning back into the 2010 race.  If real donations couldn’t sustain his campaign, then ironic ones will have to do instead!

So the next time you think about renting a comedy DVD… or paying to hear a stand-up act… or giving a quarter to a babbling guy on the street… save that money and donate it to Bunning’s campaign instead!  Why keep the comedy to yourself?  All of America (or at the very least, Kentucky) needs to laugh in 2010!

“Courtesy of http://www.northerngaspipelines.com“

It’s moving day in Juneau.  And we all know what that means… A big time shake-up at The National Enquirer.

Out: Sarah Palin… the moose-eating, wolf-shooting, college-transferring, $150,000-wardrobe-wearing, gaffe-emitting, Russian intelligence-intercepting, baby-scandal-having governor who fancies herself a “maverick barracuda.”

In: Sean Parnell… the same.

At least that’s what we assume.  All we know is that the Enquirer’s photographers will spare no expense to provide the commodity their readers demand above all else — photos of the current Alaska governor!

Now the Parnell haters in the blogosphere argue that he never gave birth at 44 and his Miss South Carolina impression is still pretty raw.  But celeb-obsessed Americans will gladly accept lesser feats, such as losing an election to a criminal and chairing “numerous budget subcommittees” — just as long as it’s the governor of Alaska we’re talking about.

Not to mention the tabloids won’t be the only entity to pile on Parnell from this day forward.  The following are also known to prey on Alaska governors, in case Parnell wasn’t already prepared…